Post-Christmas

Gosh I hate holidays... spending money, eating, spending time with people you'd rather not. 

I really have no idea what to write anymore.. it is as if my mind is empty. Nothing much is happening. 

I got accepted into the honors program at college... which I am sure will be stressful but perhaps that's a good thing.. keep my mind occupied and mouth shut.

I re-joined the gym post-nye.. and I have gone twice this week and I am feeling sore but good. All I want to do is exercise when  I'm not there. Eating has been blergh. Today the scales read 52.6kg then 53.2kg 1 minute after (if only I was not an obsessive "must weigh three times in a row" type) so I don't want to trust them. Instead I am going to workout, eat less and try and fit into the clothes I could this time last year. . loosely. Oddly enough even though I am fat, I have had two friends talk about how worried they are as apparently some pictures of me look too thin.... HA! It is funny when no one really noticed that much when I was 6kg lighter or said anything. I will get back to that stage < current goal 50kg before start of semester = 3.5weeks > 

So far today I have had coffee and half a packet of slim pasta with veggies and a bit of curry powder... Slim pasta is amazing 16 calories for the whole pack and that will last me two meals. 

So far I am guessing 50-80 cal for today and that will do me until dinner time. The boy wants to make dinner for me tonight but I am going to encourage something very basic/healthy. 

I may have another coffee later, while I stick my head into all these readings I need to do so I can pick my thesis topic. I have a meeting with my supervisor next week and she wants to know all my ideas and plans... this stage I don't really have any. Bad student already before semester starts :/ 

Not a fan of Miley but she does look good! 

A long way to go but...

Argh I have something to confess, and it hurts terribly to do so >.>

In my blogger absence I stacked it on... from 51 to 55 (which is a huge gain almost my highest weight ever). Ever since the boy and I moved we have been eating so much crap. Fuck you pasta, and I hate to say but I was almost eating normal... 2 meals a day... not even healthy meals. Crap. Crap. Crap food. It wasnt takeout like Maccy D's or what not but there was fish, pizza, pasta etc from eating out a lot! I also suck at my exercise routine that I started a few months back. 


So to get rid of the unwanted fat that suffocates my ass, hips, gut and thighs, EVEN FACE I am back to coffee and tea in the morning, and salads, more water and fucking off carbs. 

I am now 53kg as of this morning. I am still feeling down about my gain.. it really bloody sucks to be honest, but I am sure many can relate. 

I am planning on doing a detox in the new year, and the boy wants to too. In the mean time I am just not going to eat as much carbs, and make better choices if forced to eat in front of people.. this time of year really sucks huh. 

GOAL - 51kg and stable by Xmas. 
I will update progress.. or lack of

xo Pix 

if only....

Ha. Whilst looking at boot camp websites I used a bmi calculator. It popped up and said my bmi was 0! Ha if only, right? On that note I am thinking of either rejoining my gym...doing bootcamp, boxing classed or getting a PT. I just want to get skinny and feel energized! !! Any advice? ?? Have any of you lovelies had any success with the above? Fatter than ever. Xoxo pix.

Liebster

 The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them

Thank you the the amazing Judith Marie for nominating me for the Liebster Award - even though I have been absent for a while - it is great to feel re-connected to the blogger world.Oh boy have I missed it!

11 Random things about Pixie. 

1. I am 21
2. My star sign is Cancer and I think it suits me to a T.
3. I am not used to stability I need change, to move around alot. 
4. I miss my old friends in another state and wish I could sometimes just pick up and go back to them.
5. I have one year left of my degree.
6. I am crossing my fingers to get into honors.
7. My ex has ruined me.
8. I have few good friends. 
9. I get annoyed with girls easily... and often I avoid them text messages... block from facebook I am terrible. 
10. I love Buffy and wish I could be a vampire slayer - think How fit you would be. 
11. I often dream of Marilyn Manson in my bed. 

Questions from Judith Marie: 

1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?

Boy I think I would be a lot happier... I am really not sure. It would definately be easier to go out with friends, and spend more time with family during meal times etc. 

2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why?

Thinspiration, I feel sick looking  at FAT! I know stuck up but I am being honest. 

3. Favourite item of clothing?

If I am being casual - my black maxi dress, If I am dressing up my lbd. I really need more colour in my life!

4. What is your dream holiday?

Hmmm... anywhere that is on a secluded beach with cocktails, all my loved ones and music!

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)

My confidence I am a shy person and get extremely nervous in situations such as class presentations, job interviews etc... I think I have learnt to hide it well but.. other than thin... confidence in a person is my biggest envy!

