over it

I am officially over it all.. at the moment at least. Perhaps I am done - fuck it I want to be normal  - the way I was before the calorie counting, before the purging, binges, restricting. Makes me happy somedatys and hating myself others.....

Happy ol Pixie. Skinny and not giving a fuck about what she ate because it didnt matter


Except now I am here- the scales show I am lower, but my moods feel the same.


While I have lost - I am now 50.7kg.Which I should be jumping for joy over but all I want to do is go back to how things were.Carefree. Not counting, weighing, measuring. 

Perhaps I am changing the game plan... perhaps I am thinking too much into recovery... perhaps most likely I am just having a bad day.. and will go back to disordered pixie tomorrow.

Perhaps I should shut the fuck up... go into Hiatus for a while. 

Eat right. Whatever "right" is... exercise more. Be confident in my own skin.... 

Perhaps it's time for this Pixie to up her meds. 

////

The weekend was not so good for me. I worked throughout it, and ate a bit, which is rare for when I am working.

Friday I ate nothing until 5pm - 3 pce of toast then we went out for buffet dinner.. gah. I did not eat a heap but did have some desserts.

Saturday nothing all day until dinner steak and bread. too much bread.

Sunday dip and biscuits, casserole and bread.. that darn bread = must stop.

On a plus I have been doing more exercise almost daily.
Weights, Stretches, sit ups etc

To redeem myself from the undesired weekend gain today is liquids then steamed veg for dinner... so far I have had water and coffee.

Tomorrow will be similar although at Uni we usually get lunch so if I do this it will be fruit salad. 

Wednesday the same

The plan is to keep up the exercise. keep busy with homework and stay well and truly clear of bread.

Other than that I have nothing much to say... boring me really 
so heres some needed inspo. 

I think that my desires of what I want my body to look like have changed. I am really appreciating "fit" - I know though that I will probably have to change my diet a lot... I will probably have to eat. But it will have to be clean eating, the right foods. The foods that will give me energy to work towards"fit".

Fruit, Veg, Protein and exercise ... lots of it!

I will do it. 

xo Pix

Lets talk goals

I have been such a slack pixie lately. However in response to Alina's comment on my last post, she asked about what my goals where - so thought I would dedicate a post to it.

So here we go

This time around... I guess I could say a relapse back into my restricting ways I have decided to be not so hard on myself with my goals... before it was 48.. which was achieved then it was lower.. which was achieved however not maintained... and when it wasnt maintained well there was gain, tears and a well pissed off Pixie.

So this time I have decided to take it slow.. I am going to lose and I am going to gain.. thats just the nature of the game for most of us unfortunately!

And in regards to gain... that I have.. and lost and gained again since my last post (50.9kg) I went up to 52.something.. down to 50.4kg then back to a current 51.4kg's. I go up and down like a yo-yo usually 1.5kg's.. so my main goal is to stay or be below 51 kg - then once I have maintained this I am up for more loss (always am) but I am not going to get to down (or try not to) if I stay at 51kg's as I know this is OKAY for me... something that I never thought possible. and something I will probably change my mind on down the track when I get attacked by the fat thoughts.

Heres a breakdown

Goal 1: Reach 51kg or below and maintain this for min. 2weeks if successful

Goal 2: Reach 50kg or below and maintain for min. 3 weeks

Goal 3: STAY BETWEEN 49-50KG FOREVER MWAHAHAH WISHFUL THINKING

Goal 4: Exercise mean and eat super clean - no bread no sweets no processed shit

I am not having strict time frames as they just get me frustrated and depressed when I do not achieve so end of year I want that bikini bod for summer about 5 months away!

In other news my eating is getting better... more clean eating = not as much processed shit

lots of veg, salad, appropriate proteins and fruit

I have done some exercise yet not as much so thats also on the agenda of goals 

Let's see how this goes. 

Thinspo please?

 Victoria secret models have become my wannabe bods

Id be happy to look like any of the above.. ha wouldnt we all?

xo Pixie.

A rainbow after the storm

Hello ladies- Firstly I must apologize about my whiny behavior in my last posts. It seems that purging worked as yesterday I was 50.9kg!Fifty something I could not believe it! I thought yes Pixie you have been granted a second chance for your evil stuffing your face ways although I undoubtedly took the second chance for granted.


Yesterday went okay. I was at University from 9.30-5.30pm and had only coffee and an apple. Dinner was Chili con-carne and some pineapple... not the greatest as dinner was pretty big.


