Tuesday

The day looks beautiful - the sun is shining and my veggie patch growing!

Yesterday I had a total intake of 1014 cals eeek alot right!
But exercise wise I went to the gym did some work on weights, cross trainer and the bike, walked to the gym and back also!

All in all my exercise total was around 1495 (according to my ap that calculated my sleeping, desk work, weight, bike and cross training, walking and general resting)

so - 481 cals

I am going to reduce my food intake a bit - the two bowls of cereal yesterday was unnecessary and Mum got me a spinach parcel for dinner and because it was store bought from the organic market I roughly guessed it would be around 300 cals - no more, maybe less... I hate not knowing how many cals in food !!!

I weighed in today - 50.2kg I am so disgusted but this WILL be down to my 48-49 range by the weekend!! I am going to the gym a lot with my sister so we keep eachother motivated. Tonight I will focus on my stomach and tomorrow its gym bike, weights, treadmil again!

Well off to university 2nd to last day for the year!! I have a speech tomorrow I hate speeches!! but think I am partly prepared!

Have a lovely day pretties xox

Monday

The day so far has been good. I am partially relaxed!
I woke up earlyish had a coffee and did my assignment and submitted just after midday.

Around 12.30 pm I was feeling a little peckish so I made lunch
Spinach and rocket (7), piece of corn (63), some green beans, low joule pickles (5), 105 cals of felafel's and raita (yogurt and cucumber sauce super low cal and no fat 10 cal) all up this with the coffee was around 200 cals

Then I had a meeting to go to for university, then I got home and was still hungry so I ate a large amount of antioxidant cereal and added some frozen berries and skim milk - 350 cals

The day so far 550 cals.
 I am going to meet a friend soon for a coffee but instead think I will get a fresh juice (which is a meal in itself) for around 165 cals...

I am also going to the gym with my sister tonight too for a session so that will be good - hopefully burn a bit!

Will let you know.

xo Pixie.

cookies, cheesecakes and chocolate oh my.

So day three and four of my "new leaf" - again weekends suck. I was going okay until..... *please feel free to hate me*

Saturday:
200 cal breakky
60 - cal lunch
then nothing until 4pm which was chocolate, nachos, biscuits and coffee, and an ice cream at the cinemas, diet coke and Kahlua and for dinner two mass pieces of cheesecake berries and a mango... Horrible so Horrible - some purging definitely did occur I think I got most of the nachos and biscuits out but still.. what the fuck,

My family thinks I am pregnant!! I don't blame them - the amount of chocolate I am eating which was so rare never on easter would I even go near the stuff.. I'm also finding myself reaching for a tub of strawberries and peanut butter and dad again says - are you sure you're not pregnant. God I sure hope not!!

I think perhaps because I no longer eat meat I am craving something to fill the void as well with all my past restriction .. it is as if I am purposely sabotaging my good intent to hate myself even more. All I know is this IS GOING TO STOP. I WILL SAY NO. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS A HEAP LATELY BUT PLEASE LET IT BE THIS TIME!

(I think this girl is stunning)

Sunday was cereal and coffee and biscuits
2pc fish and salad
more chocolate and biscuits - purged
veggie Pattie, salad, mashed potato, chickpea salad and bread ! I never would eat bread with my dinner (nor would I stack my plate with carbs like mash) - I am very concerned. I have no idea what I am doing or why this is happening oh also my sis bought me an ice-cream which I ate.

I am feeling like absolute shit. I can't go on like this every weekend at S's... I am almost going to have to stop going there... we always say "fat weekends " then both eat healthy-ish during the week - but he doesn't know about my during the week chocolate binges. I wish I could take it all back... and remove it.. I am going to take some Lax's tomorrow but first I am going to finish my assignment thats due tomorrow night, go to the gym for a workout and a meeting at university then see how I go.

