slack

I hope everyone had a merry christmas!


I still have no good news to report. Just that I am starting a new diet in the new year
No sugar.
Nothing white basically bread - pasta - rice
Nothing overly processed


I got a bike. Can't wait to ride everywhere :) 


What are your new years resolutions?




maybe mine should be get back on the bandwagon and update more often!


I like the sound of that.


XO - Pixie. 

A while

It has been ages since my last post and it this time I have gained.A whopping 6 kilos infact. I was so ashamed to come on here and read how well everyone is going so I took a break and honestly it was the best thing for me.

I am at my highest weight I have ever been 54kg - no longer weighing the 48kg or 47.7kg that I was only months ago. But you know what I am happier... I am not calorie counting at all. I am not purging (although I did on the weekend twice oops, I am eating allot less sweets actually and I am not binging on a million snacks a day.

While yes I think gosh why could I not just be 48kg again, why cant my clothes be loose, why cant my ribs be showing still and face slimmer oddly I am not as depressed as what I was when I was calorie counting, weighing myself 15 times a day and purging just as many.

I still eat healthily - usually two meals a day and still only drink water and diet soda its not like I am eating Maccas or burgers (not that I did that anyway).

My boyfriend says I look good, and happy that I have my ass back - I still am not content but getting there. I know I was crazy with what I was doing. I was making myself sick.

I still want to lose weight I want to be 50 kg or 49kg again but I am going to try take a different approach and not be so self loathing and in such a rush (losing 6 kilos in a couple of months takes only a couple of weeks to put back on trust!). It was this self loathing that made me binge - thinking I am not good enough or worth anything. If I take my time with it and trick my body into thinking "if you want the cookie eat the cookie" then maybe the body wont want the cookie quite as much!

I think I have failed alot of people, but so be it. I hope everyone is doing well. I have missed you. I hope you understand.

xo Pixie.

Motivation Monday.

Hello Darlings,

I am sucking at this blogging thing lately- exams have consumed all my time. But now I am happy to report I am free! No more study for me :) ...

Today was the first day I woke up with no alarm, without having anything to do apart from be in my own company and relax!

So far I have done nada, ate some cereal watched a movie.. I am about to clean my wardrobe. This could either be exciting or scary .. scary that I don't have summer clothes or scary by the means in which the ones I do have do not fit due to being to small :/ we shall see.

I have not been "dieting", "restricting" or "purging". I pretty much have ate what I want when I wanted including pasta (gosh). But I have felt pretty okay. There have been days where I would want to cry because I felt my ass and thighs getting larger, then there would be days where the number on the scale was slightly higher but I felt I looked skinnier.. I weighed in this morning, 51.1... still going to take some time getting to my goal 49kg. But I am going to take a different approach. Instead of binging on sweets because I am so deprived of everything I will eat healthier lots more fruit and veggies, and try get out and exercise more. I am hopeful and feeling good.

I am so excited about being on holidays in two weeks S and I go interstate for a trip to meet some old friends and go shopping. I am looking forward to buy a new wardrobe - something I rarely do. I am determined to look good when I see my old friends I have not seen them in  1.5 years. . so 2 weeks I think will allow for me to get to 49kg... I have lost way more in a shorter time in the past but this involved purging and restricting, leaving me weak and hungry - which really just resulted in me putting 3kgs  back on in a short amount of time with all the sweets I was eating, making me feel lethargic and unmotivated.

If i do it healthy - I will feel healthy.

Also  I have made a list of all the things I want to do before the end of 2012! It includes things like, getting off my meds, painting, reading, being creative, seeing old friends making new ones, finding the ultimate job, being a great girlfriend, daughter and sister, exercising more, trying a new sport and overall feeling better and happy within myself. I mark this day as the beginning of a new journey for me. Making this the best summer to come!

I hope everyone is well. . I need to catchup on blogs. I would love to hear  how you have all been, let me know!! Missed you

xox Pixie.

Blah

Exam study. . It will all be over tomorrow night and I will perhaps even have a well deserved drink and then do nothing Thursday and Friday!

Intake eep.. well I got my appetite back :(
Today (Tuesday)
Cereal - 200 cals
4 gyoza things and salad - 200
apple pie piece (eeep) 150 -200
veggie Pattie that mom bought from the organic marker (it was gross ha) - 200cals

Intake = 750-800 cals feeling pretty shitty about it !

