Tuesday

The day looks beautiful - the sun is shining and my veggie patch growing!

Yesterday I had a total intake of 1014 cals eeek alot right!
But exercise wise I went to the gym did some work on weights, cross trainer and the bike, walked to the gym and back also!

All in all my exercise total was around 1495 (according to my ap that calculated my sleeping, desk work, weight, bike and cross training, walking and general resting)

so - 481 cals

I am going to reduce my food intake a bit - the two bowls of cereal yesterday was unnecessary and Mum got me a spinach parcel for dinner and because it was store bought from the organic market I roughly guessed it would be around 300 cals - no more, maybe less... I hate not knowing how many cals in food !!!

I weighed in today - 50.2kg I am so disgusted but this WILL be down to my 48-49 range by the weekend!! I am going to the gym a lot with my sister so we keep eachother motivated. Tonight I will focus on my stomach and tomorrow its gym bike, weights, treadmil again!

Well off to university 2nd to last day for the year!! I have a speech tomorrow I hate speeches!! but think I am partly prepared!

Have a lovely day pretties xox

Monday

The day so far has been good. I am partially relaxed!
I woke up earlyish had a coffee and did my assignment and submitted just after midday.

Around 12.30 pm I was feeling a little peckish so I made lunch
Spinach and rocket (7), piece of corn (63), some green beans, low joule pickles (5), 105 cals of felafel's and raita (yogurt and cucumber sauce super low cal and no fat 10 cal) all up this with the coffee was around 200 cals

Then I had a meeting to go to for university, then I got home and was still hungry so I ate a large amount of antioxidant cereal and added some frozen berries and skim milk - 350 cals

The day so far 550 cals.
 I am going to meet a friend soon for a coffee but instead think I will get a fresh juice (which is a meal in itself) for around 165 cals...

I am also going to the gym with my sister tonight too for a session so that will be good - hopefully burn a bit!

Will let you know.

xo Pixie.

cookies, cheesecakes and chocolate oh my.

So day three and four of my "new leaf" - again weekends suck. I was going okay until..... *please feel free to hate me*

Saturday:
200 cal breakky
60 - cal lunch
then nothing until 4pm which was chocolate, nachos, biscuits and coffee, and an ice cream at the cinemas, diet coke and Kahlua and for dinner two mass pieces of cheesecake berries and a mango... Horrible so Horrible - some purging definitely did occur I think I got most of the nachos and biscuits out but still.. what the fuck,

My family thinks I am pregnant!! I don't blame them - the amount of chocolate I am eating which was so rare never on easter would I even go near the stuff.. I'm also finding myself reaching for a tub of strawberries and peanut butter and dad again says - are you sure you're not pregnant. God I sure hope not!!

I think perhaps because I no longer eat meat I am craving something to fill the void as well with all my past restriction .. it is as if I am purposely sabotaging my good intent to hate myself even more. All I know is this IS GOING TO STOP. I WILL SAY NO. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS A HEAP LATELY BUT PLEASE LET IT BE THIS TIME!

(I think this girl is stunning)

Sunday was cereal and coffee and biscuits
2pc fish and salad
more chocolate and biscuits - purged
veggie Pattie, salad, mashed potato, chickpea salad and bread ! I never would eat bread with my dinner (nor would I stack my plate with carbs like mash) - I am very concerned. I have no idea what I am doing or why this is happening oh also my sis bought me an ice-cream which I ate.

I am feeling like absolute shit. I can't go on like this every weekend at S's... I am almost going to have to stop going there... we always say "fat weekends " then both eat healthy-ish during the week - but he doesn't know about my during the week chocolate binges. I wish I could take it all back... and remove it.. I am going to take some Lax's tomorrow but first I am going to finish my assignment thats due tomorrow night, go to the gym for a workout and a meeting at university then see how I go.

(and this is what I shall sure try and do)

My gosh. pregnant... could it be possible? I am on the pill - have been for 5 years and take it religiously.. but all this purging I hope hasn't affected it. Blergh. Maybe I will just get a test tomorrow to ease my mind.

Sorry for the weekend rambles. It seems I always feel so shit after the weekend when instead I should be feeling refreshed!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and were able to be strong unlike myself..

