summer

Its been way too long since I have posted. I've glimpsed over posts but have been MIA. Its time to get back on the bandwagon for summer, officially starting today. I have no idea what I weigh as over been in the country for a few days to clear my head after a busy Uni semester! I think my grades are ok so I'm happy with that. But that's where the feeling of content stops. I'm probably huge. I was before I got here. So much food. The boy and I moved in together which is great but we have been eating crap for weeks! !! Its hard to eat or not like I used to when I'm always watched. I've not purged in months although I probably should have. I'm going to try new approaches when I get home in two days. Healthy eating, daily exercise and quit smoking although the latter will hinder my weightloss attempts no doubt! But only time will tell. Its time for pixie to stop talking and start doing. Wish me luck...I will try post weekly when I'm home. Now its time to get lost in a novel! Xx pix.

weekend is near

It is friday arvo - and I am ready to drink. 

This week has been okay eating wise I got back to 51.4kg but yesterday was spent with the bf so of course we ate... pasta FUCK. 

So I am sitting at 51.9 kg atm... I hope to be less tomorrow... I have not eaten today and its 3.30 soon I am meeting a friend and will sip vodka. 

I don't usually gain from alcohol if I don't follow it up with a late night snack sooo today is strictly liquids

I have had 2 coffees and I am on to a tea now. 

I need to be thin for next weeks photo shoot... 50kg at least!! 

I will update progress... if any later

until then skinny love and thinspo.. my fat arse needs it! 

xx Pix

AHA moments

M.I.A - yep me. 

Gosh since my last post I have lost gained lost gained like a yoyo. 

I am at a high weight at the moment and I am determined to lose 3kg in two weeks for a photo shoot I am doing.. the plan - clean eating lots of coffee. tea. water. 

Things have been all over the place eating wise. I have done a bit of exercise daily though which I feel good about and must keep this up. 

I have just been working and studying.
On the working note the most awkward convo was struck by my boss (B) who I haven't ever worked with but she is a family friend of mom and dad... it is along the lines of...

B: "did you want a lunch break?" 

Me: "uhm I dont know nah I'm ok for now"

B: "did you want a coffee I have some?"

ME: "nah its ok I didnt bring sugarines"

B: "smiles ..... I have some.... do you usually eat?"

ME: "like how do you mean' 

B: "breakfast?"

ME: "no"

B:"lunch?"

ME: "sometimes... when I am hungry"

B: "dinner... not really?"

"soo you're like your mom was then? (anorexic?).... I used to be like that... 28kg admitted a few times if there's one thing I could say is that it isn't a good lifestyle in fact it is shit... I see people come in here and they are big but I think they are probably happier inside and out than I will ever be... I am still not right but I try"
(I knew this as mom mentioned it about her)

---- I was stumped ---

ME: "is it that obvious?"

"B: yep you can tell you are tiny and you have patterns".

--- customers approach convo ends no more talk----

it was weird. I was not angry... I know she understood and I understood.. if anything it made me feel better as I was feeling my fattest in a long time and someone still knew... 

I don't know what to think of the convo - it was awkward but in a way comforting 


an AHA moment
 xo Pixie

over it

I am officially over it all.. at the moment at least. Perhaps I am done - fuck it I want to be normal  - the way I was before the calorie counting, before the purging, binges, restricting. Makes me happy somedatys and hating myself others.....

Happy ol Pixie. Skinny and not giving a fuck about what she ate because it didnt matter


Except now I am here- the scales show I am lower, but my moods feel the same.


While I have lost - I am now 50.7kg.Which I should be jumping for joy over but all I want to do is go back to how things were.Carefree. Not counting, weighing, measuring. 

Perhaps I am changing the game plan... perhaps I am thinking too much into recovery... perhaps most likely I am just having a bad day.. and will go back to disordered pixie tomorrow.

Perhaps I should shut the fuck up... go into Hiatus for a while. 

Eat right. Whatever "right" is... exercise more. Be confident in my own skin.... 

Perhaps it's time for this Pixie to up her meds. 

////

The weekend was not so good for me. I worked throughout it, and ate a bit, which is rare for when I am working.

Friday I ate nothing until 5pm - 3 pce of toast then we went out for buffet dinner.. gah. I did not eat a heap but did have some desserts.

Saturday nothing all day until dinner steak and bread. too much bread.

Sunday dip and biscuits, casserole and bread.. that darn bread = must stop.

On a plus I have been doing more exercise almost daily.
Weights, Stretches, sit ups etc

To redeem myself from the undesired weekend gain today is liquids then steamed veg for dinner... so far I have had water and coffee.

