Saturday:
200 cal breakky
60 - cal lunch
then nothing until 4pm which was chocolate, nachos, biscuits and coffee, and an ice cream at the cinemas, diet coke and Kahlua and for dinner two mass pieces of cheesecake berries and a mango... Horrible so Horrible - some purging definitely did occur I think I got most of the nachos and biscuits out but still.. what the fuck,
My family thinks I am pregnant!! I don't blame them - the amount of chocolate I am eating which was so rare never on easter would I even go near the stuff.. I'm also finding myself reaching for a tub of strawberries and peanut butter and dad again says - are you sure you're not pregnant. God I sure hope not!!
I think perhaps because I no longer eat meat I am craving something to fill the void as well with all my past restriction .. it is as if I am purposely sabotaging my good intent to hate myself even more. All I know is this IS GOING TO STOP. I WILL SAY NO. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THIS A HEAP LATELY BUT PLEASE LET IT BE THIS TIME!
(I think this girl is stunning)
2pc fish and salad
more chocolate and biscuits - purged
veggie Pattie, salad, mashed potato, chickpea salad and bread ! I never would eat bread with my dinner (nor would I stack my plate with carbs like mash) - I am very concerned. I have no idea what I am doing or why this is happening oh also my sis bought me an ice-cream which I ate.
I am feeling like absolute shit. I can't go on like this every weekend at S's... I am almost going to have to stop going there... we always say "fat weekends " then both eat healthy-ish during the week - but he doesn't know about my during the week chocolate binges. I wish I could take it all back... and remove it.. I am going to take some Lax's tomorrow but first I am going to finish my assignment thats due tomorrow night, go to the gym for a workout and a meeting at university then see how I go.
(and this is what I shall sure try and do)
My gosh. pregnant... could it be possible? I am on the pill - have been for 5 years and take it religiously.. but all this purging I hope hasn't affected it. Blergh. Maybe I will just get a test tomorrow to ease my mind.
Sorry for the weekend rambles. It seems I always feel so shit after the weekend when instead I should be feeling refreshed!
I hope everyone had a great weekend and were able to be strong unlike myself..
Also I caved and weighed - hated what I saw so ate some more... I gained 1kilo.. no suprise there.. I am not going to weight again until tuesday or wednesday and not eat a single sugar filled chocolate or biscuit in the mean time!
don't worry you will get back into the swing of things! <3
ReplyDeletewe cannot hate you, you little adorable pixie!
ReplyDeletegah. the devil's foods. awe, darling. don't be too hard on yourself though. that intake was your intake for a reason!
gahhh. peanut butter. the devil. i called her Penelope.
ice cream. and i try not to eat mashed potatoes anymore or bread either. a little portion of mashed is so much! :c
pregnant? i hope not.
^__^ good luck, baby! i can join you on this one then. i would like to take my hand out of the chocolate box (cookie jar? haven't had a cookie in more than a year.)
-Sam Lupin
Aw thank's guys -just got back from a good gym sesh and feeling on top of things. Sam I admire your strenghth to avoid cookies :P and the like stay beautiful and strong lovelies thanks for your support I truly cherish it and value it so much! I feel so welcomed here - like there is people who understand what I am going through,, so rare
ReplyDeletex pixie