Motivation Monday.

Hello Darlings,

I am sucking at this blogging thing lately- exams have consumed all my time. But now I am happy to report I am free! No more study for me :) ...

Today was the first day I woke up with no alarm, without having anything to do apart from be in my own company and relax!

So far I have done nada, ate some cereal watched a movie.. I am about to clean my wardrobe. This could either be exciting or scary .. scary that I don't have summer clothes or scary by the means in which the ones I do have do not fit due to being to small :/ we shall see.

I have not been "dieting", "restricting" or "purging". I pretty much have ate what I want when I wanted including pasta (gosh). But I have felt pretty okay. There have been days where I would want to cry because I felt my ass and thighs getting larger, then there would be days where the number on the scale was slightly higher but I felt I looked skinnier.. I weighed in this morning, 51.1... still going to take some time getting to my goal 49kg. But I am going to take a different approach. Instead of binging on sweets because I am so deprived of everything I will eat healthier lots more fruit and veggies, and try get out and exercise more. I am hopeful and feeling good.

I am so excited about being on holidays in two weeks S and I go interstate for a trip to meet some old friends and go shopping. I am looking forward to buy a new wardrobe - something I rarely do. I am determined to look good when I see my old friends I have not seen them in  1.5 years. . so 2 weeks I think will allow for me to get to 49kg... I have lost way more in a shorter time in the past but this involved purging and restricting, leaving me weak and hungry - which really just resulted in me putting 3kgs  back on in a short amount of time with all the sweets I was eating, making me feel lethargic and unmotivated.

If i do it healthy - I will feel healthy.

Also  I have made a list of all the things I want to do before the end of 2012! It includes things like, getting off my meds, painting, reading, being creative, seeing old friends making new ones, finding the ultimate job, being a great girlfriend, daughter and sister, exercising more, trying a new sport and overall feeling better and happy within myself. I mark this day as the beginning of a new journey for me. Making this the best summer to come!

I hope everyone is well. . I need to catchup on blogs. I would love to hear  how you have all been, let me know!! Missed you

xox Pixie.

Blah

Exam study. . It will all be over tomorrow night and I will perhaps even have a well deserved drink and then do nothing Thursday and Friday!

Intake eep.. well I got my appetite back :(
Today (Tuesday)
Cereal - 200 cals
4 gyoza things and salad - 200
apple pie piece (eeep) 150 -200
veggie Pattie that mom bought from the organic marker (it was gross ha) - 200cals

Intake = 750-800 cals feeling pretty shitty about it !

Tomorrow about 9pm I would have finished exams and be celebrating the fact that I have a year off to find me!

I have decided a list of things I want to do in this gap year

- start painting again
- save $25, 000

- be happy with no meds
- buy a new wardrobe (something I NEVER do)
- volunteer once a week
- read as many books as I can get my hands on
- gym more 4 times per week to start


that is it so far.. starting small (update list prior to NYE)

Thinspo of late:

xo  - Pix

Long time no see

It has been a while! I have been quite ill as of late - struck with a nasty bug that did the rounds in my household. I have been vomiting alot! It is horrible vomiting when you cant control it - normally I am in control of my purging pursuits. Not this time! I ended up blacking out alot too but now I am semi-on the mend no more spew guts just headaches and dizziness - all in time for exam study :P

Good thing about it all I have lost a little after gaining alot! 1.6kg away from where I want to be back at 49kg!

Intake:

Saturday
2 pc toast (200)
1/2 salad (45)
chocolate (eeek 150)
Indian (no idea but it was all purged unintentionally as with the chocolate)\

Sunday
toast and bread which mom made me eat because I was so faint and kept blacking out (400 cals)

Monday -
2pc toast again thanks mom (200 cals)
salad and 4x prawn dumplings (200 cals)

That's it so far so 1195 over three days plus a crap load of spew guts = no exercise I'm afraid
I am going to probably eat dinner tonight I will try keep it around 200-250 cals.