Also I caved and weighed - hated what I saw so ate some more... I gained 1kilo.. no suprise there.. I am not going to weight again until tuesday or wednesday and not eat a single sugar filled chocolate or biscuit in the mean time!

xo - Pix.

"New Leaf" so far

Day two of not restricting (as much)

Day one Thursday consisted of
Cereal and Coffee - 230 cals
Risotto cake and felafel's and salad - 300 cals
Felafel's and salad - 60 cals
Mango and a piece of leftover berry pie - bad I know but did you know Mango is a negative cal food so all up 100 cals here
snack mars bar piece and vita wheat's with dip - 100 cals approx.

Total around - 790 cals

Day two Today - Friday

Cereal and coffee - 200

chai latte - 150

fruit salad - watermelon = negative cal

a few (to many) smarties and cheese and crackers - approx 150

2pc fish and salad and sweet potato = 350

Total around - 800cals

Weakness strikes back: I purged.It was gross. Food from the night before came up - salad tomato etc.. and the curdled milk in stomach that must have been from the cereal or latte - it was bad.. but it felt good.. I felt bad for eating the crackers and cheese (I gave in to temptation here to at university in the computer pools the others were eating crisps, sweets and so on.. asking why I wasn't eating.. the best thing was crackers..) I need to stop this bad habit.


I am also going to have some mango for desert and strawberries - negative cal food though.

So without "dieting" per say I am still under 1000 cals which I guess is not bad, considering its recommended for women to lose weight to have around 1500 cals a day and my BMR calculator said to burn 2300 cals per day - this incorporates daily activity including sleep (which I loveeee).

I know I should be counting my fruit in my calorie intake - but I know that digesting and eating these particular ones (checkout negative calorie foods on google or a previous post of mine) require more cals than the food itself.

Exercise for both these days - very little :P I have been just so busy with assignments and major's. I have handed one in and only have 500 more words to go on another then after that two presentations and an exam down the track. For now though I am going to leave those 500 words for Sunday and enjoy the weekend. I am going to the movies tomorrow night for S and our anniversary should be nice - as long as I don't get popcorn soda and chocolate :o.

I for the first time in as long as I can remember did not weigh in today! I was so tempted to every time I walked past the bathroom but I thought I may not like what I see and it would ruin my current good spirits - today you know what to be honest was the first day the voice inside my head did not repeat "I hate my life" over and over and over--- that's saying something. It's a big deal  especially when you hear that voice every day~ it can get annoying.

Any who I think I may go watch some t.v or read to unwind. I am reading a book atm "not without my sister" about a religious cult like family of hundreds who were into weird incest practices and three girls escaped somehow (yet to find out) and wrote a bio. I am only up to part 2 of 3 but it is pretty good. I really like that sort of thing - crime, cults etc... helter skelter is also a great read!

No more rambling.. sorry.



I hope everyone is doing well.. stay strong lovelies.. I have come across a few blogs recently where young girls are hating on themselves far to much. We may not be perfect... but really no body is (apart from Mila) :P we all have our flaws, weakeness' and mishaps (can I hear "binges" in the crowd?) but no matter how thin that model on our screen is no matter how perfect she appears she does have imperfections.



xx - Pixie.

Turning over a new leaf.

I have come to the conclusion that my unhappiness derives from constant guilt - guilt over eating that chocolate I mean two blocks over two days c'mon oh and apple pie seriously? (no wonder I am 49.4kg this morning).


So I am going to start eating again. Yep. WHAT THE HELL? SHE SHOULDN'T EAT.

I figure that I am gaining because of the following reasons


a) I get so tired from not eating during the day that I can't bring myself to think about let alone do any form of exercise
b) my body is then at night needing energy and telling me it is deprived thus the large dinners followed by sweets which is filled with bad fats, no nutritional benefits what so ever, making me feel good at the time then giving me an all time low "i want to kill myself I am so fat" affect.