(and this is what I shall sure try and do)

My gosh. pregnant... could it be possible? I am on the pill - have been for 5 years and take it religiously.. but all this purging I hope hasn't affected it. Blergh. Maybe I will just get a test tomorrow to ease my mind.

Sorry for the weekend rambles. It seems I always feel so shit after the weekend when instead I should be feeling refreshed!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and were able to be strong unlike myself..

Also I caved and weighed - hated what I saw so ate some more... I gained 1kilo.. no suprise there.. I am not going to weight again until tuesday or wednesday and not eat a single sugar filled chocolate or biscuit in the mean time!

xo - Pix.

"New Leaf" so far

Day two of not restricting (as much)

Day one Thursday consisted of
Cereal and Coffee - 230 cals
Risotto cake and felafel's and salad - 300 cals
Felafel's and salad - 60 cals
Mango and a piece of leftover berry pie - bad I know but did you know Mango is a negative cal food so all up 100 cals here
snack mars bar piece and vita wheat's with dip - 100 cals approx.

Total around - 790 cals

Day two Today - Friday

Cereal and coffee - 200

chai latte - 150

fruit salad - watermelon = negative cal

a few (to many) smarties and cheese and crackers - approx 150

2pc fish and salad and sweet potato = 350

Total around - 800cals

Weakness strikes back: I purged.It was gross. Food from the night before came up - salad tomato etc.. and the curdled milk in stomach that must have been from the cereal or latte - it was bad.. but it felt good.. I felt bad for eating the crackers and cheese (I gave in to temptation here to at university in the computer pools the others were eating crisps, sweets and so on.. asking why I wasn't eating.. the best thing was crackers..) I need to stop this bad habit.


I am also going to have some mango for desert and strawberries - negative cal food though.

So without "dieting" per say I am still under 1000 cals which I guess is not bad, considering its recommended for women to lose weight to have around 1500 cals a day and my BMR calculator said to burn 2300 cals per day - this incorporates daily activity including sleep (which I loveeee).

I know I should be counting my fruit in my calorie intake - but I know that digesting and eating these particular ones (checkout negative calorie foods on google or a previous post of mine) require more cals than the food itself.

Exercise for both these days - very little :P I have been just so busy with assignments and major's. I have handed one in and only have 500 more words to go on another then after that two presentations and an exam down the track. For now though I am going to leave those 500 words for Sunday and enjoy the weekend. I am going to the movies tomorrow night for S and our anniversary should be nice - as long as I don't get popcorn soda and chocolate :o.

I for the first time in as long as I can remember did not weigh in today! I was so tempted to every time I walked past the bathroom but I thought I may not like what I see and it would ruin my current good spirits - today you know what to be honest was the first day the voice inside my head did not repeat "I hate my life" over and over and over--- that's saying something. It's a big deal  especially when you hear that voice every day~ it can get annoying.

Any who I think I may go watch some t.v or read to unwind. I am reading a book atm "not without my sister" about a religious cult like family of hundreds who were into weird incest practices and three girls escaped somehow (yet to find out) and wrote a bio. I am only up to part 2 of 3 but it is pretty good. I really like that sort of thing - crime, cults etc... helter skelter is also a great read!

No more rambling.. sorry.



I hope everyone is doing well.. stay strong lovelies.. I have come across a few blogs recently where young girls are hating on themselves far to much. We may not be perfect... but really no body is (apart from Mila) :P we all have our flaws, weakeness' and mishaps (can I hear "binges" in the crowd?) but no matter how thin that model on our screen is no matter how perfect she appears she does have imperfections.



xx - Pixie.

Turning over a new leaf.

I have come to the conclusion that my unhappiness derives from constant guilt - guilt over eating that chocolate I mean two blocks over two days c'mon oh and apple pie seriously? (no wonder I am 49.4kg this morning).


So I am going to start eating again. Yep. WHAT THE HELL? SHE SHOULDN'T EAT.