So i guess this sickness was a blessing in disguise a sort of body flush detox... so here's to new beginnings.

xo - Pix

Thursday

Yesterday was not soo good. I ate a fair bit- consisting of cereal and bowl of pasta and went to dinner and had barramundi w/ salad (purged) I also ate some cookies that mother decided to bake!

I am feeling weak and exhausted so I don't think I am going to work today. I booked an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to get everything checked out, perhaps up my meds and sort out the lump/chest pain.. should be fun :/

I am feeling pretty fat atm.. I seem to eat allot when I am stressed about assignments and exams... I am thinking that I am going to for the week until next Thursday - eat not a heap of shit but just eat lots of fruit and veggies and not weigh myself.. Then after my exams (wednes/thurs) I will go back into combat mode!

I can't focus on my study and mope about my weight atm... I don't have the energy.

I have been neglecting the blog scene a bit lately due to extensive study and assignments, but this time next week I will be back, more committed than ever! I am just sick of reporting my failures, so I want to be able report good news and hopefully be down to 49kg again!!

I hope you all are enjoying the week and are staying beautiful and strong.


xo - Pixie.

Outcome

So the fruit and liquid fast did not last as long as I had hoped 22 hours... not 24 darnit.. Mum made me eat dinner. A bowl of pasta so I consumed approx 450-470 cals today.

I guess this is not too bad, considering my past efforts but I am pretty dev I didn't make the 24 hours... I know if coffee didn't get cancelled altogether my mum would have been happy thinking I had ate dinner.

On a plus no chocolate or added sugars today just those in my mango :)

Intake - 450-470max
water water water
coffee
mango
pasta

Anywho short post, my fingers kill from working on the computer all day! Stupid assignments.

xo - Pix

Day 1

I am starting over!
Last night I spent the whole time wanting to vomit because I could feel all the sugar and fat float around my body pushing its way through to my ass, thighs and stomach. It was as if my body was a balloon, getting bigger and bigger I felt like I was going to pop! I have definitely got rid of sweet food craving, the thought of biscuits or chocolate makes me want to throw up!

Today I am trying a liquid and fruit/veg only day. With hopes to do a bit of a detox.

So far I have just drank water... In an hour I am going to allow myself some fruit. Then again later later in the arvo another piece of fruit or a tomato.. I was meant to go to dinner but think it's just coffee now. Which is good because the rents will think I went out to eat.

Mum made a comment yesterday to my uncle it made me angry
"oh she eats, and eats and eats.. all the time"
I thought: only in the past week or so... not always!
Whatever. I'm determined and I am not going to be as mopy as what I have been. I hate reading my discouraging self loathing posts.. I need to learn to love myself. I AM GOING TO LOVE MY THIN SELF!

Some much needed thinspo:

xo - Pixie.

Monday

The weekend is over, its the start of a new week. I don't feel that great I still have not lost near as much as planned. I stopped weighing myself over the weekend, and breifly did this morning... not good.

But on a lighter note the weekend was pretty good I danced my butt off and drank my sorrows away. Saturday was a fat day (calories no clue) as was Sunday really (again no clue) but that was what I wanted... not wanting to know how many calories consumed or burned. In a way I wanted to be bad -eat whatever the hell I wanted! and do whatever I wanted.. and while I am no where near the weight I want I am feeling positive that my weekend of "fuck it" attitude has got most of the crap food cravings out of my system... now I will give it afew days to detox them out of my body.

Intake so far:
coffee small portion cereal - 140
Squid salad - 300
bananna - 105
*few too many chocky pieces at s's* - no idea 150?!

So far intake = 695 fuck.