Tomorrow about 9pm I would have finished exams and be celebrating the fact that I have a year off to find me!

I have decided a list of things I want to do in this gap year

- start painting again
- save $25, 000

- be happy with no meds
- buy a new wardrobe (something I NEVER do)
- volunteer once a week
- read as many books as I can get my hands on
- gym more 4 times per week to start


that is it so far.. starting small (update list prior to NYE)

Thinspo of late:

xo  - Pix

Long time no see

It has been a while! I have been quite ill as of late - struck with a nasty bug that did the rounds in my household. I have been vomiting alot! It is horrible vomiting when you cant control it - normally I am in control of my purging pursuits. Not this time! I ended up blacking out alot too but now I am semi-on the mend no more spew guts just headaches and dizziness - all in time for exam study :P

Good thing about it all I have lost a little after gaining alot! 1.6kg away from where I want to be back at 49kg!

Intake:

Saturday
2 pc toast (200)
1/2 salad (45)
chocolate (eeek 150)
Indian (no idea but it was all purged unintentionally as with the chocolate)\

Sunday
toast and bread which mom made me eat because I was so faint and kept blacking out (400 cals)

Monday -
2pc toast again thanks mom (200 cals)
salad and 4x prawn dumplings (200 cals)

That's it so far so 1195 over three days plus a crap load of spew guts = no exercise I'm afraid
I am going to probably eat dinner tonight I will try keep it around 200-250 cals.

So i guess this sickness was a blessing in disguise a sort of body flush detox... so here's to new beginnings.

xo - Pix

Thursday

Yesterday was not soo good. I ate a fair bit- consisting of cereal and bowl of pasta and went to dinner and had barramundi w/ salad (purged) I also ate some cookies that mother decided to bake!

I am feeling weak and exhausted so I don't think I am going to work today. I booked an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to get everything checked out, perhaps up my meds and sort out the lump/chest pain.. should be fun :/

I am feeling pretty fat atm.. I seem to eat allot when I am stressed about assignments and exams... I am thinking that I am going to for the week until next Thursday - eat not a heap of shit but just eat lots of fruit and veggies and not weigh myself.. Then after my exams (wednes/thurs) I will go back into combat mode!

I can't focus on my study and mope about my weight atm... I don't have the energy.

I have been neglecting the blog scene a bit lately due to extensive study and assignments, but this time next week I will be back, more committed than ever! I am just sick of reporting my failures, so I want to be able report good news and hopefully be down to 49kg again!!

I hope you all are enjoying the week and are staying beautiful and strong.


xo - Pixie.

Outcome

So the fruit and liquid fast did not last as long as I had hoped 22 hours... not 24 darnit.. Mum made me eat dinner. A bowl of pasta so I consumed approx 450-470 cals today.

I guess this is not too bad, considering my past efforts but I am pretty dev I didn't make the 24 hours... I know if coffee didn't get cancelled altogether my mum would have been happy thinking I had ate dinner.

On a plus no chocolate or added sugars today just those in my mango :)

Intake - 450-470max
water water water
coffee
mango
pasta

Anywho short post, my fingers kill from working on the computer all day! Stupid assignments.

xo - Pix

Day 1

I am starting over!
Last night I spent the whole time wanting to vomit because I could feel all the sugar and fat float around my body pushing its way through to my ass, thighs and stomach. It was as if my body was a balloon, getting bigger and bigger I felt like I was going to pop! I have definitely got rid of sweet food craving, the thought of biscuits or chocolate makes me want to throw up!

Today I am trying a liquid and fruit/veg only day. With hopes to do a bit of a detox.

So far I have just drank water... In an hour I am going to allow myself some fruit. Then again later later in the arvo another piece of fruit or a tomato.. I was meant to go to dinner but think it's just coffee now. Which is good because the rents will think I went out to eat.

Mum made a comment yesterday to my uncle it made me angry
"oh she eats, and eats and eats.. all the time"
I thought: only in the past week or so... not always!
Whatever. I'm determined and I am not going to be as mopy as what I have been. I hate reading my discouraging self loathing posts.. I need to learn to love myself. I AM GOING TO LOVE MY THIN SELF!

Some much needed thinspo:

xo - Pixie.

Monday

The weekend is over, its the start of a new week. I don't feel that great I still have not lost near as much as planned. I stopped weighing myself over the weekend, and breifly did this morning... not good.