I figure that I am gaining because of the following reasons


a) I get so tired from not eating during the day that I can't bring myself to think about let alone do any form of exercise
b) my body is then at night needing energy and telling me it is deprived thus the large dinners followed by sweets which is filled with bad fats, no nutritional benefits what so ever, making me feel good at the time then giving me an all time low "i want to kill myself I am so fat" affect.


I can't do it anymore. Not this way anyway. I thought I would be happy. I'm not. Instead of wasting those extra calories on sweets and crap like chocolate and apple pies - I am going to find my energy source another way. By eating regularly - but healthily!!
This way I can use those extra calories that would usually be spent on CRAP on things like fruits, oats, cereals, muesli, yogurt etc as I am sure these foods will make me :

a) feel fuller than the chocolate
b) give me the energy I need to exercise or do any daily activity
c) warrant off the concern from family and friends that I am not eating
d) benefit my overall emotional and mental well being - Key is to avoid the fact that I hate my life, and find myself wanting to kill myself each time I eat something shit.

Now I don't know if this way of living will make me gain or lose, I will let you know. But what I do know is that yes maybe I am not cut out for fasting all the time, and yes I am weak and give into temptation, and yes I am depressed and it probably is because of my "not being able to eat a darn thing" mentality - So I think a break is what I need.






I am not saying either that I can go out and eat whatever I want - I never eat takeout like McDonalds etc anyway - but if I want that piece of sushi - chances are now I am going to eat it!


I am unhealthy. I wake up with sore bones, ribs, chest, head from the lack of iron, vitamins and the loss of nutrients that I flush down the toilet each time I purge.

( pretty much I am going to eat AS MUCH fruit and salad as I want without counting every calorie in my apple )

 So here's to a new leaf.. I am going to be healthy - and I still hope to be thin along the way... I look at the women in health and fitness magazines now I am sure they may weigh a bit from muscle but their metabolism would be better than mine - and they are more toned than me anyway. I am setting the challenge of more exercise this week and I am not going to look at my scales until Tuesday next week -- 5 days. I will let you know how I go ladies.


and here's to all of you out there who can remain strong - stronger than I could ever be. I admire you really I do. I hope no one is let down.. but really I can't be faced with letting myself down every time I eat crap food so I am going to retrain my brain more or less.. trick it into thinking yep I'm full on fruit and salad and nuts I don't need that chocolate!




xo - Pixie.

for every battle lost there must be a win... eventually

It seems I can go the whole day without food until I get home and faced with dinner time, I was doing so well.
 the day consisted of 2x coffee, a fresh juice and fruit salad which I classify really in my -cal zone :P So all in all it really was only about 150 cals


Then I got home... dinner time. Mum "what can I make?".. Me: "I will get my own"... Mum: "You're tired because you re not eating as much wa wa wa lack of iron.. meat wa wa wa "


She was right I was tired, I could barely keep my eyes open so I made dinner.

Rice (god dam carbs) prawns, garlic spinach, chili and tofu and lime juice ... I had two serves :( probs about 450 cals darn rice!!

Then dad bought a block of chocolate - lets not go there he also waived an ice cream in my face "no its to cold thanks"... so I was pretty down my rents were eating desert so I got a mango - and melted some pieces of chocolate and ate them together :( Another 250 cals no doubt.

 So summary for the day


900 - pretty shitty, but whatever.
I am not shaking, my bones aren't as achy and my head can think clearer - maybe I am not cut out to be thin..

 I am feeling better though than I was this morning, I am lucky my post did not send people would be mortified I had hit rock bottom - I am faced with alot of demons at the moment. The angel and devil on my shoulder - I hate them. They are ruining me. S wanted to come over for dinner... I declined said I had to much work to do which is the truth but I was to scared we would end up eating crap... not that I avoided that tonight anyway. I really wonder what is going on with me. This used to be so darn easy, now its a battle.

