ups

I woke up today at 51.8 kg. I'm happy with this. The thrill and excitement came back.. momentarily.  I went to work today and although I ran around a bit I have also had 5 slices of pizza today. Three big . Two small. I'm positive I will be 53 tomorrow until I crap it out or something gross. Purging was not an option.. laxs will be.

Despite this pizza deal I've had roughly 950-1000  cals
yestetday I ate three party pasties and a few crackers and cheese at my sisters.

so im not eating two meals really. Iys more so snacking here and there which seems to keep the cravings away.

Tomorrow there is a Christmas and july lunch that I am required to attend.. I'm hoping vegetables will be roasted and plentiful so I can just munch those.

Before the lunch I'm going to go to the gym or for a run so hopefully that helps.  I'm wanting to be 50kg within two weeks and stay there !!!!


It's doable... Just no more pizza!!!!


Xx pix

purge

Today I woke up feeling thinner. I'm happy about that  I can see I'm not as hungry anymore too which brings me to dinners fiasco.. I ate a serve of low Cal pasta which just came back up. . I didn't want to purge I ran to the bathroom feeling my stomach in knots and mouth salivating clear indicator I need to spew.  Ew it had to come out  .and I helped to do so I hated the feeling of needing to be sick. I wanted it over with.. I forgot how easy it was. Not proud... is pixies old ways coming back to haunt her ???

I don't know how I feel. .. dizzy time to lie down.

Xx

it's always tomorrow

Tomorrow.  I always say I will do it tomorrow.  Diet. Exercise. Study. But tomorrow turns into tomorrow and that tomorrow is tomorrows tomorrow.  Well tomorrow is coming and I need to start being accountable.

So fuck tomorrow . I'm starting now.

No more smoking. I hate it I'm poor from it and always in the cold. I need to replace that habit with another. .. Plan is in the morning tomorrow haha I'm going to have my coffee and exercise in replace of my morning nicotine fix. Then I shall make a plan or something for the day and week with my goals. If I teach them I will treat myself. .. clothes something...probably a book since I don't want to buy anything until I'm two sizes smaller... but you get the picture.

I need to get out of my rut of nothings working everything sucks mode because to nake shit better shits just gotta change and that starts with me.


sorry that this post is shit and more so for myself to look back on.  I hope though in the future I can say oh yep that's the moment I stopped smoking and lost a few kgs...


accountabilty....

xo pix.

Oh there you are

Where have you been Pixie? 

This year has just gone by so quickly so far. Yet I have nothing to show for it.

I have moved out. Trying to make a house a home but it just doesnt feel that way. I thought my depression had gotten better. I even considered giving the meds the flick but I feel empty. . like I have nothing going for me at the moment even though a lot seems to be happening around me. 

I feel like im in this transitional period of my life where I don't know who I am meant to be or where I am going... 

I had a birthday. 22. I feel old and like I should know what I am meant to be doing, have some sort of routine. You know wake up go to the gym, go to class, go to work, come home, say hi honey i'm home heres your dinner, look at finding a house, do productive things on the weekend apart from drinking and drugs. I don't like who I have become lately. 

I think I am missing ana. Shes been gone for so long. Shes in the back of my mind whispering Pixie I'm here... I've always been here. . talk to me. But living with the boy its hard to let her out. I eat all the time. It feels like it anyway. Two meals a day is two too many. 

I think its ana who i have been missing. I need to gain control again. I need the thrill of seeing the numbers on the scale go down, the bones and ribs visible through my skin. 

Im going to let her back. I need to. 
She will let me get to where I want to be. 50kg. I need to lose 3 kg to get there. I want to be stable at 50kg and go from there. I will do it. A

na will help me to do it. 

I need routine. Ana gave me that motivation. 

Im back. Pixie is back. Being MIA sucked. I missed you. 

xo Pix. 