But on a lighter note the weekend was pretty good I danced my butt off and drank my sorrows away. Saturday was a fat day (calories no clue) as was Sunday really (again no clue) but that was what I wanted... not wanting to know how many calories consumed or burned. In a way I wanted to be bad -eat whatever the hell I wanted! and do whatever I wanted.. and while I am no where near the weight I want I am feeling positive that my weekend of "fuck it" attitude has got most of the crap food cravings out of my system... now I will give it afew days to detox them out of my body.

Intake so far:
coffee small portion cereal - 140
Squid salad - 300
bananna - 105
*few too many chocky pieces at s's* - no idea 150?!

So far intake = 695 fuck.

I am going to wein my way into my old eating habits... I barely had any.. but these binges and large meals have made my stomach crave food, I will shrink it. I will shrink my legs, gut and arms. I will be thinner and loose 2kg by the weekend!

xo Pixie - I have missed you all

break

This weekend im taking a break. Going to let my hair down and spend a night on the town dancing and laughing.. Not caring. That's the plan atleast. While i do feel a heap better today than yesterday i know something still isn't quite right. Im not quiet right.. I need to get back to my roots.. Do the things that in the past would make me remotely or seemingly happy.

I'll be back... After the weekend or so. I want to have a break from technology or atleast try.

Love you all lovelies thanks for the support.



Xo pixie

the worlds a stage...I'm just its bitch.

Phone post: Today from my last post was pretty fucked.. It got worse.

I ate and ate and ate... Worked....then ate even though i was full after the first meal. . I pushed my stomach further... I sat at the fridge eating.. lasagna ~ soda~ peanut butter sandwiches x 2 - chocolate and strawberries - 2 serves - chocolate icecream - beans and salsa. ..... Total of around 1300cals disgusting i know! !

i feel shit... But all i could think of each time i searched for more food was "Fuck it".. Ive become so warped in this depression over the past few months.Since august i think.But no one has noticed... No one has helped.... Im always the one to see how everyones day is.. The one they whinge and bitch to... Life stresses boys work uni... You name it i hear it. Which is fine i love listening... I love helping... But sometimes i yearn to be heard.. To have someone ask how am i doing..oh well.... I would probably lie and say im fine. Im not fine. I know that ~ my psych knew that.Maybe i should go back.I just don't see the purpose of life at the moment...i think i have bipolar its in my family.One day im semi happy.The next its as if the world is grabbing me and im too small to struggle free from its grip. But really i am big and fat.

Tomorrow is a new day. I always tell people that. It's about time i took my own advice.

No more scales for me. No more bingeing for me. Just finding me. The girl i know who was once healthy and happy. It isn't a fond memory but i know she once existed.


Plan~ Exercising daily.
No bingeing.
No purging.
No bullshit.
Just low calorie happy living..


Hahaha funny thing i just remembered today S told me "you're like a bulimic... Eat nothing for days then binge on crap" ~ if only he knew..

Sorry this is long.. Boring. Much like me.


Goodnight lovelies

Xo pixie.

Slipping with mixed emotions

I don't know what has sparked it. Perhaps it is because I am no happier now which I had hoped to be - in fact I think I am worse off - hungry - binging purging - feeling weak with no energy nor the motivation do much at all. I thought to myself today  - I'm not fat. WOW theres a first for everything
At 49.5kg-50kg and 173cm tall I know medically speaking I am far from fat but underweight... but still I can't help but want to get thinner (my head is twisted)


But as I strive to get thinner I am getting weaker. I miss the things I used to be able to do. Enjoy a meal out with S. Now I fear going to his house or being around him. It should not be this way! I love S + he loves me.

I am not getting what I wanted to out of this... I think the first few weeks-months I was as I dropped around 6kg in a short time then I got the comments "you lost weight" "you are too thin"... but now people are used to seeing me at my 48-49-50kg's and it is no different. It is harder to lose weight...

I just ate some lasagna, chocolate and berries and even had a non-diet soda - already I would have consumed 550+ calories and it is only half past midday... and I want more.. more food. Because I know I shouldn't. .

How the hell did all this begin?

I thought I had found myself... an identity... something I am good at.. but it is taking over me and I am failing miserably. Questioning it all... is it worth it? Followers will hate me,,,, I will probably hate me....


What will the end result be if I do get thin... or thinner - what is thinner when will it all be enough? when will I be happy.. hell I though 50kg would be my halt.. then 48.. then I wanted more and more once I got there... I got to 47.7 then I wanted to get to 46instead I crept up and up and up back to 49-50kg.. is that my stable weight?...