BUT FOR EVERY Battle Lost THERE MUST BE A WIN EVENTUALLY - MY WIN WILL COME - ATLEAST I HOPE

I dont know. I just feel meh, Holidays are fast approaching. No more university - my one place I don't eat! I will be home and with S constantly faced with food, it will be summer soon too.. beaches, bikinis - envy glaring eyes towards every thinny I see...

I cant help but wonder will there ever be that moment - where I say yes I win... Yes.. I am thin....

Who knows,, all I know is that tomorrow is a new day, I suck at dieting but I can get back into exercise which I plan to do. I just want to be happy. I want to be beautiful.

Love you all, and thankyou for those who commented on my last post - forever grateful for your kind words. You girls are all beautiful here, please do not be harsh on yourself (I'm one to talk) but really I see such a community of kindness here - where I least expected it.. I thought I would come here create a new identity and I could be whoever/whatever I wanted.. instead I have found myself being just that "myself", I don't need to lie, I don't need to hide, I don't feel as if I owe anyone anything except for the love and kindness that they deserve.. who would have thought such beautiful people in this community - yet we can't realise it.

One day we will. One day .... I promise


XO - Pixie.

intro.

Well today I have fasted pretty much - water, chai latte and a piece of chocky - I also went to the gym for the first time in forever after classes. I was only there for 30 mins, because I had to run to the shops and to be honest since I have not been working out for weeks I felt the burn.. I hope this means results!!

So today calorie consumption would be about 200 cals. I also burned this at the gym.

I was going to continue a fast through the day but my sweet tooth sparked and I needed that energy kick :P but I still feel good... Instead of fasting tonight I will make a healthy dinner... shirataki noodles, and spicy tofu and a salad..

Shirataki noodles have no fat and no calories - I recommend highly!! look them up they are also known as "miracle noodles".. I buy them from an Asian grocer near by for $2.00 a packet. They don't have a lot of flavour - in fact they are bland and the texture at first is weird but if you add some chili or condiments they taste ayokay and they make you feel really full! Who wouldn't want that plus the benefit of a low cal meal.

I also bought some red kidney beans - my new love :)

Today was okay. Thoughts as usual sway from I hate my life, I am going to just pack up and leave, blah blah blah.... I am very unpredictable with my moods - well in my head anyway I always wear a smile - I don't want to be a bore to be around so no matter what is happening I keep it away from everyone else!


I guess that is why I am good hiding my eating habits, or lack of.

I am thinking this blog I will incorporate more info and insight into my life - I know alot of people would be bored and think who cares right? But I think it will be a good way to express myself and assist me in understanding what the hell is going on I'm my life so INTRO -

People when looking at me would think, girl studying at university, good job that pays well, loving boyfriend, a few good friends, a nice house, car, good family unit - "theres nothing to complain about"

I am faced with this all the time - I have what some people would die for, but still I face this burden of unhappiness and constantly questioning more or less my existence.
More than ever these feelings have come about this year... why I don't know I am doing well at uni, never fighting with S (apart from food), making money, seeing friends when I can but I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.. never wanting to leave the house to go to work, afraid of things that I would do everyday... then I guess that triggered my weight loss.. prescribed Zoloft I researched about it and the side effects - so many people complained about weight gain! I could not bare the thought of being not only depressed but then becoming fat-er. So i restricted myself on what I ate - One meal a day  - no meal a day.

I saw the numbers on the scale drop. I became obsessed with weighing in. I liked the comments "you have lost a bit of weight, you look thinner"... these have stopped now though - and I want them back.. I guess that is why I keep going. Someone to ask me what is wrong? even if I don't have an answer....
My psychologist thinks my self esteem issues have come about due to post-traumatic stress- which I beg to differ I even have - but she thinks it's underlying... in the unconcious.. whatever anyway when I was 15 I was at a party drunk and beat up by a bunch of random girls... I woke up in hospital dazzed and confussed highly medicated to see the doctor stand over me putting a needle and string into my face... I woke up the next morning to hear mum and dad say "shes up. should we cover the mirrors".. I walked to the bathroom to see through my swallen eyes that could barely open the stitches down my face the bruises that filled the remainder.. I was shrek. that's what I called myself. I did not leave the house for days.. weeks. months... I hated me. I thought no one would love me...