Undo it all

I feel like I've undone my progress , I'm scared to weigh in. 50.6kg one day probably 54 the next! I ate too much today. An egg with kidney beans for breakfast, cous cous for lunch then a piece of chicken on bread and some schnitzel at family dinner. I feel the lard coming back swallowing my chin. Surrounding my thighs. I've got to start hating food again ! I hate me right now.. I've missed the boy so much I have spent too much time with my own thoughts. I need to snap out of it. I need to get shit into order. Gym more, get off the mess, study harder, eat less and quit the drinking. I always hate life for days after I drink. I always hate it after I eat. If only my mouth didn't open itself to this evil stuff. If only I had more control. I won't promise I will find it because m promises to myself are always short lived and empty. I talk, and fail to do. I'll believe it when I see it.

50.6

Finally not 53 but 50.6 read my scales today! I've ate hardly anything in days. . A Burger sat nothing yesterday and 300 cals for dinner today. I can do this! I'm almost where I want to be... 50 or 49 and I will be stoked. Lets not ruin this pixie. Xx hangovers and weightloss

What a busy weekend

Indeed it has been a very busy weekend, consisting of work, work and more work and house cleaning. 

The boy is away for a few days with a friend so I have been keeping myself company with bunny. It has been good to be alone for a while. 

I haven't had to eat meals that I don't want too. I haven't ate much really but still scales say I haven't lost a lot either... disappointing, but as my last post indicated they aren't so reliable so i think I need a new set. 

I have not gone to the gym either which I really was trying to do. Instead a girl at work was sick and left early so I was at work for 12 hours with no break... nor food just diet coke, surely I thought I would lose something but when I got home I ate some soup. Weigh in the next day only read a 300gm loss, which is not good usually when I dont eat much for a day and am active like I was at work running around like a madwoman I would see a somewhat pleasing loss.... if only.

Then the next day I also worked 6 hours no food. But when I got home my sister and I watched a movie and had a burger :( disappointing . I have not weighed in today for I am rather anxious that this said burger will make me puff like a beached whale. 

Today I slept in to a lonely bed and the sound of rain.. sadly it was bliss. When I awoke I started cleaning and have been cleaning ever since.. 4 or so hours... hopefully this counts for some exercise as I have still not made it to the gym... I have only had coffee (about to have my second) and two alcohol beverages to keep me happy while I clean and dance around with the music blasting.. 

I am really enjoying time alone.. not eating when people expect me too. I do miss the boy though and can not wait to see his return which I think is tomorrow sometime!

Tonight I am just seeing skinny girl for movies and drinks... we don't eat around each other so I don't think I will be worried about any food induced calorie intake.. there will be alcohol though ;)

Well I am off to finish my painting to put in the bedroom to surprise the boy when he gets home.. I have had it half finished for about 3 months now... today has been productive.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their weekend yes?

xo PIXIE 

Post-Christmas

Gosh I hate holidays... spending money, eating, spending time with people you'd rather not. 

I really have no idea what to write anymore.. it is as if my mind is empty. Nothing much is happening. 

I got accepted into the honors program at college... which I am sure will be stressful but perhaps that's a good thing.. keep my mind occupied and mouth shut.

I re-joined the gym post-nye.. and I have gone twice this week and I am feeling sore but good. All I want to do is exercise when  I'm not there. Eating has been blergh. Today the scales read 52.6kg then 53.2kg 1 minute after (if only I was not an obsessive "must weigh three times in a row" type) so I don't want to trust them. Instead I am going to workout, eat less and try and fit into the clothes I could this time last year. . loosely. Oddly enough even though I am fat, I have had two friends talk about how worried they are as apparently some pictures of me look too thin.... HA! It is funny when no one really noticed that much when I was 6kg lighter or said anything. I will get back to that stage < current goal 50kg before start of semester = 3.5weeks > 

So far today I have had coffee and half a packet of slim pasta with veggies and a bit of curry powder... Slim pasta is amazing 16 calories for the whole pack and that will last me two meals. 

So far I am guessing 50-80 cal for today and that will do me until dinner time. The boy wants to make dinner for me tonight but I am going to encourage something very basic/healthy. 

