A long way to go but...

Argh I have something to confess, and it hurts terribly to do so >.>

In my blogger absence I stacked it on... from 51 to 55 (which is a huge gain almost my highest weight ever). Ever since the boy and I moved we have been eating so much crap. Fuck you pasta, and I hate to say but I was almost eating normal... 2 meals a day... not even healthy meals. Crap. Crap. Crap food. It wasnt takeout like Maccy D's or what not but there was fish, pizza, pasta etc from eating out a lot! I also suck at my exercise routine that I started a few months back. 


So to get rid of the unwanted fat that suffocates my ass, hips, gut and thighs, EVEN FACE I am back to coffee and tea in the morning, and salads, more water and fucking off carbs. 

I am now 53kg as of this morning. I am still feeling down about my gain.. it really bloody sucks to be honest, but I am sure many can relate. 

I am planning on doing a detox in the new year, and the boy wants to too. In the mean time I am just not going to eat as much carbs, and make better choices if forced to eat in front of people.. this time of year really sucks huh. 

GOAL - 51kg and stable by Xmas. 
I will update progress.. or lack of

xo Pix 

if only....

Ha. Whilst looking at boot camp websites I used a bmi calculator. It popped up and said my bmi was 0! Ha if only, right? On that note I am thinking of either rejoining my gym...doing bootcamp, boxing classed or getting a PT. I just want to get skinny and feel energized! !! Any advice? ?? Have any of you lovelies had any success with the above? Fatter than ever. Xoxo pix.

Liebster

 The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them

Thank you the the amazing Judith Marie for nominating me for the Liebster Award - even though I have been absent for a while - it is great to feel re-connected to the blogger world.Oh boy have I missed it!

11 Random things about Pixie. 

1. I am 21
2. My star sign is Cancer and I think it suits me to a T.
3. I am not used to stability I need change, to move around alot. 
4. I miss my old friends in another state and wish I could sometimes just pick up and go back to them.
5. I have one year left of my degree.
6. I am crossing my fingers to get into honors.
7. My ex has ruined me.
8. I have few good friends. 
9. I get annoyed with girls easily... and often I avoid them text messages... block from facebook I am terrible. 
10. I love Buffy and wish I could be a vampire slayer - think How fit you would be. 
11. I often dream of Marilyn Manson in my bed. 

Questions from Judith Marie: 

1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?

Boy I think I would be a lot happier... I am really not sure. It would definately be easier to go out with friends, and spend more time with family during meal times etc. 

2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why?

Thinspiration, I feel sick looking  at FAT! I know stuck up but I am being honest. 

3. Favourite item of clothing?

If I am being casual - my black maxi dress, If I am dressing up my lbd. I really need more colour in my life!

4. What is your dream holiday?

Hmmm... anywhere that is on a secluded beach with cocktails, all my loved ones and music!

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)

My confidence I am a shy person and get extremely nervous in situations such as class presentations, job interviews etc... I think I have learnt to hide it well but.. other than thin... confidence in a person is my biggest envy!

6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?

I tend to think more than I do.... I need to just stop procrastinating, being lazy and just DO. 

7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?

In the beginning I dont think very much at all.... but then again it could have and I may not have been aware of it.... Now though I tend to source out pics of skinny celebs etc and eating habits etc. 

8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?

None. I can't due to what is called Keloid scarring, I did have my ears and lip pierced (did it myself in my emo days) but got rid of them after rapid scar growth. Yuck. 

9. How does your ED affect your relationships?

hmmm I think it hinders the quality of time I get to spend with people. . and if someone knows about my ED it makes shit awkward ha. 

10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Pasta.... I love it... but I'm allergic and it makes me fat!

11. What is top of your bucket list?

Travel for months on end. 

Bloggers I nominate: 

I have emailed these out, sorry if you have been nominated and cant be bothered replying lol.

My Questions: 

1. What made you start your blog?
2. What is your favourite book and why?
3. What is your favourite place in the world/why?
4. Who is your favourite person in your life and why?
5. Which celebrity do you hate and why?
6. What advice would you give to a 15 year old you?
7. What would be your dream job/why?
8. How many people know about your ED. What was their reaction?
9. Do you celebrate Xmas / how?
10. If you were granted 3 wishes what would they be?
11. When did your ED start/ why do you think ED is part of your life?

That is all.. 