What happens when I stop or "recover" - do I maintain? or do I just gain?

sometimes it's just all too hard for a girl. Where does one go next? Do i take two step forwards or two steps back and which way is forward - the pursuit to thin or the path to "normal" living, which way is back - the path to fat or the path to "unhealthy" living...
I am so sorry to all of you.. and to myself. I really don't know what is going to happen... I wish I or someone could give me all the answers!


x Pix.

Even better

Today has been tedious but good - my presentation went well - at least I hope, and I got accepted in the university course I applied for interstate - so in a year off I go.
Anywho keep it short and simple. No gym as sis already went instead I rode the bike at home, did situps and scissor kicks only for 20 mins.. I plan on doing more later also.


Intake
Breakfast - coffee and piece of celery with a smidgen of peanut butter - 15 cals
Snack - watermelon and few choc teddy bickies to celebrate my acceptance into the course I wanted haha and then mum had a platter of some dip and biscuits which of course I munched on a few - 100 cals here
also a spinach chili and shirataki noodles dish - 40 cals
Dinner - that dreaded lasagna - full of vegies (carrot spinach mushroom zucchini), low fat bechamel sauce (the whole lot for the WHOLE family lasagna was worth 395 cals) and pasta was layered only on the top and on the bottom with a heap of veggies in between - I have no idea how many cals here I know it was a healthy version. I would guesstimate 600 cals (2 slices waa) which I was prepared for!

Also I lost .. at least I think my scales are playing pranks... I weighed in at 49.5kg, re-checked 49.8 re check
49.7 - I always check 3 times - OCD of me I know... so I am going with the higher number 49.8kg... not great but better than my 50kgplus!

Total - 755 cals and so far with the short amount of bike, leg and situps work I would have burnt around 100+ cals of this (not much I know). I really could have cut down on the unnecessary snacks biscuits darnit!

Agenda:
Tonight: lunges, wall sits, situps.
Tomorrow - belly fat burner dvd exercises (yet to try this out)/study/work
Remainder of week:
Start and finish last assignment by Friday which will allow me a weekend off from any study!
Monday,Tues, Wednesday start exam prep which is in about 2 weeks and after that it s freedom!!
Weekend: Relax. Drink. Relax. AVOID JUNKFOOD!


How is everyones week going? I would love to know

xo - Pix

Happy

Intake of le day:

Breakfast - coffee - 10 cals
Lunch and Dessert - Fruit salad - 113 calories although watermelon and rock melon (which I found out was also cantaloupe weird we never use that word here but it was on the negative cal list so I looked it up *after eating* and score they are both on my negative calorie food list)
evening snack- coffee - 10 cal
Dinner - veggie Pattie,felafel's and salad - 270 cals

Total 403 and if you get technical I can deduct my fruit salad melon concoction and take it down to *drum roll please*

290 cals for the day! Yay

(even if the whole negative calorie food thing is not entirely true I am still so happy that I spent those 100+ cals on healthy energising fruit)

(loving the legs)

I am happy with this. I also did some leg exercises- squats, scissor kicks, wall sit, lunges and will do some sit ups for the tummy before bed. Tomorrow I am hoping to follow the same routine during the day but I know mum has prepared a Veggie lasagna for dinner because we have family over... I know pasta- weakness and cheese gahh! so If I just have coffee, fruit salad, and lasagna and salad I hope to stick around no more than 600-700 cals for the day - plus I am going for a gym session with my sister which I hope to burn at least 300+ cals (we only get to do half hour because of the family dinner waa but during the day I will do some on my own)!!!

Things are looking up this week - I think I was in such a slump where I lacked motivation and cause - but Uni is almost over I have two assignments and an exam (with a week of nothing to prep for bonus!) and summer is fast approaching. I need to look good!

I am going to go clothes shopping too next week spend some savings on clothes I am going to fit into comfortably no squeeze necessary - oh the life of a dreamer :P

I hope everyone so far is having a great start to the week
... I am thinking of posting pics next week if I see some progress just to remind me if I put my mind to things I can get them done - but I am chicken scared!!! what if I break my computer... sighhh

xo Pix

Tuesday

The day looks beautiful - the sun is shining and my veggie patch growing!

Yesterday I had a total intake of 1014 cals eeek alot right!
But exercise wise I went to the gym did some work on weights, cross trainer and the bike, walked to the gym and back also!