I may have another coffee later, while I stick my head into all these readings I need to do so I can pick my thesis topic. I have a meeting with my supervisor next week and she wants to know all my ideas and plans... this stage I don't really have any. Bad student already before semester starts :/ 

Not a fan of Miley but she does look good! 

A long way to go but...

Argh I have something to confess, and it hurts terribly to do so >.>

In my blogger absence I stacked it on... from 51 to 55 (which is a huge gain almost my highest weight ever). Ever since the boy and I moved we have been eating so much crap. Fuck you pasta, and I hate to say but I was almost eating normal... 2 meals a day... not even healthy meals. Crap. Crap. Crap food. It wasnt takeout like Maccy D's or what not but there was fish, pizza, pasta etc from eating out a lot! I also suck at my exercise routine that I started a few months back. 


So to get rid of the unwanted fat that suffocates my ass, hips, gut and thighs, EVEN FACE I am back to coffee and tea in the morning, and salads, more water and fucking off carbs. 

I am now 53kg as of this morning. I am still feeling down about my gain.. it really bloody sucks to be honest, but I am sure many can relate. 

I am planning on doing a detox in the new year, and the boy wants to too. In the mean time I am just not going to eat as much carbs, and make better choices if forced to eat in front of people.. this time of year really sucks huh. 

GOAL - 51kg and stable by Xmas. 
I will update progress.. or lack of

xo Pix 

if only....

Ha. Whilst looking at boot camp websites I used a bmi calculator. It popped up and said my bmi was 0! Ha if only, right? On that note I am thinking of either rejoining my gym...doing bootcamp, boxing classed or getting a PT. I just want to get skinny and feel energized! !! Any advice? ?? Have any of you lovelies had any success with the above? Fatter than ever. Xoxo pix.

Liebster

 The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them

Thank you the the amazing Judith Marie for nominating me for the Liebster Award - even though I have been absent for a while - it is great to feel re-connected to the blogger world.Oh boy have I missed it!

11 Random things about Pixie. 

1. I am 21
2. My star sign is Cancer and I think it suits me to a T.
3. I am not used to stability I need change, to move around alot. 
4. I miss my old friends in another state and wish I could sometimes just pick up and go back to them.
5. I have one year left of my degree.
6. I am crossing my fingers to get into honors.
7. My ex has ruined me.
8. I have few good friends. 
9. I get annoyed with girls easily... and often I avoid them text messages... block from facebook I am terrible. 
10. I love Buffy and wish I could be a vampire slayer - think How fit you would be. 
11. I often dream of Marilyn Manson in my bed. 

Questions from Judith Marie: 

1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?

Boy I think I would be a lot happier... I am really not sure. It would definately be easier to go out with friends, and spend more time with family during meal times etc. 

2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why?

Thinspiration, I feel sick looking  at FAT! I know stuck up but I am being honest. 

3. Favourite item of clothing?

If I am being casual - my black maxi dress, If I am dressing up my lbd. I really need more colour in my life!

4. What is your dream holiday?

Hmmm... anywhere that is on a secluded beach with cocktails, all my loved ones and music!

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)

My confidence I am a shy person and get extremely nervous in situations such as class presentations, job interviews etc... I think I have learnt to hide it well but.. other than thin... confidence in a person is my biggest envy!

6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?

I tend to think more than I do.... I need to just stop procrastinating, being lazy and just DO. 

7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?

In the beginning I dont think very much at all.... but then again it could have and I may not have been aware of it.... Now though I tend to source out pics of skinny celebs etc and eating habits etc. 

8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?

None. I can't due to what is called Keloid scarring, I did have my ears and lip pierced (did it myself in my emo days) but got rid of them after rapid scar growth. Yuck. 

9. How does your ED affect your relationships?

hmmm I think it hinders the quality of time I get to spend with people. . and if someone knows about my ED it makes shit awkward ha. 

10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Pasta.... I love it... but I'm allergic and it makes me fat!

11. What is top of your bucket list?

Travel for months on end. 