I will post soon xoxo Pix. 

summer

Its been way too long since I have posted. I've glimpsed over posts but have been MIA. Its time to get back on the bandwagon for summer, officially starting today. I have no idea what I weigh as over been in the country for a few days to clear my head after a busy Uni semester! I think my grades are ok so I'm happy with that. But that's where the feeling of content stops. I'm probably huge. I was before I got here. So much food. The boy and I moved in together which is great but we have been eating crap for weeks! !! Its hard to eat or not like I used to when I'm always watched. I've not purged in months although I probably should have. I'm going to try new approaches when I get home in two days. Healthy eating, daily exercise and quit smoking although the latter will hinder my weightloss attempts no doubt! But only time will tell. Its time for pixie to stop talking and start doing. Wish me luck...I will try post weekly when I'm home. Now its time to get lost in a novel! Xx pix.

weekend is near

It is friday arvo - and I am ready to drink. 

This week has been okay eating wise I got back to 51.4kg but yesterday was spent with the bf so of course we ate... pasta FUCK. 

So I am sitting at 51.9 kg atm... I hope to be less tomorrow... I have not eaten today and its 3.30 soon I am meeting a friend and will sip vodka. 

I don't usually gain from alcohol if I don't follow it up with a late night snack sooo today is strictly liquids

I have had 2 coffees and I am on to a tea now. 

I need to be thin for next weeks photo shoot... 50kg at least!! 

I will update progress... if any later

until then skinny love and thinspo.. my fat arse needs it! 

xx Pix

AHA moments

M.I.A - yep me. 

Gosh since my last post I have lost gained lost gained like a yoyo. 

I am at a high weight at the moment and I am determined to lose 3kg in two weeks for a photo shoot I am doing.. the plan - clean eating lots of coffee. tea. water. 

Things have been all over the place eating wise. I have done a bit of exercise daily though which I feel good about and must keep this up. 

I have just been working and studying.
On the working note the most awkward convo was struck by my boss (B) who I haven't ever worked with but she is a family friend of mom and dad... it is along the lines of...

B: "did you want a lunch break?" 

Me: "uhm I dont know nah I'm ok for now"

B: "did you want a coffee I have some?"

ME: "nah its ok I didnt bring sugarines"

B: "smiles ..... I have some.... do you usually eat?"

ME: "like how do you mean' 

B: "breakfast?"

ME: "no"

B:"lunch?"

ME: "sometimes... when I am hungry"

B: "dinner... not really?"

"soo you're like your mom was then? (anorexic?).... I used to be like that... 28kg admitted a few times if there's one thing I could say is that it isn't a good lifestyle in fact it is shit... I see people come in here and they are big but I think they are probably happier inside and out than I will ever be... I am still not right but I try"
(I knew this as mom mentioned it about her)

---- I was stumped ---

ME: "is it that obvious?"

"B: yep you can tell you are tiny and you have patterns".

--- customers approach convo ends no more talk----

it was weird. I was not angry... I know she understood and I understood.. if anything it made me feel better as I was feeling my fattest in a long time and someone still knew... 

I don't know what to think of the convo - it was awkward but in a way comforting 


an AHA moment
 xo Pixie

over it

I am officially over it all.. at the moment at least. Perhaps I am done - fuck it I want to be normal  - the way I was before the calorie counting, before the purging, binges, restricting. Makes me happy somedatys and hating myself others.....

Happy ol Pixie. Skinny and not giving a fuck about what she ate because it didnt matter


Except now I am here- the scales show I am lower, but my moods feel the same.


While I have lost - I am now 50.7kg.Which I should be jumping for joy over but all I want to do is go back to how things were.Carefree. Not counting, weighing, measuring. 

Perhaps I am changing the game plan... perhaps I am thinking too much into recovery... perhaps most likely I am just having a bad day.. and will go back to disordered pixie tomorrow.

Perhaps I should shut the fuck up... go into Hiatus for a while. 

Eat right. Whatever "right" is... exercise more. Be confident in my own skin.... 

Perhaps it's time for this Pixie to up her meds. 

////

The weekend was not so good for me. I worked throughout it, and ate a bit, which is rare for when I am working.

Friday I ate nothing until 5pm - 3 pce of toast then we went out for buffet dinner.. gah. I did not eat a heap but did have some desserts.

