ups

I woke up today at 51.8 kg. I'm happy with this. The thrill and excitement came back.. momentarily.  I went to work today and although I ran around a bit I have also had 5 slices of pizza today. Three big . Two small. I'm positive I will be 53 tomorrow until I crap it out or something gross. Purging was not an option.. laxs will be.

Despite this pizza deal I've had roughly 950-1000  cals
yestetday I ate three party pasties and a few crackers and cheese at my sisters.

so im not eating two meals really. Iys more so snacking here and there which seems to keep the cravings away.

Tomorrow there is a Christmas and july lunch that I am required to attend.. I'm hoping vegetables will be roasted and plentiful so I can just munch those.

Before the lunch I'm going to go to the gym or for a run so hopefully that helps.  I'm wanting to be 50kg within two weeks and stay there !!!!


It's doable... Just no more pizza!!!!


Xx pix

purge

Today I woke up feeling thinner. I'm happy about that  I can see I'm not as hungry anymore too which brings me to dinners fiasco.. I ate a serve of low Cal pasta which just came back up. . I didn't want to purge I ran to the bathroom feeling my stomach in knots and mouth salivating clear indicator I need to spew.  Ew it had to come out  .and I helped to do so I hated the feeling of needing to be sick. I wanted it over with.. I forgot how easy it was. Not proud... is pixies old ways coming back to haunt her ???

I don't know how I feel. .. dizzy time to lie down.

Xx

it's always tomorrow

Tomorrow.  I always say I will do it tomorrow.  Diet. Exercise. Study. But tomorrow turns into tomorrow and that tomorrow is tomorrows tomorrow.  Well tomorrow is coming and I need to start being accountable.

So fuck tomorrow . I'm starting now.

No more smoking. I hate it I'm poor from it and always in the cold. I need to replace that habit with another. .. Plan is in the morning tomorrow haha I'm going to have my coffee and exercise in replace of my morning nicotine fix. Then I shall make a plan or something for the day and week with my goals. If I teach them I will treat myself. .. clothes something...probably a book since I don't want to buy anything until I'm two sizes smaller... but you get the picture.

I need to get out of my rut of nothings working everything sucks mode because to nake shit better shits just gotta change and that starts with me.


sorry that this post is shit and more so for myself to look back on.  I hope though in the future I can say oh yep that's the moment I stopped smoking and lost a few kgs...


accountabilty....

xo pix.

Oh there you are

Where have you been Pixie? 

This year has just gone by so quickly so far. Yet I have nothing to show for it.

I have moved out. Trying to make a house a home but it just doesnt feel that way. I thought my depression had gotten better. I even considered giving the meds the flick but I feel empty. . like I have nothing going for me at the moment even though a lot seems to be happening around me. 

I feel like im in this transitional period of my life where I don't know who I am meant to be or where I am going... 

I had a birthday. 22. I feel old and like I should know what I am meant to be doing, have some sort of routine. You know wake up go to the gym, go to class, go to work, come home, say hi honey i'm home heres your dinner, look at finding a house, do productive things on the weekend apart from drinking and drugs. I don't like who I have become lately. 

I think I am missing ana. Shes been gone for so long. Shes in the back of my mind whispering Pixie I'm here... I've always been here. . talk to me. But living with the boy its hard to let her out. I eat all the time. It feels like it anyway. Two meals a day is two too many. 

I think its ana who i have been missing. I need to gain control again. I need the thrill of seeing the numbers on the scale go down, the bones and ribs visible through my skin. 

Im going to let her back. I need to. 
She will let me get to where I want to be. 50kg. I need to lose 3 kg to get there. I want to be stable at 50kg and go from there. I will do it. A

na will help me to do it. 

I need routine. Ana gave me that motivation. 

Im back. Pixie is back. Being MIA sucked. I missed you. 

xo Pix. 

Undo it all

I feel like I've undone my progress , I'm scared to weigh in. 50.6kg one day probably 54 the next! I ate too much today. An egg with kidney beans for breakfast, cous cous for lunch then a piece of chicken on bread and some schnitzel at family dinner. I feel the lard coming back swallowing my chin. Surrounding my thighs. I've got to start hating food again ! I hate me right now.. I've missed the boy so much I have spent too much time with my own thoughts. I need to snap out of it. I need to get shit into order. Gym more, get off the mess, study harder, eat less and quit the drinking. I always hate life for days after I drink. I always hate it after I eat. If only my mouth didn't open itself to this evil stuff. If only I had more control. I won't promise I will find it because m promises to myself are always short lived and empty. I talk, and fail to do. I'll believe it when I see it.

50.6

Finally not 53 but 50.6 read my scales today! I've ate hardly anything in days. . A Burger sat nothing yesterday and 300 cals for dinner today. I can do this! I'm almost where I want to be... 50 or 49 and I will be stoked. Lets not ruin this pixie. Xx hangovers and weightloss

What a busy weekend

Indeed it has been a very busy weekend, consisting of work, work and more work and house cleaning. 

The boy is away for a few days with a friend so I have been keeping myself company with bunny. It has been good to be alone for a while. 

I haven't had to eat meals that I don't want too. I haven't ate much really but still scales say I haven't lost a lot either... disappointing, but as my last post indicated they aren't so reliable so i think I need a new set. 

I have not gone to the gym either which I really was trying to do. Instead a girl at work was sick and left early so I was at work for 12 hours with no break... nor food just diet coke, surely I thought I would lose something but when I got home I ate some soup. Weigh in the next day only read a 300gm loss, which is not good usually when I dont eat much for a day and am active like I was at work running around like a madwoman I would see a somewhat pleasing loss.... if only.

Then the next day I also worked 6 hours no food. But when I got home my sister and I watched a movie and had a burger :( disappointing . I have not weighed in today for I am rather anxious that this said burger will make me puff like a beached whale. 

Today I slept in to a lonely bed and the sound of rain.. sadly it was bliss. When I awoke I started cleaning and have been cleaning ever since.. 4 or so hours... hopefully this counts for some exercise as I have still not made it to the gym... I have only had coffee (about to have my second) and two alcohol beverages to keep me happy while I clean and dance around with the music blasting.. 

I am really enjoying time alone.. not eating when people expect me too. I do miss the boy though and can not wait to see his return which I think is tomorrow sometime!

Tonight I am just seeing skinny girl for movies and drinks... we don't eat around each other so I don't think I will be worried about any food induced calorie intake.. there will be alcohol though ;)

Well I am off to finish my painting to put in the bedroom to surprise the boy when he gets home.. I have had it half finished for about 3 months now... today has been productive.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their weekend yes?

xo PIXIE