I was with a guy at the time.. drug addict "Asshole" but he was good to me ... well at the time I thought - perhaps the reason why I stayed with him until I moved interstate at the age of 18... I think sometimes I blame him for not being there when in happened - he didnt go out in public with me.. he just stayed home and smoked bongs - he developed anxiety of people so I suffered to.. no movies, no dates nothing over the 4 years we spent together - stupid me huh... but I thought no one else could like shrek... but luckily I found S the most caring and loving guy in the world who thinks the world of me!

But here I am... 1.5 years in the relationship and I can't think the world of me and I am faced with this depression and anxiety I can't explain... maybe it will all make sense maybe it never will... all I know is that the only thing I look forward to or get really happy about is seeing the numbers on the scale decrease......

That is enough rambling. I have an essay to write..

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and start to the week
- xo Pixie.

4-6-8-10!

Hello lovely people,

Well I have decided to try something new... a modification on the 2-4-6-8 diet, I came across a blog where a girl tried the 4-6-8-10 diet - I know 1000cals is a lot and I rarely go above this during the week but this I figure can be for those messy weekends where I can have a treat. To mix it up I am not going to always go in the 4-6-8-10 order.

For example it looks as if today will be my 800 cal day as I may have been naughty : p

Today so far:
Oats and berries and coffee - 145 cal
Lunch mixed bean salsa salad - rocket and spinach (10), sweet potato (70), mixed beans (250 gosh huge amount hey!), 3 sml felafel balls (50), cucumber and salsa (67) total - 447 cals

and perhaps a slice of vegie pizza left over from dinner last night - 80 cals approx (probably will go purge this after this post, but really want to avoid this to ensure it does not become a habit!

so far - 672 so I have 128 cals left over for dinner!

I weighed in after the weekend 49.4kg the most I have been for a while... one kilo gain.. not a surprise after my weekend binge..

Has anyone been on this/a similar diet? I would love to hear from you !

xo - Pixie

Just...

Instead of remaining to be most disappointed in myself over the weekends shenanigans (I have spent the whole day feeling this, between each chocolate cookie). I have come to the realisation as I watched the chocolate, the doughnuts the pizza (oh yeah had some for dinner homemade and veggie) splatter into the toilet bowl so effortlessly as I purged (I am now able to do this with ease- and ever so quietly!) I realised I actually don't really enjoy these foods that much I never did before! but since I was in the restriction mind frame like I have said once before in these situations the rebel comes out in me and I "want what I can't have" it is all psychological.. not even a want nor a need.

So to remove the feeling of constant starvation and the "I can't eat a thing" mindset I am in the process of developing a food plan that will allow me to eat! Yup, eat.. something I dread but love at the same time. I will allow myself low cal meals, packed with negative - low cal ingredients.

I know I will still get questioned, you always do! You are never seen as the good citizen eating and "maintaining a healthy lifestyle"... despite the fact that it's sprawled all over the t.v isn't it  >  eat salad, chose healthy meal replacements blah blah blah the list goes on...YEAH RIGHT!

You know though what I find funny.. you get punished like all hell for eating a diet of McDonalds, but yet I have found when I eat salads people look at me even more so like I am crazy and they whinge "why are you eating that, are you ano? ... rabbit food.. .you don't make friends with salad... you live longer by eating meat... god made you with teeth to chew meat... snob"

Insult after insult.. You can't win can you.. dammed if you do dammed if you don't.