Saturday nothing all day until dinner steak and bread. too much bread.

Sunday dip and biscuits, casserole and bread.. that darn bread = must stop.

On a plus I have been doing more exercise almost daily.
Weights, Stretches, sit ups etc

To redeem myself from the undesired weekend gain today is liquids then steamed veg for dinner... so far I have had water and coffee.

Tomorrow will be similar although at Uni we usually get lunch so if I do this it will be fruit salad. 

Wednesday the same

The plan is to keep up the exercise. keep busy with homework and stay well and truly clear of bread.

Other than that I have nothing much to say... boring me really 
so heres some needed inspo. 

I think that my desires of what I want my body to look like have changed. I am really appreciating "fit" - I know though that I will probably have to change my diet a lot... I will probably have to eat. But it will have to be clean eating, the right foods. The foods that will give me energy to work towards"fit".

Fruit, Veg, Protein and exercise ... lots of it!

I will do it. 

xo Pix

Lets talk goals

I have been such a slack pixie lately. However in response to Alina's comment on my last post, she asked about what my goals where - so thought I would dedicate a post to it.

So here we go

This time around... I guess I could say a relapse back into my restricting ways I have decided to be not so hard on myself with my goals... before it was 48.. which was achieved then it was lower.. which was achieved however not maintained... and when it wasnt maintained well there was gain, tears and a well pissed off Pixie.

So this time I have decided to take it slow.. I am going to lose and I am going to gain.. thats just the nature of the game for most of us unfortunately!

And in regards to gain... that I have.. and lost and gained again since my last post (50.9kg) I went up to 52.something.. down to 50.4kg then back to a current 51.4kg's. I go up and down like a yo-yo usually 1.5kg's.. so my main goal is to stay or be below 51 kg - then once I have maintained this I am up for more loss (always am) but I am not going to get to down (or try not to) if I stay at 51kg's as I know this is OKAY for me... something that I never thought possible. and something I will probably change my mind on down the track when I get attacked by the fat thoughts.

Heres a breakdown

Goal 1: Reach 51kg or below and maintain this for min. 2weeks if successful

Goal 2: Reach 50kg or below and maintain for min. 3 weeks

Goal 3: STAY BETWEEN 49-50KG FOREVER MWAHAHAH WISHFUL THINKING

Goal 4: Exercise mean and eat super clean - no bread no sweets no processed shit

I am not having strict time frames as they just get me frustrated and depressed when I do not achieve so end of year I want that bikini bod for summer about 5 months away!

In other news my eating is getting better... more clean eating = not as much processed shit

lots of veg, salad, appropriate proteins and fruit

I have done some exercise yet not as much so thats also on the agenda of goals 

Let's see how this goes. 

Thinspo please?

 Victoria secret models have become my wannabe bods

Id be happy to look like any of the above.. ha wouldnt we all?

xo Pixie.

A rainbow after the storm

Hello ladies- Firstly I must apologize about my whiny behavior in my last posts. It seems that purging worked as yesterday I was 50.9kg!Fifty something I could not believe it! I thought yes Pixie you have been granted a second chance for your evil stuffing your face ways although I undoubtedly took the second chance for granted.


Yesterday went okay. I was at University from 9.30-5.30pm and had only coffee and an apple. Dinner was Chili con-carne and some pineapple... not the greatest as dinner was pretty big.


Today I have started all my uni work. Although I have only been for three days I already have a mountain of work to do, and I want to get ahead with it so I don't get stressed and swamped at the last minute. I also have been considering doing honors for my final year. There are between 15-20 spots available and you have to have a high GPA and maintain it. While my GPA is high enough, I am not sure how many other people doing the course have the same or higher so I need to increase it! so study study study... 


If I don't do honors I will do masters which is an additional year and a half. But it seems so interesting and I, despite getting stressed often, really do love learning. 


Knowledge is so powerful. 


Today is my day off so I slept in a tiny bit. Drank coffee and hit the books. I am about three weeks ahead for one subject. Mother was home as she is fed up with work and rather upset about it. . so here's the bad thing... we went out for lunch and she made me dinner.


So today the intake was not so great
Coffee x2
Spicy noodle soup (half bowl)
2pce of bread with a small bowl of casserole (mostly purged).