All in all my exercise total was around 1495 (according to my ap that calculated my sleeping, desk work, weight, bike and cross training, walking and general resting)

so - 481 cals

I am going to reduce my food intake a bit - the two bowls of cereal yesterday was unnecessary and Mum got me a spinach parcel for dinner and because it was store bought from the organic market I roughly guessed it would be around 300 cals - no more, maybe less... I hate not knowing how many cals in food !!!

I weighed in today - 50.2kg I am so disgusted but this WILL be down to my 48-49 range by the weekend!! I am going to the gym a lot with my sister so we keep eachother motivated. Tonight I will focus on my stomach and tomorrow its gym bike, weights, treadmil again!

Well off to university 2nd to last day for the year!! I have a speech tomorrow I hate speeches!! but think I am partly prepared!

Have a lovely day pretties xox

Monday

The day so far has been good. I am partially relaxed!
I woke up earlyish had a coffee and did my assignment and submitted just after midday.

Around 12.30 pm I was feeling a little peckish so I made lunch
Spinach and rocket (7), piece of corn (63), some green beans, low joule pickles (5), 105 cals of felafel's and raita (yogurt and cucumber sauce super low cal and no fat 10 cal) all up this with the coffee was around 200 cals

Then I had a meeting to go to for university, then I got home and was still hungry so I ate a large amount of antioxidant cereal and added some frozen berries and skim milk - 350 cals

The day so far 550 cals.
 I am going to meet a friend soon for a coffee but instead think I will get a fresh juice (which is a meal in itself) for around 165 cals...

I am also going to the gym with my sister tonight too for a session so that will be good - hopefully burn a bit!

Will let you know.

xo Pixie.

cookies, cheesecakes and chocolate oh my.

So day three and four of my "new leaf" - again weekends suck. I was going okay until..... *please feel free to hate me*

Saturday:
200 cal breakky
60 - cal lunch
then nothing until 4pm which was chocolate, nachos, biscuits and coffee, and an ice cream at the cinemas, diet coke and Kahlua and for dinner two mass pieces of cheesecake berries and a mango... Horrible so Horrible - some purging definitely did occur I think I got most of the nachos and biscuits out but still.. what the fuck,

My family thinks I am pregnant!! I don't blame them - the amount of chocolate I am eating which was so rare never on easter would I even go near the stuff.. I'm also finding myself reaching for a tub of strawberries and peanut butter and dad again says - are you sure you're not pregnant. God I sure hope not!!

I think perhaps because I no longer eat meat I am craving something to fill the void as well with all my past restriction .. it is as if I am purposely sabotaging my good intent to hate myself even more. All I know is this IS GOING TO STOP. I WILL SAY NO. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS A HEAP LATELY BUT PLEASE LET IT BE THIS TIME!

(I think this girl is stunning)

Sunday was cereal and coffee and biscuits
2pc fish and salad
more chocolate and biscuits - purged
veggie Pattie, salad, mashed potato, chickpea salad and bread ! I never would eat bread with my dinner (nor would I stack my plate with carbs like mash) - I am very concerned. I have no idea what I am doing or why this is happening oh also my sis bought me an ice-cream which I ate.

I am feeling like absolute shit. I can't go on like this every weekend at S's... I am almost going to have to stop going there... we always say "fat weekends " then both eat healthy-ish during the week - but he doesn't know about my during the week chocolate binges. I wish I could take it all back... and remove it.. I am going to take some Lax's tomorrow but first I am going to finish my assignment thats due tomorrow night, go to the gym for a workout and a meeting at university then see how I go.

(and this is what I shall sure try and do)

My gosh. pregnant... could it be possible? I am on the pill - have been for 5 years and take it religiously.. but all this purging I hope hasn't affected it. Blergh. Maybe I will just get a test tomorrow to ease my mind.

Sorry for the weekend rambles. It seems I always feel so shit after the weekend when instead I should be feeling refreshed!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and were able to be strong unlike myself..

Also I caved and weighed - hated what I saw so ate some more... I gained 1kilo.. no suprise there.. I am not going to weight again until tuesday or wednesday and not eat a single sugar filled chocolate or biscuit in the mean time!

xo - Pix.