Any who that was completely off track of me wasn't it :/

I will perfect the food plan and post it when I have! In the mean time meals will consist of some of the following negative calorie foods (foods that require you to burn more calories whilst eating and digesting these foods compared to the calories contained in the foods itself)


Negative Cal Vegetables:

Asparagus

Beet Root

Broccoli

Cabbage (green)

Carrot

Cauliflower

Celery

Chile peppers (hot)

Cucumber

Dandelion

Endive

Garden cress

Garlic

Green beans

Lettuce

Onion

Radishes

Spinach

Turnip

Zucchini

Fruits:

Apple

Blueberries

Cantaloupe

Cranberries

Grapefruit

Honeydew

Limes

Lemon

Mango

Orange

Papaya

Peach

Pineapple

Raspberries

Strawberries

Tangerines

Tomato

Watermelon

It is important to note that adding sauces, seasonings, dressings yogurt etc will add calories!

I am excited! I am going to allow myself to enjoy food again with intent to prevent myself from the ol' binge and purge. 

Evening ladies

xo - Pixie

shattered

Well ladies you guessed it this weekend was an epic failure, I experienced my first massive real binge. A binge for me is usually reaching 900 cals.
This was... I don't even know how many - to many is all I know!

Saturday2 pce raisin toast and margarine (300)
2 coffees (10)
carrot and hummus (30)
that was okay but after work boy oh boy!!
S and I went shopping, we bought rice, tofu, veggie patties and 2 blocks of chocolate!Lets just say between us we ate both blocks over the weekend!
Dinner was rice - huge amount with roast eggplant, mushroom stir fry and tofu - the roast eggplant was not as good as when we got it last week!

oh and before dinner 3 beers and some nachos!! because my sister came over and brought them *I know vomit here*

After dinner was okay I purged the whole lot up, pretending to have a long shower.. so i got that out. But then it was cheesecake! two big pieces! (leave now this is only Saturday girls)Fair to say I was feeling gross. Reading this makes me feel gross.


Sunday - today
Morning coffee - cookies LOTS of choc Chip cookies sooo here alone was about 550 cals
THEN it was salad and pasta another 500 cals
then I got home and it was a small choc doughnut!!! about 200 cals. I feel like absolute shit! I have NEVER eaten so much in as long as I can even comprehend!!


I could mope about it more but I feel that this will mark a change - I have it out of my system (I hope) and I am more motivated than ever to go back to the gym!!
Must go my sisters picking me up to get a juice.... I have to walk past the box of doughnuts to leave the house

All in all I am feeling shattered and disappointed...
I hope everyone else however had a lovely weekend- keep strong - sometimes when we fall down we just jump right back up fighting harder and stronger.... at least that's the plan
xo - Pixie
I am going to make a food and exercise plan and stick to it as much as poss. Has anyone got any diet tips to recommend or exercised to increase that thigh gap!

I will look like this - - time frame  = 2 weeks.

Quick post.maintained weight today again 48.4~ im not dropping because i think my metabolism is screwed so i have eaten already two pieces of raisin toast (300 cal) a carrot and hommus (30) 2 coffees (20) & some chocolate... I haven't ate this much in ages and i've still got dinner... Indian ~ rice and some spicy tofu and nann... Its going to be fat saturday but i guess my low calorie days should be followed by a higher one to kick start the metabolism who knows. ..another thing im Worried about other than my weight..a lump in my breast.. Painful im scared i don't want it to be serious... I will get that checked :|

Love and happy weekend to all
Xo pixie.

dun. dun. dun.

I made it back home from dinner. I purged it all up. Risotto has to be the easiest thing to purge - I was so hungry I barely chewed - it came out in perfect abborio rice pieces - the olives and artichokes still in tact. So I am more than confident I did not have more than 500 cals worth of dinner and my other snacks so total for the day - 670 cals minus my purged dinner - who the hell knows how many calories came out haha
but it was alot of mess!! but gosh despite the shaking I feel amazing. Time for bed.

Work all day tomorrow - just coffee hummus and carrots if I must then its off to s's again... always something I fear, but at least now I know the fridge is stacked with tomato, cucumber and lettuce and I can make a yummy salad , also I left my sugarines there and some oats :D

- Feeling good ladies, must be the new hair.