I am not sure what tomorrow's weigh in will be. Likely not great but I am not too stressed. This cold thing is really taking a tole on me.. I am weak, exhausted and dizzy often. So eating a bit is probably what I require to be on the mend.



In other news the boy gets home in 4 days and I can not wait. I really do miss him. Sappy I know! It's his birthday in a few weeks so I got tickets to a band :) I know he is going to love it.



I promise I will read and comment soon.. feel free to comment too if anyone is reading start a discussion ask a question anything to break up my study routine :P 


xoxo Pixie

fat fucking failure

I was 51.6kg this morning - seems to be where I WAS staying


Stupid pixie was a fat fuck today and ate a fuck load


Coffee
Squid with chips
soup with bread x2
ice-cream


calories no idea well over 1000~


FUCKING PERIOD. I HATE YOU.


I am surely going to be over 52kgs tomorrow and I am not happy to say the least.


I don't know what I was thinking.... I hate that I really have no self control whatsoever!


I am a fake wannabe skinny at the moment. Im not even trying, I want the results yet fuck achieving them up by eating like a fat fucking wale. 
Argh - I'm going to go purge, not that that will get rid of the calories and fat I have driven into my mouth, my stomach, thighs, cheeks - tomorrow's weigh in will be a nightmare




I say this all the time.. "im going to change things... i am going to eat less... exercise more"... but I don't know if i can say this as clearly I am not listening and doing what I know I should be.


This week is a perfect week to lose weight. The boys overseas - he cant bother me about not eating/// so why don't i just do that?


Fatness and failures = a fucking disappointed self loathing pixie


x

horrible

Today I woke to 51.8kg - when yesterday I was 51.2kg's - although later today I was 51.6kg's... so I think I have some water weight plus its that time of month so bloatings a bitch - and due to that splendid time or month so is my appetite!

I went to class today although I was only there 2hours... not long enough to steer me away from boredom and the fridge (secretly it will be great when I get homework so I can stay at uni AWAY from food for hours on end) I still have this cold thing which is shitting me off too..

I should take this advice!

Anywho intake----- scary

Morning: Coffee
Lunch: Bean Wrap
Snack: Small bowl soup w/roll
Dinner: Grilled chicken, corn, a few hot chips
Dessert: A few buds of chocolate melted with strawberries...

FUCK YOU PERIOD. FUCK YOU COLD. AND FUCK YOU LACK OF SELF CONTROL.

I am feeling shit about it. Which I knew I would. It is so funny how I go get something to eat thinking "I am going to hate myself for this after" yet I still do it... its like I want to fail...well I obviously don't want to but I am clearly not trying hard enough to avoid it!

I wanted to go for a walk but my coughings so bad and the airs so cold that I will just get sicker  so sit ups it is then.

Tomorrow I have class 9-11.30am then I will probably try do some readings etc and avoid coming home to a fridge of food.

Hating myself.
Pixie xo

51.7

I am feeling pretty average today - stupid case of the cold/flu. Possibly due to the weekends antics.

I have lost not much but tis a loss. I ate a bit yesterday things did not go as planned.

Firstly I went to brunch with a friend .. "I will take the fruit salad"... "Sorry we are out"... eggs it is.

I then ate popcorn at the cinema with angel and soup and bread when I got home ... darn bread.

But I was pleased that I still lost 100grams :)

Today it has been coffee and rockmelon. I was meant to go to lunch with my brother however I havent heard from him.. a blessing in disguise?

I think I will now go to the vid store get some trashy movies and drink some soup.

No going out for this pixie this weekend just staying home and working in preparation for Mondays classes back at Uni.

xox

M.I.A

Gosh. I have really abandoned this blog haven't I?!


Well a lot has happened in the life of Pixie over the past couple of weeks.


I celebrated a birthday. Got way too drunk, among other things. Danced all night. Made people angry at me - note to self. Drinking makes me become full of regret!


I gained and I lost and now I have maintained.


Sunday I woke up to 51.1kg which was great but I have since eaten and I am at a stable 52kgs which I weighed in today after I had to regrettably eat.


My eating habits are changing - I have avoided sweets and binges!


Friday - I worked a 12 hour shift... ate small bowl of rice and chicken


Saturday - I ate leftover rice and chicken and some dip at the party (I did considerably well considering it was catered for). I drank a shit load however... yet also danced it off until 9am!