"New Leaf" so far

Day two of not restricting (as much)

Day one Thursday consisted of
Cereal and Coffee - 230 cals
Risotto cake and felafel's and salad - 300 cals
Felafel's and salad - 60 cals
Mango and a piece of leftover berry pie - bad I know but did you know Mango is a negative cal food so all up 100 cals here
snack mars bar piece and vita wheat's with dip - 100 cals approx.

Total around - 790 cals

Day two Today - Friday

Cereal and coffee - 200

chai latte - 150

fruit salad - watermelon = negative cal

a few (to many) smarties and cheese and crackers - approx 150

2pc fish and salad and sweet potato = 350

Total around - 800cals

Weakness strikes back: I purged.It was gross. Food from the night before came up - salad tomato etc.. and the curdled milk in stomach that must have been from the cereal or latte - it was bad.. but it felt good.. I felt bad for eating the crackers and cheese (I gave in to temptation here to at university in the computer pools the others were eating crisps, sweets and so on.. asking why I wasn't eating.. the best thing was crackers..) I need to stop this bad habit.


I am also going to have some mango for desert and strawberries - negative cal food though.

So without "dieting" per say I am still under 1000 cals which I guess is not bad, considering its recommended for women to lose weight to have around 1500 cals a day and my BMR calculator said to burn 2300 cals per day - this incorporates daily activity including sleep (which I loveeee).

I know I should be counting my fruit in my calorie intake - but I know that digesting and eating these particular ones (checkout negative calorie foods on google or a previous post of mine) require more cals than the food itself.

Exercise for both these days - very little :P I have been just so busy with assignments and major's. I have handed one in and only have 500 more words to go on another then after that two presentations and an exam down the track. For now though I am going to leave those 500 words for Sunday and enjoy the weekend. I am going to the movies tomorrow night for S and our anniversary should be nice - as long as I don't get popcorn soda and chocolate :o.

I for the first time in as long as I can remember did not weigh in today! I was so tempted to every time I walked past the bathroom but I thought I may not like what I see and it would ruin my current good spirits - today you know what to be honest was the first day the voice inside my head did not repeat "I hate my life" over and over and over--- that's saying something. It's a big deal  especially when you hear that voice every day~ it can get annoying.

Any who I think I may go watch some t.v or read to unwind. I am reading a book atm "not without my sister" about a religious cult like family of hundreds who were into weird incest practices and three girls escaped somehow (yet to find out) and wrote a bio. I am only up to part 2 of 3 but it is pretty good. I really like that sort of thing - crime, cults etc... helter skelter is also a great read!

No more rambling.. sorry.



I hope everyone is doing well.. stay strong lovelies.. I have come across a few blogs recently where young girls are hating on themselves far to much. We may not be perfect... but really no body is (apart from Mila) :P we all have our flaws, weakeness' and mishaps (can I hear "binges" in the crowd?) but no matter how thin that model on our screen is no matter how perfect she appears she does have imperfections.



xx - Pixie.

Turning over a new leaf.

I have come to the conclusion that my unhappiness derives from constant guilt - guilt over eating that chocolate I mean two blocks over two days c'mon oh and apple pie seriously? (no wonder I am 49.4kg this morning).


So I am going to start eating again. Yep. WHAT THE HELL? SHE SHOULDN'T EAT.

I figure that I am gaining because of the following reasons


a) I get so tired from not eating during the day that I can't bring myself to think about let alone do any form of exercise
b) my body is then at night needing energy and telling me it is deprived thus the large dinners followed by sweets which is filled with bad fats, no nutritional benefits what so ever, making me feel good at the time then giving me an all time low "i want to kill myself I am so fat" affect.


I can't do it anymore. Not this way anyway. I thought I would be happy. I'm not. Instead of wasting those extra calories on sweets and crap like chocolate and apple pies - I am going to find my energy source another way. By eating regularly - but healthily!!
This way I can use those extra calories that would usually be spent on CRAP on things like fruits, oats, cereals, muesli, yogurt etc as I am sure these foods will make me :

a) feel fuller than the chocolate
b) give me the energy I need to exercise or do any daily activity
c) warrant off the concern from family and friends that I am not eating
d) benefit my overall emotional and mental well being - Key is to avoid the fact that I hate my life, and find myself wanting to kill myself each time I eat something shit.

Now I don't know if this way of living will make me gain or lose, I will let you know. But what I do know is that yes maybe I am not cut out for fasting all the time, and yes I am weak and give into temptation, and yes I am depressed and it probably is because of my "not being able to eat a darn thing" mentality - So I think a break is what I need.