I am going to wein my way into my old eating habits... I barely had any.. but these binges and large meals have made my stomach crave food, I will shrink it. I will shrink my legs, gut and arms. I will be thinner and loose 2kg by the weekend!

xo Pixie - I have missed you all

break

This weekend im taking a break. Going to let my hair down and spend a night on the town dancing and laughing.. Not caring. That's the plan atleast. While i do feel a heap better today than yesterday i know something still isn't quite right. Im not quiet right.. I need to get back to my roots.. Do the things that in the past would make me remotely or seemingly happy.

I'll be back... After the weekend or so. I want to have a break from technology or atleast try.

Love you all lovelies thanks for the support.



Xo pixie

the worlds a stage...I'm just its bitch.

Phone post: Today from my last post was pretty fucked.. It got worse.

I ate and ate and ate... Worked....then ate even though i was full after the first meal. . I pushed my stomach further... I sat at the fridge eating.. lasagna ~ soda~ peanut butter sandwiches x 2 - chocolate and strawberries - 2 serves - chocolate icecream - beans and salsa. ..... Total of around 1300cals disgusting i know! !

i feel shit... But all i could think of each time i searched for more food was "Fuck it".. Ive become so warped in this depression over the past few months.Since august i think.But no one has noticed... No one has helped.... Im always the one to see how everyones day is.. The one they whinge and bitch to... Life stresses boys work uni... You name it i hear it. Which is fine i love listening... I love helping... But sometimes i yearn to be heard.. To have someone ask how am i doing..oh well.... I would probably lie and say im fine. Im not fine. I know that ~ my psych knew that.Maybe i should go back.I just don't see the purpose of life at the moment...i think i have bipolar its in my family.One day im semi happy.The next its as if the world is grabbing me and im too small to struggle free from its grip. But really i am big and fat.

Tomorrow is a new day. I always tell people that. It's about time i took my own advice.

No more scales for me. No more bingeing for me. Just finding me. The girl i know who was once healthy and happy. It isn't a fond memory but i know she once existed.


Plan~ Exercising daily.
No bingeing.
No purging.
No bullshit.
Just low calorie happy living..


Hahaha funny thing i just remembered today S told me "you're like a bulimic... Eat nothing for days then binge on crap" ~ if only he knew..

Sorry this is long.. Boring. Much like me.


Goodnight lovelies

Xo pixie.

Slipping with mixed emotions

I don't know what has sparked it. Perhaps it is because I am no happier now which I had hoped to be - in fact I think I am worse off - hungry - binging purging - feeling weak with no energy nor the motivation do much at all. I thought to myself today  - I'm not fat. WOW theres a first for everything
At 49.5kg-50kg and 173cm tall I know medically speaking I am far from fat but underweight... but still I can't help but want to get thinner (my head is twisted)


But as I strive to get thinner I am getting weaker. I miss the things I used to be able to do. Enjoy a meal out with S. Now I fear going to his house or being around him. It should not be this way! I love S + he loves me.

I am not getting what I wanted to out of this... I think the first few weeks-months I was as I dropped around 6kg in a short time then I got the comments "you lost weight" "you are too thin"... but now people are used to seeing me at my 48-49-50kg's and it is no different. It is harder to lose weight...

I just ate some lasagna, chocolate and berries and even had a non-diet soda - already I would have consumed 550+ calories and it is only half past midday... and I want more.. more food. Because I know I shouldn't. .

How the hell did all this begin?

I thought I had found myself... an identity... something I am good at.. but it is taking over me and I am failing miserably. Questioning it all... is it worth it? Followers will hate me,,,, I will probably hate me....


What will the end result be if I do get thin... or thinner - what is thinner when will it all be enough? when will I be happy.. hell I though 50kg would be my halt.. then 48.. then I wanted more and more once I got there... I got to 47.7 then I wanted to get to 46instead I crept up and up and up back to 49-50kg.. is that my stable weight?...

What happens when I stop or "recover" - do I maintain? or do I just gain?

sometimes it's just all too hard for a girl. Where does one go next? Do i take two step forwards or two steps back and which way is forward - the pursuit to thin or the path to "normal" living, which way is back - the path to fat or the path to "unhealthy" living...
I am so sorry to all of you.. and to myself. I really don't know what is going to happen... I wish I or someone could give me all the answers!


x Pix.