Sunday - 2 spring rolls


Monday - coffee and 4x spring rolls


Tuesday - a piece of sushi, a turkey wrap, and meat and veg for dinner


Today - coffee and then the unfortunate lunch since I was out with friends and all eyes were on the table... I forked here and there at some fish, removing all the batter and shoveling it around... I ate some chips and argh a piece of bread...
Dinner was soup and a small bowl of stir-fry which I lapsed and just finished purging.


The weekend really was fucked. I have decided due to this there will be no weekend drinking for a long time. I never learn: drinking and such fucks with my moods and anti-depressants causing me to hit all time lows. Despite this regretful weekend my appetite had ceased for a while - I am hoping more than anything it remains this way.


University goes back next week which I surprisingly am looking forward to as I know that I never eat there. Looks like disordered mind-frame pixie is returning which I am yet to decipher as being "yay" or "nay".


I am also looking forward to having a form of routine - which means that HOPEFULLY I will be doing a lot of studying and a less of partying.


I wouldnt say that for a 21 year old I party or go out that much... I just feel that lately I am probably drinking more than usual... perhaps more social events are during this time of year? But I would really like to save my $ from the new job and not waste it on alcohol and smokes (next habit to kick).


Quitting is one of my new years resolutions... I have 5.5 months of the year left to achieve this. Another one of my resolutions was to go running- proper running. This sounds stupid doesn't it? But secret to be told I have a fear of public running - in fact any running. I am scared of not only making strangers cringe but also myself. I have not ran in years.. not properly. Angel laughed when I said yesterday during our walk in the park that I had a fear of running " why would you, you look like  a pro - a proper fit girl". Although I know I don't look that ridiculous in my exercise gear I sure do feel it. Long story short - I ran - not far maybe 400m as fast as I could and I giggled like a little school girl. Angel laughed to and was proud of me. I was too - so I am aiming to start jogging in public and just at night. 


Enough rambling. I have missed this blog. I have missed you. I have missed being a thinner on the way to skinny minny pixie.. and I think maybe just maybe she is going to re-appear. We shall see... 


XO - Pixie. 



Some Nicole Richie thinspo - beautiful and stylish

Fuck. I'm the worst... Im fat. I need to be 1 dress size thinner in 6 days to fit into my ossett dress!
The game plan is no bread, biscuits, pasta or sweets and maximum exercise.

I just dont know whats wrong with me I do well and their it all away! Idiot!


I can only try again....

So I've set my alarm early to go for a walk before work. I will have a coffee and packet soup at work. Dinner vegies only.


Hope this works for me ....

51.2kg

I've reached my lowest weight in such a long time. I can see 50kg in the nar futmure :)
Yesterday I ate two rolls at work, and egg muffindrank and danced my ass of getting home at 11am this morning. Ive had three bites of diner chicken n veg. Thats it today... So going I will lose tomorrow. I'm working so probably won't eat much infact I know I wont. Also I'm not going to smoke anymore I want that to be my 21st present to myself and as reward I can save my $$ on more useful things... More books.
Im also not drinking til my bday...couple weeks I need a detox!
Anywho bed calls, sorry for a boring post I'm just hungover as feck!
Love xx

I love

The fact clothes that were tight now fit! I've lost a little. However today/tonight I was a little bad. Im around 600 cals today which isnt to bad its just seeming that way as I consumed most of this in a 4 hr period and felt like I was.constantly eating .. Because I was!

Ive had two coffees, cup soup, shirataki noodles with veg and prawns, 2 weetbox ,.cookie and a.few.mouthfuls of pasta that mum wanted me to test..... Im feeling grossly full! Ive since done.over 100 situps and some scissor kicks and weights... So hopefully no gain tomorrow!

Speaking of I'm accompanying a client to court tomorrow then meeting angel for lunch... Fuck.
Im thinking an asian broth or greens as he wants asian food from china town. Since I will ne getting the bus to court im going to be doing some walking between destinations which is good. I also might get a new.book any recommendations?

Xx pix.

I hope

I hope I lose tomorrow. Intake waTs neither good nor tragic I guess.
2 coffees, cup soup, egg, rye wrap with turkey and cheese (oops) a.cookie and veg for dinner..

I would love to have skipped the cookie and.cheese!
I slept in so no morning workout. However I.just finished doing a bunch of situps, weights, lunges, scissor kicks.. Not as much as I had hoped but ive got a horrid headache probably from that cookie! Anywho im planning over the next 20 days to do some form of workout each day even if its just a walk or situps, something must be better than nothing hmm.