Bloggers I nominate: 

I have emailed these out, sorry if you have been nominated and cant be bothered replying lol.

My Questions: 

1. What made you start your blog?
2. What is your favourite book and why?
3. What is your favourite place in the world/why?
4. Who is your favourite person in your life and why?
5. Which celebrity do you hate and why?
6. What advice would you give to a 15 year old you?
7. What would be your dream job/why?
8. How many people know about your ED. What was their reaction?
9. Do you celebrate Xmas / how?
10. If you were granted 3 wishes what would they be?
11. When did your ED start/ why do you think ED is part of your life?

That is all.. 

I will post soon xoxo Pix. 

summer

Its been way too long since I have posted. I've glimpsed over posts but have been MIA. Its time to get back on the bandwagon for summer, officially starting today. I have no idea what I weigh as over been in the country for a few days to clear my head after a busy Uni semester! I think my grades are ok so I'm happy with that. But that's where the feeling of content stops. I'm probably huge. I was before I got here. So much food. The boy and I moved in together which is great but we have been eating crap for weeks! !! Its hard to eat or not like I used to when I'm always watched. I've not purged in months although I probably should have. I'm going to try new approaches when I get home in two days. Healthy eating, daily exercise and quit smoking although the latter will hinder my weightloss attempts no doubt! But only time will tell. Its time for pixie to stop talking and start doing. Wish me luck...I will try post weekly when I'm home. Now its time to get lost in a novel! Xx pix.

weekend is near

It is friday arvo - and I am ready to drink. 

This week has been okay eating wise I got back to 51.4kg but yesterday was spent with the bf so of course we ate... pasta FUCK. 

So I am sitting at 51.9 kg atm... I hope to be less tomorrow... I have not eaten today and its 3.30 soon I am meeting a friend and will sip vodka. 

I don't usually gain from alcohol if I don't follow it up with a late night snack sooo today is strictly liquids

I have had 2 coffees and I am on to a tea now. 

I need to be thin for next weeks photo shoot... 50kg at least!! 

I will update progress... if any later

until then skinny love and thinspo.. my fat arse needs it! 

xx Pix

AHA moments

M.I.A - yep me. 

Gosh since my last post I have lost gained lost gained like a yoyo. 

I am at a high weight at the moment and I am determined to lose 3kg in two weeks for a photo shoot I am doing.. the plan - clean eating lots of coffee. tea. water. 

Things have been all over the place eating wise. I have done a bit of exercise daily though which I feel good about and must keep this up. 

I have just been working and studying.
On the working note the most awkward convo was struck by my boss (B) who I haven't ever worked with but she is a family friend of mom and dad... it is along the lines of...

B: "did you want a lunch break?" 

Me: "uhm I dont know nah I'm ok for now"

B: "did you want a coffee I have some?"

ME: "nah its ok I didnt bring sugarines"

B: "smiles ..... I have some.... do you usually eat?"

ME: "like how do you mean' 

B: "breakfast?"

ME: "no"

B:"lunch?"

ME: "sometimes... when I am hungry"

B: "dinner... not really?"

"soo you're like your mom was then? (anorexic?).... I used to be like that... 28kg admitted a few times if there's one thing I could say is that it isn't a good lifestyle in fact it is shit... I see people come in here and they are big but I think they are probably happier inside and out than I will ever be... I am still not right but I try"
(I knew this as mom mentioned it about her)

---- I was stumped ---

ME: "is it that obvious?"

"B: yep you can tell you are tiny and you have patterns".

--- customers approach convo ends no more talk----

it was weird. I was not angry... I know she understood and I understood.. if anything it made me feel better as I was feeling my fattest in a long time and someone still knew... 

I don't know what to think of the convo - it was awkward but in a way comforting 


an AHA moment
 xo Pixie

over it

I am officially over it all.. at the moment at least. Perhaps I am done - fuck it I want to be normal  - the way I was before the calorie counting, before the purging, binges, restricting. Makes me happy somedatys and hating myself others.....

