over it

I am officially over it all.. at the moment at least. Perhaps I am done - fuck it I want to be normal  - the way I was before the calorie counting, before the purging, binges, restricting. Makes me happy somedatys and hating myself others.....

Happy ol Pixie. Skinny and not giving a fuck about what she ate because it didnt matter


Except now I am here- the scales show I am lower, but my moods feel the same.


While I have lost - I am now 50.7kg.Which I should be jumping for joy over but all I want to do is go back to how things were.Carefree. Not counting, weighing, measuring. 

Perhaps I am changing the game plan... perhaps I am thinking too much into recovery... perhaps most likely I am just having a bad day.. and will go back to disordered pixie tomorrow.

Perhaps I should shut the fuck up... go into Hiatus for a while. 

Eat right. Whatever "right" is... exercise more. Be confident in my own skin.... 

Perhaps it's time for this Pixie to up her meds. 

////

The weekend was not so good for me. I worked throughout it, and ate a bit, which is rare for when I am working.

Friday I ate nothing until 5pm - 3 pce of toast then we went out for buffet dinner.. gah. I did not eat a heap but did have some desserts.

Saturday nothing all day until dinner steak and bread. too much bread.

Sunday dip and biscuits, casserole and bread.. that darn bread = must stop.

On a plus I have been doing more exercise almost daily.
Weights, Stretches, sit ups etc

To redeem myself from the undesired weekend gain today is liquids then steamed veg for dinner... so far I have had water and coffee.

Tomorrow will be similar although at Uni we usually get lunch so if I do this it will be fruit salad. 

Wednesday the same

The plan is to keep up the exercise. keep busy with homework and stay well and truly clear of bread.

Other than that I have nothing much to say... boring me really 
so heres some needed inspo. 

I think that my desires of what I want my body to look like have changed. I am really appreciating "fit" - I know though that I will probably have to change my diet a lot... I will probably have to eat. But it will have to be clean eating, the right foods. The foods that will give me energy to work towards"fit".

Fruit, Veg, Protein and exercise ... lots of it!

I will do it. 

xo Pix

Lets talk goals

I have been such a slack pixie lately. However in response to Alina's comment on my last post, she asked about what my goals where - so thought I would dedicate a post to it.

So here we go

This time around... I guess I could say a relapse back into my restricting ways I have decided to be not so hard on myself with my goals... before it was 48.. which was achieved then it was lower.. which was achieved however not maintained... and when it wasnt maintained well there was gain, tears and a well pissed off Pixie.

So this time I have decided to take it slow.. I am going to lose and I am going to gain.. thats just the nature of the game for most of us unfortunately!

And in regards to gain... that I have.. and lost and gained again since my last post (50.9kg) I went up to 52.something.. down to 50.4kg then back to a current 51.4kg's. I go up and down like a yo-yo usually 1.5kg's.. so my main goal is to stay or be below 51 kg - then once I have maintained this I am up for more loss (always am) but I am not going to get to down (or try not to) if I stay at 51kg's as I know this is OKAY for me... something that I never thought possible. and something I will probably change my mind on down the track when I get attacked by the fat thoughts.

Heres a breakdown

Goal 1: Reach 51kg or below and maintain this for min. 2weeks if successful

Goal 2: Reach 50kg or below and maintain for min. 3 weeks

Goal 3: STAY BETWEEN 49-50KG FOREVER MWAHAHAH WISHFUL THINKING

Goal 4: Exercise mean and eat super clean - no bread no sweets no processed shit

I am not having strict time frames as they just get me frustrated and depressed when I do not achieve so end of year I want that bikini bod for summer about 5 months away!

In other news my eating is getting better... more clean eating = not as much processed shit

lots of veg, salad, appropriate proteins and fruit

I have done some exercise yet not as much so thats also on the agenda of goals 

Let's see how this goes. 

Thinspo please?

 Victoria secret models have become my wannabe bods

Id be happy to look like any of the above.. ha wouldnt we all?

xo Pixie.