I can't do it anymore. Not this way anyway. I thought I would be happy. I'm not. Instead of wasting those extra calories on sweets and crap like chocolate and apple pies - I am going to find my energy source another way. By eating regularly - but healthily!!
This way I can use those extra calories that would usually be spent on CRAP on things like fruits, oats, cereals, muesli, yogurt etc as I am sure these foods will make me :

a) feel fuller than the chocolate
b) give me the energy I need to exercise or do any daily activity
c) warrant off the concern from family and friends that I am not eating
d) benefit my overall emotional and mental well being - Key is to avoid the fact that I hate my life, and find myself wanting to kill myself each time I eat something shit.

Now I don't know if this way of living will make me gain or lose, I will let you know. But what I do know is that yes maybe I am not cut out for fasting all the time, and yes I am weak and give into temptation, and yes I am depressed and it probably is because of my "not being able to eat a darn thing" mentality - So I think a break is what I need.






I am not saying either that I can go out and eat whatever I want - I never eat takeout like McDonalds etc anyway - but if I want that piece of sushi - chances are now I am going to eat it!


I am unhealthy. I wake up with sore bones, ribs, chest, head from the lack of iron, vitamins and the loss of nutrients that I flush down the toilet each time I purge.

( pretty much I am going to eat AS MUCH fruit and salad as I want without counting every calorie in my apple )

 So here's to a new leaf.. I am going to be healthy - and I still hope to be thin along the way... I look at the women in health and fitness magazines now I am sure they may weigh a bit from muscle but their metabolism would be better than mine - and they are more toned than me anyway. I am setting the challenge of more exercise this week and I am not going to look at my scales until Tuesday next week -- 5 days. I will let you know how I go ladies.


and here's to all of you out there who can remain strong - stronger than I could ever be. I admire you really I do. I hope no one is let down.. but really I can't be faced with letting myself down every time I eat crap food so I am going to retrain my brain more or less.. trick it into thinking yep I'm full on fruit and salad and nuts I don't need that chocolate!




xo - Pixie.

for every battle lost there must be a win... eventually

It seems I can go the whole day without food until I get home and faced with dinner time, I was doing so well.
 the day consisted of 2x coffee, a fresh juice and fruit salad which I classify really in my -cal zone :P So all in all it really was only about 150 cals


Then I got home... dinner time. Mum "what can I make?".. Me: "I will get my own"... Mum: "You're tired because you re not eating as much wa wa wa lack of iron.. meat wa wa wa "


She was right I was tired, I could barely keep my eyes open so I made dinner.

Rice (god dam carbs) prawns, garlic spinach, chili and tofu and lime juice ... I had two serves :( probs about 450 cals darn rice!!

Then dad bought a block of chocolate - lets not go there he also waived an ice cream in my face "no its to cold thanks"... so I was pretty down my rents were eating desert so I got a mango - and melted some pieces of chocolate and ate them together :( Another 250 cals no doubt.

 So summary for the day


900 - pretty shitty, but whatever.
I am not shaking, my bones aren't as achy and my head can think clearer - maybe I am not cut out to be thin..

 I am feeling better though than I was this morning, I am lucky my post did not send people would be mortified I had hit rock bottom - I am faced with alot of demons at the moment. The angel and devil on my shoulder - I hate them. They are ruining me. S wanted to come over for dinner... I declined said I had to much work to do which is the truth but I was to scared we would end up eating crap... not that I avoided that tonight anyway. I really wonder what is going on with me. This used to be so darn easy, now its a battle.

BUT FOR EVERY Battle Lost THERE MUST BE A WIN EVENTUALLY - MY WIN WILL COME - ATLEAST I HOPE

I dont know. I just feel meh, Holidays are fast approaching. No more university - my one place I don't eat! I will be home and with S constantly faced with food, it will be summer soon too.. beaches, bikinis - envy glaring eyes towards every thinny I see...

I cant help but wonder will there ever be that moment - where I say yes I win... Yes.. I am thin....

Who knows,, all I know is that tomorrow is a new day, I suck at dieting but I can get back into exercise which I plan to do. I just want to be happy. I want to be beautiful.

Love you all, and thankyou for those who commented on my last post - forever grateful for your kind words. You girls are all beautiful here, please do not be harsh on yourself (I'm one to talk) but really I see such a community of kindness here - where I least expected it.. I thought I would come here create a new identity and I could be whoever/whatever I wanted.. instead I have found myself being just that "myself", I don't need to lie, I don't need to hide, I don't feel as if I owe anyone anything except for the love and kindness that they deserve.. who would have thought such beautiful people in this community - yet we can't realise it.