Today I have started all my uni work. Although I have only been for three days I already have a mountain of work to do, and I want to get ahead with it so I don't get stressed and swamped at the last minute. I also have been considering doing honors for my final year. There are between 15-20 spots available and you have to have a high GPA and maintain it. While my GPA is high enough, I am not sure how many other people doing the course have the same or higher so I need to increase it! so study study study... 


If I don't do honors I will do masters which is an additional year and a half. But it seems so interesting and I, despite getting stressed often, really do love learning. 


Knowledge is so powerful. 


Today is my day off so I slept in a tiny bit. Drank coffee and hit the books. I am about three weeks ahead for one subject. Mother was home as she is fed up with work and rather upset about it. . so here's the bad thing... we went out for lunch and she made me dinner.


So today the intake was not so great
Coffee x2
Spicy noodle soup (half bowl)
2pce of bread with a small bowl of casserole (mostly purged).


I am not sure what tomorrow's weigh in will be. Likely not great but I am not too stressed. This cold thing is really taking a tole on me.. I am weak, exhausted and dizzy often. So eating a bit is probably what I require to be on the mend.



In other news the boy gets home in 4 days and I can not wait. I really do miss him. Sappy I know! It's his birthday in a few weeks so I got tickets to a band :) I know he is going to love it.



I promise I will read and comment soon.. feel free to comment too if anyone is reading start a discussion ask a question anything to break up my study routine :P 


xoxo Pixie

fat fucking failure

I was 51.6kg this morning - seems to be where I WAS staying


Stupid pixie was a fat fuck today and ate a fuck load


Coffee
Squid with chips
soup with bread x2
ice-cream


calories no idea well over 1000~


FUCKING PERIOD. I HATE YOU.


I am surely going to be over 52kgs tomorrow and I am not happy to say the least.


I don't know what I was thinking.... I hate that I really have no self control whatsoever!


I am a fake wannabe skinny at the moment. Im not even trying, I want the results yet fuck achieving them up by eating like a fat fucking wale. 
Argh - I'm going to go purge, not that that will get rid of the calories and fat I have driven into my mouth, my stomach, thighs, cheeks - tomorrow's weigh in will be a nightmare




I say this all the time.. "im going to change things... i am going to eat less... exercise more"... but I don't know if i can say this as clearly I am not listening and doing what I know I should be.


This week is a perfect week to lose weight. The boys overseas - he cant bother me about not eating/// so why don't i just do that?


Fatness and failures = a fucking disappointed self loathing pixie


x

horrible

Today I woke to 51.8kg - when yesterday I was 51.2kg's - although later today I was 51.6kg's... so I think I have some water weight plus its that time of month so bloatings a bitch - and due to that splendid time or month so is my appetite!

I went to class today although I was only there 2hours... not long enough to steer me away from boredom and the fridge (secretly it will be great when I get homework so I can stay at uni AWAY from food for hours on end) I still have this cold thing which is shitting me off too..

I should take this advice!

Anywho intake----- scary

Morning: Coffee
Lunch: Bean Wrap
Snack: Small bowl soup w/roll
Dinner: Grilled chicken, corn, a few hot chips
Dessert: A few buds of chocolate melted with strawberries...

FUCK YOU PERIOD. FUCK YOU COLD. AND FUCK YOU LACK OF SELF CONTROL.

I am feeling shit about it. Which I knew I would. It is so funny how I go get something to eat thinking "I am going to hate myself for this after" yet I still do it... its like I want to fail...well I obviously don't want to but I am clearly not trying hard enough to avoid it!

I wanted to go for a walk but my coughings so bad and the airs so cold that I will just get sicker  so sit ups it is then.

Tomorrow I have class 9-11.30am then I will probably try do some readings etc and avoid coming home to a fridge of food.

Hating myself.
Pixie xo

51.7

I am feeling pretty average today - stupid case of the cold/flu. Possibly due to the weekends antics.

I have lost not much but tis a loss. I ate a bit yesterday things did not go as planned.

Firstly I went to brunch with a friend .. "I will take the fruit salad"... "Sorry we are out"... eggs it is.

I then ate popcorn at the cinema with angel and soup and bread when I got home ... darn bread.

But I was pleased that I still lost 100grams :)

Today it has been coffee and rockmelon. I was meant to go to lunch with my brother however I havent heard from him.. a blessing in disguise?

I think I will now go to the vid store get some trashy movies and drink some soup.

No going out for this pixie this weekend just staying home and working in preparation for Mondays classes back at Uni.

xox