Holidays are approaching so this should be made easier, and I will be hopefully working more and I hardly eat then!

This weekend I'm having drinks with milah not sure if.we. Will go out we might just stay in with some.vodka!

Will update soon :)


Xxxx pixie love and hugs!

God I fucking suck. Im huge again. I stayed at grans and boy did she feed me! I saw s for the first time in over a week and boy did we eat! I pirged too ~ disapointed. Im working all day tomorrow so no food ok pixie. Ive set my alarm early to fit some form of workout in. I feel so fat and feel the pasta chocolate and cookies swirling around my body making its way to my ass hips and thighs. I have 20 days before I must be thin for my party. Im going to be 2kg down in a.couple weeks. If not im going to lose my fucking shit and rhn away. Im the only one to blame or can change this.... If only my stomach and mouth where on the same goddam page! Happy saturday darlings hope everyones doing better than me! X .

Another day

Shit. Fuck. I.was doing well... Lost even... Then I ate today 3 pieces of toast with cheese, pea soup, two cups of.coffee,.4 spring rolls, schnitzel and veg at nans ..... Fatty mc fat fat! 25 days must be a stable 2kg down and maintain... Fuck I crave chocolate but no pixie I feel the thighs getting bigger the fat clogging my arteries, the inches forming... Sigh just another day in a disordered pixies life.

Nervous

I am currently nervous as fuck and my anxiety is through the roof.. I have no idea why. Perhaps because this time I know I am going to be the "old thin pixie" and I am just excited?

I took the day off from everything and I so far have finished Wintergirls this morning which really made me think - fuck pixie you need to stop purging! So to do this... no guilty fucking foods - clean eating... vegetables and fruit and coffee and tea and NO BREAD OR PASTA... 

I have spent the remainder of the day making a list of allowed and not-allowed foods to stick on my fridge... I don't care that my family can see it as far as they know I am doing it to fix my fucked up stomach and IBS/slight gluten intolerance. 

I will be 2kg down by my Birthday - 4 weeks!

Each night I am doing sit-ups crunches and a thigh workout with this thingy that Angel bought me... 

I feel excited, anxious but still positive.

Intake so far - 1 x coffee... 

I have also taken photos of myself today so I can compare each week - who knows maybe I will post them... CURRENTLY 52.4KG. 

Wish me luck 

xxo Pixie. 

I just feel

That tomorrow my life will change!

I'm feeling a positive Pixie!

Today I am dirty.. want to be pretty.. tomorrow, I know I'm just dirt.

This was a great weekend for me. I spent the time doing what a pixie should not, drinking, smoking, lying, dancing and vomiting... a lot!

Where to start... I decided I was not going to drink this weekend.. that lasted a whole ten minutes. I was supposed to go to a party - Kendra's.. but I really could not be fucked, and knew I would have a shit time as we aren't really friends anymore or have anything in common. So I lied. Bad Pixie. I said I had to work.. Instead I messaged Milah to see if she felt like vodka and company.. the phone rang 5 minutes later and I was in my car on my way. The night was great. We drank, and danced around her room in the dark discovering that we had more in common. I hate girls usually but we get along pretty well. We both are disordered but we have had the "talk" about not wanting to encourage each other (no matter how hard) and not to get angry if one of us recovers. 

I like this idea... a friendship based on something true... nothing like our desire for perfection and thin....  Who knows maybe Pixie has found a friend - after all the others left her. 

The next day Angel picked me up as I could not drive. SPEW GUTS. I have not felt so sick in forever. But he was a sweetheart and looked after me.. OH AND IN ALL OF THIS DID I MENTION I LOST WEIGHT... I was at 51.7kg AGAIN. So there standing hungover on the scales I noticed I was back to where I was last Saturday however after eating on Sunday at a family lunch I have gained a few grams FUCK. Still I know that I am losing when I want to.. well I always want to, but when I actually TRY. PIXIE WILL BE DOING MORE OF THIS AS OF TOMORROW.It is always "tomorrow" with us isn't it?! But sometimes that is all we have to live for. 

Oh in other news during the week I was offered two jobs and accepted one so hopefully I will be able to buy a nice dress for my 21st coming up in no time at all!