Happy ol Pixie. Skinny and not giving a fuck about what she ate because it didnt matter


Except now I am here- the scales show I am lower, but my moods feel the same.


While I have lost - I am now 50.7kg.Which I should be jumping for joy over but all I want to do is go back to how things were.Carefree. Not counting, weighing, measuring. 

Perhaps I am changing the game plan... perhaps I am thinking too much into recovery... perhaps most likely I am just having a bad day.. and will go back to disordered pixie tomorrow.

Perhaps I should shut the fuck up... go into Hiatus for a while. 

Eat right. Whatever "right" is... exercise more. Be confident in my own skin.... 

Perhaps it's time for this Pixie to up her meds. 

////

The weekend was not so good for me. I worked throughout it, and ate a bit, which is rare for when I am working.

Friday I ate nothing until 5pm - 3 pce of toast then we went out for buffet dinner.. gah. I did not eat a heap but did have some desserts.

Saturday nothing all day until dinner steak and bread. too much bread.

Sunday dip and biscuits, casserole and bread.. that darn bread = must stop.

On a plus I have been doing more exercise almost daily.
Weights, Stretches, sit ups etc

To redeem myself from the undesired weekend gain today is liquids then steamed veg for dinner... so far I have had water and coffee.

Tomorrow will be similar although at Uni we usually get lunch so if I do this it will be fruit salad. 

Wednesday the same

The plan is to keep up the exercise. keep busy with homework and stay well and truly clear of bread.

Other than that I have nothing much to say... boring me really 
so heres some needed inspo. 

I think that my desires of what I want my body to look like have changed. I am really appreciating "fit" - I know though that I will probably have to change my diet a lot... I will probably have to eat. But it will have to be clean eating, the right foods. The foods that will give me energy to work towards"fit".

Fruit, Veg, Protein and exercise ... lots of it!

I will do it. 

xo Pix

Lets talk goals

I have been such a slack pixie lately. However in response to Alina's comment on my last post, she asked about what my goals where - so thought I would dedicate a post to it.

So here we go

This time around... I guess I could say a relapse back into my restricting ways I have decided to be not so hard on myself with my goals... before it was 48.. which was achieved then it was lower.. which was achieved however not maintained... and when it wasnt maintained well there was gain, tears and a well pissed off Pixie.

So this time I have decided to take it slow.. I am going to lose and I am going to gain.. thats just the nature of the game for most of us unfortunately!

And in regards to gain... that I have.. and lost and gained again since my last post (50.9kg) I went up to 52.something.. down to 50.4kg then back to a current 51.4kg's. I go up and down like a yo-yo usually 1.5kg's.. so my main goal is to stay or be below 51 kg - then once I have maintained this I am up for more loss (always am) but I am not going to get to down (or try not to) if I stay at 51kg's as I know this is OKAY for me... something that I never thought possible. and something I will probably change my mind on down the track when I get attacked by the fat thoughts.

Heres a breakdown

Goal 1: Reach 51kg or below and maintain this for min. 2weeks if successful

Goal 2: Reach 50kg or below and maintain for min. 3 weeks

Goal 3: STAY BETWEEN 49-50KG FOREVER MWAHAHAH WISHFUL THINKING

Goal 4: Exercise mean and eat super clean - no bread no sweets no processed shit

I am not having strict time frames as they just get me frustrated and depressed when I do not achieve so end of year I want that bikini bod for summer about 5 months away!

In other news my eating is getting better... more clean eating = not as much processed shit

lots of veg, salad, appropriate proteins and fruit

I have done some exercise yet not as much so thats also on the agenda of goals 

Let's see how this goes. 

Thinspo please?

 Victoria secret models have become my wannabe bods

Id be happy to look like any of the above.. ha wouldnt we all?

xo Pixie.

A rainbow after the storm

Hello ladies- Firstly I must apologize about my whiny behavior in my last posts. It seems that purging worked as yesterday I was 50.9kg!Fifty something I could not believe it! I thought yes Pixie you have been granted a second chance for your evil stuffing your face ways although I undoubtedly took the second chance for granted.