Tomorrow will be similar although at Uni we usually get lunch so if I do this it will be fruit salad. 

Wednesday the same

The plan is to keep up the exercise. keep busy with homework and stay well and truly clear of bread.

Other than that I have nothing much to say... boring me really 
so heres some needed inspo. 

I think that my desires of what I want my body to look like have changed. I am really appreciating "fit" - I know though that I will probably have to change my diet a lot... I will probably have to eat. But it will have to be clean eating, the right foods. The foods that will give me energy to work towards"fit".

Fruit, Veg, Protein and exercise ... lots of it!

I will do it. 

xo Pix

Lets talk goals

I have been such a slack pixie lately. However in response to Alina's comment on my last post, she asked about what my goals where - so thought I would dedicate a post to it.

So here we go

This time around... I guess I could say a relapse back into my restricting ways I have decided to be not so hard on myself with my goals... before it was 48.. which was achieved then it was lower.. which was achieved however not maintained... and when it wasnt maintained well there was gain, tears and a well pissed off Pixie.

So this time I have decided to take it slow.. I am going to lose and I am going to gain.. thats just the nature of the game for most of us unfortunately!

And in regards to gain... that I have.. and lost and gained again since my last post (50.9kg) I went up to 52.something.. down to 50.4kg then back to a current 51.4kg's. I go up and down like a yo-yo usually 1.5kg's.. so my main goal is to stay or be below 51 kg - then once I have maintained this I am up for more loss (always am) but I am not going to get to down (or try not to) if I stay at 51kg's as I know this is OKAY for me... something that I never thought possible. and something I will probably change my mind on down the track when I get attacked by the fat thoughts.

Heres a breakdown

Goal 1: Reach 51kg or below and maintain this for min. 2weeks if successful

Goal 2: Reach 50kg or below and maintain for min. 3 weeks

Goal 3: STAY BETWEEN 49-50KG FOREVER MWAHAHAH WISHFUL THINKING

Goal 4: Exercise mean and eat super clean - no bread no sweets no processed shit

I am not having strict time frames as they just get me frustrated and depressed when I do not achieve so end of year I want that bikini bod for summer about 5 months away!

In other news my eating is getting better... more clean eating = not as much processed shit

lots of veg, salad, appropriate proteins and fruit

I have done some exercise yet not as much so thats also on the agenda of goals 

Let's see how this goes. 

Thinspo please?

 Victoria secret models have become my wannabe bods

Id be happy to look like any of the above.. ha wouldnt we all?

xo Pixie.

A rainbow after the storm

Hello ladies- Firstly I must apologize about my whiny behavior in my last posts. It seems that purging worked as yesterday I was 50.9kg!Fifty something I could not believe it! I thought yes Pixie you have been granted a second chance for your evil stuffing your face ways although I undoubtedly took the second chance for granted.


Yesterday went okay. I was at University from 9.30-5.30pm and had only coffee and an apple. Dinner was Chili con-carne and some pineapple... not the greatest as dinner was pretty big.


Today I have started all my uni work. Although I have only been for three days I already have a mountain of work to do, and I want to get ahead with it so I don't get stressed and swamped at the last minute. I also have been considering doing honors for my final year. There are between 15-20 spots available and you have to have a high GPA and maintain it. While my GPA is high enough, I am not sure how many other people doing the course have the same or higher so I need to increase it! so study study study... 


If I don't do honors I will do masters which is an additional year and a half. But it seems so interesting and I, despite getting stressed often, really do love learning. 


Knowledge is so powerful. 


Today is my day off so I slept in a tiny bit. Drank coffee and hit the books. I am about three weeks ahead for one subject. Mother was home as she is fed up with work and rather upset about it. . so here's the bad thing... we went out for lunch and she made me dinner.


So today the intake was not so great
Coffee x2
Spicy noodle soup (half bowl)
2pce of bread with a small bowl of casserole (mostly purged).


I am not sure what tomorrow's weigh in will be. Likely not great but I am not too stressed. This cold thing is really taking a tole on me.. I am weak, exhausted and dizzy often. So eating a bit is probably what I require to be on the mend.



In other news the boy gets home in 4 days and I can not wait. I really do miss him. Sappy I know! It's his birthday in a few weeks so I got tickets to a band :) I know he is going to love it.



I promise I will read and comment soon.. feel free to comment too if anyone is reading start a discussion ask a question anything to break up my study routine :P 


xoxo Pixie