One day we will. One day .... I promise


XO - Pixie.

intro.

Well today I have fasted pretty much - water, chai latte and a piece of chocky - I also went to the gym for the first time in forever after classes. I was only there for 30 mins, because I had to run to the shops and to be honest since I have not been working out for weeks I felt the burn.. I hope this means results!!

So today calorie consumption would be about 200 cals. I also burned this at the gym.

I was going to continue a fast through the day but my sweet tooth sparked and I needed that energy kick :P but I still feel good... Instead of fasting tonight I will make a healthy dinner... shirataki noodles, and spicy tofu and a salad..

Shirataki noodles have no fat and no calories - I recommend highly!! look them up they are also known as "miracle noodles".. I buy them from an Asian grocer near by for $2.00 a packet. They don't have a lot of flavour - in fact they are bland and the texture at first is weird but if you add some chili or condiments they taste ayokay and they make you feel really full! Who wouldn't want that plus the benefit of a low cal meal.

I also bought some red kidney beans - my new love :)

Today was okay. Thoughts as usual sway from I hate my life, I am going to just pack up and leave, blah blah blah.... I am very unpredictable with my moods - well in my head anyway I always wear a smile - I don't want to be a bore to be around so no matter what is happening I keep it away from everyone else!


I guess that is why I am good hiding my eating habits, or lack of.

I am thinking this blog I will incorporate more info and insight into my life - I know alot of people would be bored and think who cares right? But I think it will be a good way to express myself and assist me in understanding what the hell is going on I'm my life so INTRO -

People when looking at me would think, girl studying at university, good job that pays well, loving boyfriend, a few good friends, a nice house, car, good family unit - "theres nothing to complain about"

I am faced with this all the time - I have what some people would die for, but still I face this burden of unhappiness and constantly questioning more or less my existence.
More than ever these feelings have come about this year... why I don't know I am doing well at uni, never fighting with S (apart from food), making money, seeing friends when I can but I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.. never wanting to leave the house to go to work, afraid of things that I would do everyday... then I guess that triggered my weight loss.. prescribed Zoloft I researched about it and the side effects - so many people complained about weight gain! I could not bare the thought of being not only depressed but then becoming fat-er. So i restricted myself on what I ate - One meal a day  - no meal a day.

I saw the numbers on the scale drop. I became obsessed with weighing in. I liked the comments "you have lost a bit of weight, you look thinner"... these have stopped now though - and I want them back.. I guess that is why I keep going. Someone to ask me what is wrong? even if I don't have an answer....
My psychologist thinks my self esteem issues have come about due to post-traumatic stress- which I beg to differ I even have - but she thinks it's underlying... in the unconcious.. whatever anyway when I was 15 I was at a party drunk and beat up by a bunch of random girls... I woke up in hospital dazzed and confussed highly medicated to see the doctor stand over me putting a needle and string into my face... I woke up the next morning to hear mum and dad say "shes up. should we cover the mirrors".. I walked to the bathroom to see through my swallen eyes that could barely open the stitches down my face the bruises that filled the remainder.. I was shrek. that's what I called myself. I did not leave the house for days.. weeks. months... I hated me. I thought no one would love me...

I was with a guy at the time.. drug addict "Asshole" but he was good to me ... well at the time I thought - perhaps the reason why I stayed with him until I moved interstate at the age of 18... I think sometimes I blame him for not being there when in happened - he didnt go out in public with me.. he just stayed home and smoked bongs - he developed anxiety of people so I suffered to.. no movies, no dates nothing over the 4 years we spent together - stupid me huh... but I thought no one else could like shrek... but luckily I found S the most caring and loving guy in the world who thinks the world of me!

But here I am... 1.5 years in the relationship and I can't think the world of me and I am faced with this depression and anxiety I can't explain... maybe it will all make sense maybe it never will... all I know is that the only thing I look forward to or get really happy about is seeing the numbers on the scale decrease......

That is enough rambling. I have an essay to write..

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and start to the week
- xo Pixie.