Love and happiness for all!

- xo Pixie

Something in the way...

Nirvana moments..

Today was good to start. Yesterday was not. I ate - alot...

Thursday:

Morning - coffee (10)
Lunch - Three cold rolls (200)
Snack - 5 strawberries melted chocolate (200)
Dinner - Salad, few bites fish.. (150)
Dessert - milkybary chocolate - the whole block!! (god knows)

Total - 560 + chocolate - probably around 800 + waa

Today so far

Coffee (10)
half tin spags - (65)
vita weats and low cal tzatziki - (95)

and I am about to meet the girls for dinner - veg rissotto no doubt, or a bowl of vegetables and a diet coke that is all I will allow - so around 500 cals...

We shall see. I will let you know.

Plus side got my hair done today. Love it - I wanted to mark a new me! I always do this they do say hair is the one thing a girl can control in their life ha!

 I was asked to be a model next year for Loreal comps.. they must have like me the first time. The hairdresser said I was one of the best models.. I guess that was comforting - then I though shit.. I have less than three months to get thin!!

I guess though it will be motivation right?

I am so tied down with study at the moment - 3 weeks left then exam break and then holidays. I tend to eat when I am stressed - new found coffee addiction to replace old bad habbits ;) I applied for a University interstate to go to in 2013 I hope I get it!

New surroundings will be nice.

I hope everyone feels beautiful!

- xo Pixie.

caved

Feel like shit i thought Fuck it just ate five strawberries with cooking chocolate and half a mango, three vego cold rolls, two coffees and a diet coke... Gosh. I suck. And too top it off im staying at s' still. He wants to cook Indian. I'm fucking sick.

I'd say im already at 520 cals. God dam.

Pissed

Mother Trucker!

I am only 48kg today! how? usually I lose about 300gr a day doing what I was, my metabolism must be fucked. I thought I would be back to around the 47.8 mark!!

I am pissed off, why bother? Going to S's apt tonight, he was talking about cooking dinner a feast. I don't want dinner!
I am so weak and constantly tired. But I want to be thin. I want ... you know what I don't know what I fucking want.

End Rant

- xo Pixie.

graine-mi.

Currently faced with a massive headache at the mo. Was shaking like crazy and dizzy as all hell today.

Food:

2 coffees (20cal)

porridge and berries (140 cal)

bowl of pasta with plain tomato pasta sauce and some basil (400 cals max)

diet coke and h20 (cals)

Total - 560 cals...

I really did not want that much pasta but I was shaking like a leaf which my little cousin pointed out and felt like I was going to collapse so munched away - gut ache now.

I almost gave up.. sometimes I just dont know why I am doing this! I sometimes look in the mirror and I know people would kill to have my figure. . but I am dying to strive for perfection.. but what is perfection? how will I know when I have reached it? and what do I do once I have? go back to eating "normal" because hell that surely wont keep the figure on the scale idle... I read Portia De Rossi's autobiography and re-read something she said along the lines of how now she eats what she wants when she wants and because she knows she can have it she doesnt want it as much... she knows she can eat the chocolate and a bag of chips one after the other, and just knowing that she tends not to binge....

This has struck me - after all we always want what we can't have.

Like me and sweets I used to hate them.. now it's a struggle to decline! it is asif my body and mind are in a constant battle and I don't know who is going to win. Sounds like I don't know what side im rooting for either doesn't it? I just feel blergh today - but I will keep strong I cant give up now.. I just need to re-train my thoughts - develop a better relationship with food somehow!

and what better way to get my mind back on track than some thinspo.. ^^^

Sorry for the rant. Night Ladies

xo - Pixie. 