I am not saying either that I can go out and eat whatever I want - I never eat takeout like McDonalds etc anyway - but if I want that piece of sushi - chances are now I am going to eat it!


I am unhealthy. I wake up with sore bones, ribs, chest, head from the lack of iron, vitamins and the loss of nutrients that I flush down the toilet each time I purge.

( pretty much I am going to eat AS MUCH fruit and salad as I want without counting every calorie in my apple )

 So here's to a new leaf.. I am going to be healthy - and I still hope to be thin along the way... I look at the women in health and fitness magazines now I am sure they may weigh a bit from muscle but their metabolism would be better than mine - and they are more toned than me anyway. I am setting the challenge of more exercise this week and I am not going to look at my scales until Tuesday next week -- 5 days. I will let you know how I go ladies.


and here's to all of you out there who can remain strong - stronger than I could ever be. I admire you really I do. I hope no one is let down.. but really I can't be faced with letting myself down every time I eat crap food so I am going to retrain my brain more or less.. trick it into thinking yep I'm full on fruit and salad and nuts I don't need that chocolate!




xo - Pixie.

for every battle lost there must be a win... eventually

It seems I can go the whole day without food until I get home and faced with dinner time, I was doing so well.
 the day consisted of 2x coffee, a fresh juice and fruit salad which I classify really in my -cal zone :P So all in all it really was only about 150 cals


Then I got home... dinner time. Mum "what can I make?".. Me: "I will get my own"... Mum: "You're tired because you re not eating as much wa wa wa lack of iron.. meat wa wa wa "


She was right I was tired, I could barely keep my eyes open so I made dinner.

Rice (god dam carbs) prawns, garlic spinach, chili and tofu and lime juice ... I had two serves :( probs about 450 cals darn rice!!

Then dad bought a block of chocolate - lets not go there he also waived an ice cream in my face "no its to cold thanks"... so I was pretty down my rents were eating desert so I got a mango - and melted some pieces of chocolate and ate them together :( Another 250 cals no doubt.

 So summary for the day


900 - pretty shitty, but whatever.
I am not shaking, my bones aren't as achy and my head can think clearer - maybe I am not cut out to be thin..

 I am feeling better though than I was this morning, I am lucky my post did not send people would be mortified I had hit rock bottom - I am faced with alot of demons at the moment. The angel and devil on my shoulder - I hate them. They are ruining me. S wanted to come over for dinner... I declined said I had to much work to do which is the truth but I was to scared we would end up eating crap... not that I avoided that tonight anyway. I really wonder what is going on with me. This used to be so darn easy, now its a battle.

BUT FOR EVERY Battle Lost THERE MUST BE A WIN EVENTUALLY - MY WIN WILL COME - ATLEAST I HOPE

I dont know. I just feel meh, Holidays are fast approaching. No more university - my one place I don't eat! I will be home and with S constantly faced with food, it will be summer soon too.. beaches, bikinis - envy glaring eyes towards every thinny I see...

I cant help but wonder will there ever be that moment - where I say yes I win... Yes.. I am thin....

Who knows,, all I know is that tomorrow is a new day, I suck at dieting but I can get back into exercise which I plan to do. I just want to be happy. I want to be beautiful.

Love you all, and thankyou for those who commented on my last post - forever grateful for your kind words. You girls are all beautiful here, please do not be harsh on yourself (I'm one to talk) but really I see such a community of kindness here - where I least expected it.. I thought I would come here create a new identity and I could be whoever/whatever I wanted.. instead I have found myself being just that "myself", I don't need to lie, I don't need to hide, I don't feel as if I owe anyone anything except for the love and kindness that they deserve.. who would have thought such beautiful people in this community - yet we can't realise it.

One day we will. One day .... I promise


XO - Pixie.

intro.

Well today I have fasted pretty much - water, chai latte and a piece of chocky - I also went to the gym for the first time in forever after classes. I was only there for 30 mins, because I had to run to the shops and to be honest since I have not been working out for weeks I felt the burn.. I hope this means results!!

So today calorie consumption would be about 200 cals. I also burned this at the gym.

I was going to continue a fast through the day but my sweet tooth sparked and I needed that energy kick :P but I still feel good... Instead of fasting tonight I will make a healthy dinner... shirataki noodles, and spicy tofu and a salad..

