A constant battle

I battle everyday with my desires to be thin. Laziness has overcome me! I hate myself at the moment. I eat. I never used to eat. I have gained like a horse with the munchies. I am a fat piece of shit. I just want to be thin. I am going away in 12 days. I want to be thin when I see my friends. 


But all I do is eat. proper meals. its disgusting. some say its normal I say its grotesque. I don't know how I got to this. 


I am fat fat fat. 
6kg needs to go asap. 


Today I have had coffee, diet coke and a wrap with ham and cheese - 400 calories already no doubt. 
400 to many. 


It is odd how easy it has become to hate myself. or is it?
I SHOULD HATE MYSELF. 


ATM I am a huge 54.7 kg!


I have never never never never been this much. 


fuck. I need to be at least 50 kg in 2 weeks! My jeans need to be loose on me! I got to 53kg a week ago but then I ate. Carbs, pasta, and I have been drinking everyday!


I will try to stop eating... I am going to take lax's now. gross but I need a system cleanse!


I hope to update a more happy story my next visit. 

two weeks please!

- Pix. 

Fuckitall.

I'm not dead. Although dont feel so alive. I am in a slump haven't felt like this isn a while.
Maybe because I forgot my meds or that its that time of month.
Gah. Most friends have now left town I feel alone. Saw the girl the one who first knew my problem
She has the same. Shes thinner I've gotten bigger! Might see her again. must get thinner before. Back to class and practicum starts this week, hopefully too busy to eat and hopefully this shit mood goes... usually after weekends I feel shit... Alcohol probs.. Or the fact I act so stupid and inconsiderate of people who care for me.i don't deserve him, hes too good for me, the other one has broken me. Made me fragile and weak, now I can't show love / emotion without being withdrawn.
Shit this post makes no sense. Headaches prozac and bedtime.

Save.

Lost Girl

Thats what I feel at the moment, rather lost. 
Thus the lack of regular posts - I dont bother most of the time if I having nothing good to report.
I don't feel like I'm losing weight at all. I dont even feel like I'm trying its always "I'll make it up tomorrow" my motivation is lacking, but I want to be thin I know it.


I don't even feel disordered anymore... if I ever was... I must have been... now I am just = fat. 


I am back at classes and everyones saying how good and skinny I look - cant they tell I have put on 6 kilos... I was lighter back then  - NO ONE SAID ANYTHING. 


I have been eating shit. 


Yesterday I didn't eat until dinner but when I did I had vegie lasagna and salad - 400 cals


Today I ate a wholemeal roll bought from campus - eggplant, sundried tomato, pesto and cheese - 400 calories I'd guestimate. 
I then got home and ate some crisps - IDIOT 200 calories
Dinner is soup. . not too fatty.


I am sitting at about 53.1 kg = 117.06 pounds. 


I feel shit. Exhausted from all the assignments I am already swamped with, its only day 2 but I have to write a paper a day!


Tomorrow is another full day at university. I am taking a salad and avoiding carbs by all means necessary. 
Pasta has fucked my stomach up so badly (oh yeah slight gluten intolerance but i cant resist it) so I am not going to touch it nor bread. I have constant cramps. 


This blog thing is so funny... I never whinge on other mediums like facebook, email, texting or when I talk to people I am rather positive.. this however I don't know if it is a good thing, but I vent... lets pretend its good for now at least. 

xo - pixie...

Scared

Yep. Scared shitless is my state of mind right now. This weekend I have not counted calories.. and I ate a shitload.. three meals a day (not like me at all). We had family stay with us from out of town so Mother prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner daily=  gah FAT. 


I haven't dared weigh myself. I don't know if I can even bring myself to go near the scales tomorrow... I predict I am back where I was 53-54 :/ 


I will try recap my eating (be warned this is ugly)


Friday - No bloody idea what I ate during the day for dinner I ate squid and purged it all.