6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?

I tend to think more than I do.... I need to just stop procrastinating, being lazy and just DO. 

7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?

In the beginning I dont think very much at all.... but then again it could have and I may not have been aware of it.... Now though I tend to source out pics of skinny celebs etc and eating habits etc. 

8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?

None. I can't due to what is called Keloid scarring, I did have my ears and lip pierced (did it myself in my emo days) but got rid of them after rapid scar growth. Yuck. 

9. How does your ED affect your relationships?

hmmm I think it hinders the quality of time I get to spend with people. . and if someone knows about my ED it makes shit awkward ha. 

10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Pasta.... I love it... but I'm allergic and it makes me fat!

11. What is top of your bucket list?

Travel for months on end. 

Bloggers I nominate: 

I have emailed these out, sorry if you have been nominated and cant be bothered replying lol.

My Questions: 

1. What made you start your blog?
2. What is your favourite book and why?
3. What is your favourite place in the world/why?
4. Who is your favourite person in your life and why?
5. Which celebrity do you hate and why?
6. What advice would you give to a 15 year old you?
7. What would be your dream job/why?
8. How many people know about your ED. What was their reaction?
9. Do you celebrate Xmas / how?
10. If you were granted 3 wishes what would they be?
11. When did your ED start/ why do you think ED is part of your life?

That is all.. 

I will post soon xoxo Pix. 

summer

Its been way too long since I have posted. I've glimpsed over posts but have been MIA. Its time to get back on the bandwagon for summer, officially starting today. I have no idea what I weigh as over been in the country for a few days to clear my head after a busy Uni semester! I think my grades are ok so I'm happy with that. But that's where the feeling of content stops. I'm probably huge. I was before I got here. So much food. The boy and I moved in together which is great but we have been eating crap for weeks! !! Its hard to eat or not like I used to when I'm always watched. I've not purged in months although I probably should have. I'm going to try new approaches when I get home in two days. Healthy eating, daily exercise and quit smoking although the latter will hinder my weightloss attempts no doubt! But only time will tell. Its time for pixie to stop talking and start doing. Wish me luck...I will try post weekly when I'm home. Now its time to get lost in a novel! Xx pix.

weekend is near

It is friday arvo - and I am ready to drink. 

This week has been okay eating wise I got back to 51.4kg but yesterday was spent with the bf so of course we ate... pasta FUCK. 

So I am sitting at 51.9 kg atm... I hope to be less tomorrow... I have not eaten today and its 3.30 soon I am meeting a friend and will sip vodka. 

I don't usually gain from alcohol if I don't follow it up with a late night snack sooo today is strictly liquids

I have had 2 coffees and I am on to a tea now. 

I need to be thin for next weeks photo shoot... 50kg at least!! 

I will update progress... if any later

until then skinny love and thinspo.. my fat arse needs it! 

xx Pix

AHA moments

M.I.A - yep me. 

Gosh since my last post I have lost gained lost gained like a yoyo. 

I am at a high weight at the moment and I am determined to lose 3kg in two weeks for a photo shoot I am doing.. the plan - clean eating lots of coffee. tea. water. 

Things have been all over the place eating wise. I have done a bit of exercise daily though which I feel good about and must keep this up. 

I have just been working and studying.
On the working note the most awkward convo was struck by my boss (B) who I haven't ever worked with but she is a family friend of mom and dad... it is along the lines of...

B: "did you want a lunch break?" 

Me: "uhm I dont know nah I'm ok for now"

B: "did you want a coffee I have some?"

ME: "nah its ok I didnt bring sugarines"

B: "smiles ..... I have some.... do you usually eat?"

ME: "like how do you mean' 

B: "breakfast?"

ME: "no"

B:"lunch?"

ME: "sometimes... when I am hungry"

B: "dinner... not really?"

"soo you're like your mom was then? (anorexic?).... I used to be like that... 28kg admitted a few times if there's one thing I could say is that it isn't a good lifestyle in fact it is shit... I see people come in here and they are big but I think they are probably happier inside and out than I will ever be... I am still not right but I try"
(I knew this as mom mentioned it about her)

---- I was stumped ---

ME: "is it that obvious?"

"B: yep you can tell you are tiny and you have patterns".

--- customers approach convo ends no more talk----

it was weird. I was not angry... I know she understood and I understood.. if anything it made me feel better as I was feeling my fattest in a long time and someone still knew... 

I don't know what to think of the convo - it was awkward but in a way comforting 


an AHA moment
 xo Pixie