Shirataki noodles have no fat and no calories - I recommend highly!! look them up they are also known as "miracle noodles".. I buy them from an Asian grocer near by for $2.00 a packet. They don't have a lot of flavour - in fact they are bland and the texture at first is weird but if you add some chili or condiments they taste ayokay and they make you feel really full! Who wouldn't want that plus the benefit of a low cal meal.

I also bought some red kidney beans - my new love :)

Today was okay. Thoughts as usual sway from I hate my life, I am going to just pack up and leave, blah blah blah.... I am very unpredictable with my moods - well in my head anyway I always wear a smile - I don't want to be a bore to be around so no matter what is happening I keep it away from everyone else!


I guess that is why I am good hiding my eating habits, or lack of.

I am thinking this blog I will incorporate more info and insight into my life - I know alot of people would be bored and think who cares right? But I think it will be a good way to express myself and assist me in understanding what the hell is going on I'm my life so INTRO -

People when looking at me would think, girl studying at university, good job that pays well, loving boyfriend, a few good friends, a nice house, car, good family unit - "theres nothing to complain about"

I am faced with this all the time - I have what some people would die for, but still I face this burden of unhappiness and constantly questioning more or less my existence.
More than ever these feelings have come about this year... why I don't know I am doing well at uni, never fighting with S (apart from food), making money, seeing friends when I can but I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.. never wanting to leave the house to go to work, afraid of things that I would do everyday... then I guess that triggered my weight loss.. prescribed Zoloft I researched about it and the side effects - so many people complained about weight gain! I could not bare the thought of being not only depressed but then becoming fat-er. So i restricted myself on what I ate - One meal a day  - no meal a day.

I saw the numbers on the scale drop. I became obsessed with weighing in. I liked the comments "you have lost a bit of weight, you look thinner"... these have stopped now though - and I want them back.. I guess that is why I keep going. Someone to ask me what is wrong? even if I don't have an answer....
My psychologist thinks my self esteem issues have come about due to post-traumatic stress- which I beg to differ I even have - but she thinks it's underlying... in the unconcious.. whatever anyway when I was 15 I was at a party drunk and beat up by a bunch of random girls... I woke up in hospital dazzed and confussed highly medicated to see the doctor stand over me putting a needle and string into my face... I woke up the next morning to hear mum and dad say "shes up. should we cover the mirrors".. I walked to the bathroom to see through my swallen eyes that could barely open the stitches down my face the bruises that filled the remainder.. I was shrek. that's what I called myself. I did not leave the house for days.. weeks. months... I hated me. I thought no one would love me...

I was with a guy at the time.. drug addict "Asshole" but he was good to me ... well at the time I thought - perhaps the reason why I stayed with him until I moved interstate at the age of 18... I think sometimes I blame him for not being there when in happened - he didnt go out in public with me.. he just stayed home and smoked bongs - he developed anxiety of people so I suffered to.. no movies, no dates nothing over the 4 years we spent together - stupid me huh... but I thought no one else could like shrek... but luckily I found S the most caring and loving guy in the world who thinks the world of me!

But here I am... 1.5 years in the relationship and I can't think the world of me and I am faced with this depression and anxiety I can't explain... maybe it will all make sense maybe it never will... all I know is that the only thing I look forward to or get really happy about is seeing the numbers on the scale decrease......

That is enough rambling. I have an essay to write..

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and start to the week
- xo Pixie.

4-6-8-10!

Hello lovely people,

Well I have decided to try something new... a modification on the 2-4-6-8 diet, I came across a blog where a girl tried the 4-6-8-10 diet - I know 1000cals is a lot and I rarely go above this during the week but this I figure can be for those messy weekends where I can have a treat. To mix it up I am not going to always go in the 4-6-8-10 order.

For example it looks as if today will be my 800 cal day as I may have been naughty : p

Today so far:
Oats and berries and coffee - 145 cal
Lunch mixed bean salsa salad - rocket and spinach (10), sweet potato (70), mixed beans (250 gosh huge amount hey!), 3 sml felafel balls (50), cucumber and salsa (67) total - 447 cals

and perhaps a slice of vegie pizza left over from dinner last night - 80 cals approx (probably will go purge this after this post, but really want to avoid this to ensure it does not become a habit!

so far - 672 so I have 128 cals left over for dinner!

I weighed in after the weekend 49.4kg the most I have been for a while... one kilo gain.. not a surprise after my weekend binge..

Has anyone been on this/a similar diet? I would love to hear from you !

xo - Pixie