for every battle lost there must be a win... eventually

It seems I can go the whole day without food until I get home and faced with dinner time, I was doing so well.
 the day consisted of 2x coffee, a fresh juice and fruit salad which I classify really in my -cal zone :P So all in all it really was only about 150 cals


Then I got home... dinner time. Mum "what can I make?".. Me: "I will get my own"... Mum: "You're tired because you re not eating as much wa wa wa lack of iron.. meat wa wa wa "


She was right I was tired, I could barely keep my eyes open so I made dinner.

Rice (god dam carbs) prawns, garlic spinach, chili and tofu and lime juice ... I had two serves :( probs about 450 cals darn rice!!

Then dad bought a block of chocolate - lets not go there he also waived an ice cream in my face "no its to cold thanks"... so I was pretty down my rents were eating desert so I got a mango - and melted some pieces of chocolate and ate them together :( Another 250 cals no doubt.

 So summary for the day


900 - pretty shitty, but whatever.
I am not shaking, my bones aren't as achy and my head can think clearer - maybe I am not cut out to be thin..

 I am feeling better though than I was this morning, I am lucky my post did not send people would be mortified I had hit rock bottom - I am faced with alot of demons at the moment. The angel and devil on my shoulder - I hate them. They are ruining me. S wanted to come over for dinner... I declined said I had to much work to do which is the truth but I was to scared we would end up eating crap... not that I avoided that tonight anyway. I really wonder what is going on with me. This used to be so darn easy, now its a battle.

BUT FOR EVERY Battle Lost THERE MUST BE A WIN EVENTUALLY - MY WIN WILL COME - ATLEAST I HOPE

I dont know. I just feel meh, Holidays are fast approaching. No more university - my one place I don't eat! I will be home and with S constantly faced with food, it will be summer soon too.. beaches, bikinis - envy glaring eyes towards every thinny I see...

I cant help but wonder will there ever be that moment - where I say yes I win... Yes.. I am thin....

Who knows,, all I know is that tomorrow is a new day, I suck at dieting but I can get back into exercise which I plan to do. I just want to be happy. I want to be beautiful.

Love you all, and thankyou for those who commented on my last post - forever grateful for your kind words. You girls are all beautiful here, please do not be harsh on yourself (I'm one to talk) but really I see such a community of kindness here - where I least expected it.. I thought I would come here create a new identity and I could be whoever/whatever I wanted.. instead I have found myself being just that "myself", I don't need to lie, I don't need to hide, I don't feel as if I owe anyone anything except for the love and kindness that they deserve.. who would have thought such beautiful people in this community - yet we can't realise it.

One day we will. One day .... I promise


XO - Pixie.