Saturday - toast with turkey, veggie slice, dips, bbq, peanut butter sandwich. 


Sunday - toast with turkey, veggie slice, sausage in bread, chicken mornay, and three slices of pizza


I am feeling sick as I type this! How can I just ruin good work with stupid weekend blunders. Oh and also I drank last night: beer too!


Tomorrow I want to start over. I will start over. I want to  be thin by the time I go back to University. I start in about two weeks. Strict dieting, more exercising and fasting. 


I should be okay this week the boy is going away - he was meant to last week but changed the dates so no eating out for me! I am trying to save money because as mentioned before I quit my job and am nearing the end of my rostered shifts (which I don't have many). Its Australia day on Thursday so no work, then I have two more shifts left and I am out of that place. 


Although I will be out of an income I figure that money isn't making me happy in fact I just eat too much when I have money hah. I don't care much for buying clothes and shoes regularly. Twice a year I probably will do a shop once in winter once in summer.. then perhaps for an odd special occasion but rarely. One thing I am good at is making outfits last for years and just accessorize them so they look new/different - so hopefully that won't be a problem really. I am going to start op shopping again and customizing. I miss that. i need to get in touch with my creative side again :)


Random: It is just petrol, uni books, occasional going out money but that is all I will need for the next few months. So I will have plenty of time to get a new job.. something that I will enjoy. I have decided that instead of doing something that makes me unhappy I rather not do it at all - next thing on the list to cross off is find the perfect job! 


I am always curious what other people who are studying (or not) do for a job.. what is out there and what would people recommend? 


I hope everyone had a far better weekend than I - this week I will catch up on blogs. 


XO Pixie. 

Normally I don't like Mondays..

I hate the feeling of Monday morning, when you go to the scales and realise that the weekend has spoiled all of the weeks work. But not this weekend - a surprise for once. I weighed in and found myself at 52.8kg. So far thats 1.3kg in 4 or so days - which I am happy with.

I was so hungry last night. However I did not eat until 3pm today - pasta at a restaurant with dad... Bad I know but I figure I have not had any calories other than that today and I wont eat dinner apart from perhaps 130 cals of porridge or fruit.

I hope that tomorrow I will lose again.

3.8kg to my goal.. even 50kg would be great.. If I keep at this rate I hope to be 49-50kg by mid February - however I know that soon my metabolism will go out of wack and losing will get harder - usually though this happens when I want to get under 49kg - it did last time at least.

Any-who today was nice I just saw a friend for a coffee, and went to the cinema with my father which was nice because we don't spend heaps of time together. Tomorrow I am going to stay home and I think my grandpa is coming over whilst my Nan is in surgery- open heart - I really hope it goes well! I then may go to the beach as it is meant to be rather hot, I need to spend more time outside to get me some vitamin D.

What is everyone's plans this week?

xo Pixie

Hungry

I'm hungry. I have been for two days. I am feeling thinner the ribs are starting to show again. I haven't weighed properly so I will tomorrow morning. I'm to hungry to sleep but other than that and dizziness I feel good.
Yesterday I ate soup, small bowl of noodles with vegies, a pce of bread with turkey. So all up 430 cal
Today was coffee, and family lunch which I did rather well played the stomach arche card. I had a few bites ofmy roast chicken and ate the vegies, then came dessert which blew,
.. Some chocky moose thing.. Ate a few bites. Then dinner porridge.. All up around 750 cal.

I'm ok with this weekends efforts lets hope I feel the same upon checking inn tomorrow morning. Well its 1am hopefully I get some sleep!

Really shouldn't be hungry..

Xo pix.

Quick

Sneaky phone update whilst on my lunch break.

Weighed in this morning at 53.4 ! Stoked 4.4 kg and I'm arty my goal. I was surprised that if lost even the slightest amount as yesterday I drank beer and nibbled on the platers at my depends shindig. So I am ferling good. So far today I'm at 80 cals. Then nada til dinner, wish me luck xo pix