Thursday

(legs I want)

I had the best sleep last night. I wasn't hungry. I ate dinner.
Something healthy too a wrap with spinach, 4 prawns, tomato and sweet potato (my new craze) and it was delish and filling, whilst probably around the 300cal mark. I was okay with this... what else did I have?

Oh two Chai lattes - also obsessed.
A salad for lunch - fresh garden/pumpkin and spinach mix.
A milkybar chocolate bar - 6 pieces of white chocolate!
Not happy. But whilst I was food shopping looking around the isles I felt trapped I almost wanted to collapse on the floor from dizziness but mainly the fact that I couldn't have what everyone else could. I was stupid for walking down the sweets and crisps isle, there was something else I got there - diet coke I think. I was going crazy watching people grab packets of chips and chocolate. This would have been something I would have earlier this year without hesitation. But now it's me with my phones calculator in the store staring at the packets doing the math of how many cals and how many grams of fat would be in each item. I must have looked crazy to the person watching the surveillance videos... standing in each isle carefully selecting what I would eat... in the end I left with sun dried tomato, carrots, spinach, sweet potato, diet coke, pita, and yes that darn milky bar chocolate...

(beautiful)

All in all though I woke up this morning and weighed in. I was  again at the exact point I was a few weeks ago at my lowest I have been in as long as I can remember. 48.4 kg which is around 106.7 lbs? (blame google conversion if this is wrong). I'm 173 cm with a BMI of 16.2. The most I have ever weighed is max 54.5kg. I have always been referred to as skinny but to me this is still this not enough. I still struggle with those darn thighs! My biggest problem area.. I need to lose about 3cm off them- anyone with any tips please share!!!

I haven't been to the gym though in months - I found that just eating less is working alot better for me... but I think it will tone my legs up a bit, but I am terrified that if I gain muscle I wont like the figures I see on the scales!

A bit about me:
I am 20 years old. Female. Studying full time at University. I have an amazing boyfriend who I have been with 1.5 years. I live at home with my mother and father. I used to eat what I wanted but now I restrict myself, became a vego and live off of around 800 cals a day some times more sometimes less...
I have recently been through a binge stage of ice-creams, sweets, apple pies for a week I think it is my body craving the energy but now I have found better ways to overcome my new found sweets addiction - fruit - berries plenty of berries I buy them frozen they are cheaper.

Do I have an ED? I don't think so... I know I am crazy yes, my psychologist could tell you that. But I don't think I have an ED. I think I am just choosing a lifestyle that makes me feel as if I am in control.

My goals - thin legs... 47kg I think would make me happy. Then its just a matter of maintaining my weight which I am shit scared about but we shall face that hurdle when we get to it..

(my number one idol- my only idol even - I usually don't get caught up in the celeb world but Mila is amaze!)
Feel free to comment, follow or message me. I am a friendly person and would love to listen to what you guys have to say, This is a supportive atmosphere - the world is already full of enough hate and quite frankly life is too short to be angry or mean!

xo Pixie.