Study break

Hello Darlings,

Well another lovely sunny day and I am stuck at home - stupid car broke down, making me miss classes and unable to do a million other things I had planned. Instead I guess I am home forced to do some study - blergh so much to do in the next couple of weeks but after it all I have a few months off (if I go back to university) otherwise I may be deferring and working full time.. any who the good stuff

So yesterday I said I was going to have around 710 cals well that changed .. in a good way

Instead of vegie patty and salad for dinner I had a few bites of salad and then a yoghurt with berries

So dinner was only approx 110 cals = total of 520 for the day. I weighed in at 48.1 kg (106.04 lbs) this morning not bad , not great.

Today so far just a coffee and some water... going to have another cuppa now! I am getting hungry but I am really wanting to shake of another kg and I am having family over for dinner so... I will keep the cals for then I want to aim for 500 max today..

I love you all!!

- Pixie xo

Hello Darlings!

What a beautiful day it was today (despite being stuck at uni for the most part) but the sun was shining and it felt like summer. I did worry that my day was going to be utterly shit after looking through my wardrobe (again faced with the if only I could cry I would moment) and not being happy with the clothes I saw or how they looked on me. So I settled for a black maxi.. and my coloured beaded bracelets which is my signature thing..

I didn't fast I think I could have if I wanted to badly enough but still I have those annoying friends saying "cmon lets grab a bite"... and I say no no I will wait then they say "I will wait to" and I feel bad so I eat... I had a salad with mixed beans, beetroot (although there was only one piece lucky coz I'm not a massive fan), chickpeas and greens... It was really good.. normally I don't do salad dressing but this one was bought made and already dressed in some vinegar thing.. not alot which was nice! So here's the day so far..


Morning - Nada
Lunch - Salad (because I did not make it I will go with 300 cals, again I am being generous but because I did not know how it was prepped I always over estimate)
Diet coke (0cal)
Snack - Okay bad of me but I had approx five red frog lollies... probs add another 100 cals here I really have no clue but I can't imagine it being more they were small?
Currently downing a home brew coffee (10 cals)

I am yet to eat dinner but I plan on having salad - no dressing just greens and a vegie pattie so all in about 300 cals here too!!!

So if that sticks all in all today should be around the 710 mark. Not great seeing as though I was planning a fast but still it is better than that horrid "weekend blunder"

I love defined collar bones

and

the same with legs- petite please!

What parts do you admire?

- xo pixie.

Weekend Blunders..

 For the love of Mila.....

Well yep. I tried to avoid coming on here because what I have to share is not good news. I feel pretty down on myself and think I want to cry.. I'm not sure but I know if I did the thing is with these new anti-depressants I have not been able to physically cry in months weird!!

Went to S's new apartment, binged like a fatbitch. S complained I wasn't eating and wanted me to promise I wouldn't become one of "those girls" that we used to pity who couldn't go out and enjoy a full meal... How the tables have turned now I pity those who can eat in gluttony.. filling their faces.

Saturday-I went to work I had a diet coke and a salad - 120 cals or something I cant remember (my memory is going to shit ) then where to start hmmm well we went to Mongolian had such a fatty meal felt like shit but ate a shitload of chocolate still!!.. weakness strikes back.

Sunday - Oats and coffee (140 cal)
Chocolate
Pasta pasta pasta (500 cals worth at least!)
Crisps (a lot)
diet soda and Kahlua

Monday - Coffee and cookies
Sushi and a tad cheesecake (bites of s's) - purged it all though
Salad and Veg Patty
Custard/apple bread twist thingy - about quarter of the darn thing - purged a little but I found I didn't want to make to much noise this house echos and I am a shit purger ha!

So I feel like a fat lard.... I have gained to say the least!!!

Grabbed some lax's though might give them a go sometime soon...
I am seriously considering going to the gym again tomorrow before classes but I am so scared about gaining muscle :/ what do you guys think?

I feel pretty shit at the moment.. I was happier eating food when I wasn't one of "those" girls but now I am angry and sad when I do.

Really needed some inspiration - and who better than Mila!


Tomorrow it's fast time !!



- xo pretty things .. pix.