Even better

Today has been tedious but good - my presentation went well - at least I hope, and I got accepted in the university course I applied for interstate - so in a year off I go.
Anywho keep it short and simple. No gym as sis already went instead I rode the bike at home, did situps and scissor kicks only for 20 mins.. I plan on doing more later also.


Intake
Breakfast - coffee and piece of celery with a smidgen of peanut butter - 15 cals
Snack - watermelon and few choc teddy bickies to celebrate my acceptance into the course I wanted haha and then mum had a platter of some dip and biscuits which of course I munched on a few - 100 cals here
also a spinach chili and shirataki noodles dish - 40 cals
Dinner - that dreaded lasagna - full of vegies (carrot spinach mushroom zucchini), low fat bechamel sauce (the whole lot for the WHOLE family lasagna was worth 395 cals) and pasta was layered only on the top and on the bottom with a heap of veggies in between - I have no idea how many cals here I know it was a healthy version. I would guesstimate 600 cals (2 slices waa) which I was prepared for!

Also I lost .. at least I think my scales are playing pranks... I weighed in at 49.5kg, re-checked 49.8 re check
49.7 - I always check 3 times - OCD of me I know... so I am going with the higher number 49.8kg... not great but better than my 50kgplus!

Total - 755 cals and so far with the short amount of bike, leg and situps work I would have burnt around 100+ cals of this (not much I know). I really could have cut down on the unnecessary snacks biscuits darnit!

Agenda:
Tonight: lunges, wall sits, situps.
Tomorrow - belly fat burner dvd exercises (yet to try this out)/study/work
Remainder of week:
Start and finish last assignment by Friday which will allow me a weekend off from any study!
Monday,Tues, Wednesday start exam prep which is in about 2 weeks and after that it s freedom!!
Weekend: Relax. Drink. Relax. AVOID JUNKFOOD!


How is everyones week going? I would love to know

xo - Pix

Happy

Intake of le day:

Breakfast - coffee - 10 cals
Lunch and Dessert - Fruit salad - 113 calories although watermelon and rock melon (which I found out was also cantaloupe weird we never use that word here but it was on the negative cal list so I looked it up *after eating* and score they are both on my negative calorie food list)
evening snack- coffee - 10 cal
Dinner - veggie Pattie,felafel's and salad - 270 cals

Total 403 and if you get technical I can deduct my fruit salad melon concoction and take it down to *drum roll please*

290 cals for the day! Yay

(even if the whole negative calorie food thing is not entirely true I am still so happy that I spent those 100+ cals on healthy energising fruit)

(loving the legs)

I am happy with this. I also did some leg exercises- squats, scissor kicks, wall sit, lunges and will do some sit ups for the tummy before bed. Tomorrow I am hoping to follow the same routine during the day but I know mum has prepared a Veggie lasagna for dinner because we have family over... I know pasta- weakness and cheese gahh! so If I just have coffee, fruit salad, and lasagna and salad I hope to stick around no more than 600-700 cals for the day - plus I am going for a gym session with my sister which I hope to burn at least 300+ cals (we only get to do half hour because of the family dinner waa but during the day I will do some on my own)!!!

Things are looking up this week - I think I was in such a slump where I lacked motivation and cause - but Uni is almost over I have two assignments and an exam (with a week of nothing to prep for bonus!) and summer is fast approaching. I need to look good!

I am going to go clothes shopping too next week spend some savings on clothes I am going to fit into comfortably no squeeze necessary - oh the life of a dreamer :P

I hope everyone so far is having a great start to the week
... I am thinking of posting pics next week if I see some progress just to remind me if I put my mind to things I can get them done - but I am chicken scared!!! what if I break my computer... sighhh

xo Pix