Yesterday went okay. I was at University from 9.30-5.30pm and had only coffee and an apple. Dinner was Chili con-carne and some pineapple... not the greatest as dinner was pretty big.


Today I have started all my uni work. Although I have only been for three days I already have a mountain of work to do, and I want to get ahead with it so I don't get stressed and swamped at the last minute. I also have been considering doing honors for my final year. There are between 15-20 spots available and you have to have a high GPA and maintain it. While my GPA is high enough, I am not sure how many other people doing the course have the same or higher so I need to increase it! so study study study... 


If I don't do honors I will do masters which is an additional year and a half. But it seems so interesting and I, despite getting stressed often, really do love learning. 


Knowledge is so powerful. 


Today is my day off so I slept in a tiny bit. Drank coffee and hit the books. I am about three weeks ahead for one subject. Mother was home as she is fed up with work and rather upset about it. . so here's the bad thing... we went out for lunch and she made me dinner.


So today the intake was not so great
Coffee x2
Spicy noodle soup (half bowl)
2pce of bread with a small bowl of casserole (mostly purged).


I am not sure what tomorrow's weigh in will be. Likely not great but I am not too stressed. This cold thing is really taking a tole on me.. I am weak, exhausted and dizzy often. So eating a bit is probably what I require to be on the mend.



In other news the boy gets home in 4 days and I can not wait. I really do miss him. Sappy I know! It's his birthday in a few weeks so I got tickets to a band :) I know he is going to love it.



I promise I will read and comment soon.. feel free to comment too if anyone is reading start a discussion ask a question anything to break up my study routine :P 


xoxo Pixie

fat fucking failure

I was 51.6kg this morning - seems to be where I WAS staying


Stupid pixie was a fat fuck today and ate a fuck load


Coffee
Squid with chips
soup with bread x2
ice-cream


calories no idea well over 1000~


FUCKING PERIOD. I HATE YOU.


I am surely going to be over 52kgs tomorrow and I am not happy to say the least.


I don't know what I was thinking.... I hate that I really have no self control whatsoever!


I am a fake wannabe skinny at the moment. Im not even trying, I want the results yet fuck achieving them up by eating like a fat fucking wale. 
Argh - I'm going to go purge, not that that will get rid of the calories and fat I have driven into my mouth, my stomach, thighs, cheeks - tomorrow's weigh in will be a nightmare




I say this all the time.. "im going to change things... i am going to eat less... exercise more"... but I don't know if i can say this as clearly I am not listening and doing what I know I should be.


This week is a perfect week to lose weight. The boys overseas - he cant bother me about not eating/// so why don't i just do that?


Fatness and failures = a fucking disappointed self loathing pixie


x

horrible

Today I woke to 51.8kg - when yesterday I was 51.2kg's - although later today I was 51.6kg's... so I think I have some water weight plus its that time of month so bloatings a bitch - and due to that splendid time or month so is my appetite!

I went to class today although I was only there 2hours... not long enough to steer me away from boredom and the fridge (secretly it will be great when I get homework so I can stay at uni AWAY from food for hours on end) I still have this cold thing which is shitting me off too..

I should take this advice!

Anywho intake----- scary

Morning: Coffee
Lunch: Bean Wrap
Snack: Small bowl soup w/roll
Dinner: Grilled chicken, corn, a few hot chips
Dessert: A few buds of chocolate melted with strawberries...

FUCK YOU PERIOD. FUCK YOU COLD. AND FUCK YOU LACK OF SELF CONTROL.

I am feeling shit about it. Which I knew I would. It is so funny how I go get something to eat thinking "I am going to hate myself for this after" yet I still do it... its like I want to fail...well I obviously don't want to but I am clearly not trying hard enough to avoid it!

I wanted to go for a walk but my coughings so bad and the airs so cold that I will just get sicker  so sit ups it is then.

Tomorrow I have class 9-11.30am then I will probably try do some readings etc and avoid coming home to a fridge of food.

Hating myself.
Pixie xo