Let it be.

I just ate the best bowl of oats with berries :) not feeling as guilty as I would with the raisin toast smothered in butter and I think I have my "sweet" fix for the day and wont be tempted by other sweets. It's weird you know I hated chocolate, and pastries. I never wanted them.. but the thought of not being able to have them I guess brought the rebel out in me... After weeks of restring myself to chai, diet coke and soups and maybe a bite of my dinner I lost 5 or so kilos... no exercise... just a new dose of anti-depressant to motivate me (after reading forums about how many people gained weight from it), I then found myself faced by an awful encounter....

I had to go out for dinner with family... I love pasta - carbs biggest weakness and my bf had been harping on me for days complaining I don't eat.. so I thought "just this one time"... I ate the pasta.the whole bowl! luckily it was poorly made and tasted pretty bad so I didn't want it for another week. It wasn't long though until I was faced with that phrase again "just this one time". I started doing this with everything: chocolate, apple pies, cheesecakes, jellybeans, lollies, cookies - things I never would have eaten before suddenly were the only thing on my mind.I felt horrible even though I had only gained 2kg. . back to 51. I just wanted to be skinny, knowing I could control myself - and most importantly my life.

I think that's how it also began... not being able to control much in my life, feeling as if I had lost my identity - and now I would have to make a new one, with something that I could be good at and make other people wish they could be what I could- skinny.

I have only been this way for a few months but already I find myself questioning... will I ever be able to go back? will food always be my enemy?

I met someone one night in the same situation, I don't know how it happened but she said to me "you know we are crazy... we are sick". She is totally right. I don't condone or promote EDs in fact I hate the look of totally stick thin girls.. I look at photos and they don't seem that attractive to me. But then I look at pictures of "fat" people and I want to hurl. I can't stand to watch them eat. It's more about control. That is all I want. This blog is for me to free whats on my mind and help me understand what I am going through. In no way will I ever encourage "thin" or an unhealthy lifestyle to others so if that is what you are looking for then it is best you leave. If support and sharing of stories is what you are wanting then I invite you with open arms to stay. This world is tough - we have to be there for each other when it seems no one else is.

xo Pixie.