I hope that everyone else's weekend was fun and adventurous xoxo Pixie. 

Memoirs of a Pixie

I Pixie have hereby decided that I am going to get back onto the blogging bandwagon and follow in the footsteps of my previous alias' blogs and make things more interesting. The alias of Pixie will be exposed bit by bit I guess I have thought about it for the past month... Usually my blogs tell more than what I have ate during the day - and how much I hate what toxic crap I call food into my body. So let my Pixies memoir begin...... 

I should introduce some characters fictional - non fictional you decide.


There's Pixie .. or "me" ... BMI 17. SOMETHING ... Age soon to be 21. Tall. Not skinny but want to be skinny. Will get skinny. Unemployed. In a great relationship. Living with the roomies  parents and a little cat. 


There's normal girl.. Pixie's split personality.. the angelic demonic voice in her head. 

Angel aka S = Pixie's lovely boyfriend. Far too kind yet unaware of her disorderly ways.


Momsy - Pixie's mother really is lovely means well but far too protective and can be rather smothering. OCD. Clean-a-holic


Fasha - Pixie's father. Passive and has not had a meaningful conversation with Pixie in years, but they don't need to. Paying out Momsy behind her back in a nice way is quite sufficient. Works hard then spends home-time in front of the television and bag of chips. 


Milah - very new friend of Pixie's. Also disordered. Knows about Pixie's disorders. A breath of fresh air.


Serena - Older sister. Works. Has boy, financial and all sorts of troubles.. nothing like  Sis2 her other sister of the same age. 


Kendra - College friend. In need of a new brain. Constant boy troubles. 


B - One and only long lost brother... new to the scene


So there is the introduction of characters in this trip down the memoir lane.. stay tuned as Pixie.. takes you on a brisk walk through the purging, binging, laughter, the wishful tears, aloof behavior and search for her identity. 

xoxo Pixie.

51.7KG

I got down to this on Sunday after a drunk blergh of fun with skinny girl... although I have eaten a bit.... I weighed this morning and I am 52.7kg :/ but still I am OK with this as I have ate a lot of pasta, cheesecake and crap over the weekend - hangover snacks argh. I don't know how I got to 51.7kg :/ I HAVE BEEN EATING!!! maybe my metabolism needed this food. I am feeling thinner I think I look it too. I am planning to be 51kg by my birthday... 7 weeks totally do-able. To help me achieve this I am also not drinking until then! It may prove hard but alcohol seems to make me eat so it is worth refraining from drunken behavior... plus I am spending money I don't really have on booze :( I am job seeking to fix the money sitch. I need clothes, stockings, coats, lipstick and a scarf for this horrid winter weather! Blergh. I will do a proper update soon. xo

Fatbish

Im disgusted as soon as skinny girl left the party I ate. Toast, cheese, pasta...then next day pizxa, pasta, asian, cheesecake, chocolate. I had sugar fuck. I went to the docs for these gut pains and passed out...idiot.all in all ive only gained 700gramd.... Still im above 53 eeeww. I need laxies to get this shit out...literally. Tomorrow no sugar startss... Im sure my binge has had its way...back to restricting! Im seeing skinny girl in gwo days maybe if not we are starting yoga in 20 days... I will be 50¡ 51 will do just please pixie break below 53 then 52..... Fatty out xx

Its rainy and cold. I could kill for a hot chocolate! But ive not had sugar for 3weeks. I'm proud of this. I had dinner at my grans and ate soooo much spaghetti. I felt rude if I didn't but fat because I did. I purged majority up though... I just pray I'm looking thin for this party on saturday ~ skinny girls going to be there. I want to be thinner than the last time I saw her...pretty sure I am. My face is getting thinner I think, thank god because the thought of an extra chin makes me ill. I haven't weighed for,two days. I.might tomorrow but if I see a shit result or none at all it will no doubt put a downer on my weekend. Speaking of what's everyone doing for it? Xxxx pix

Fuckyoufood

Me and food are having a bad relationship. Not that I'm eating stacks, soup fruit or a light meal. I just can't bare to think about foods entering my body these past few days. Im purging my dinner each night.even vegetables. I can't stand anything in my stomach so I purge til I'm hungry again. I guess this is fine if I see results right ¿.

52.6

I was stoked to see this on the scale after this weekends antics, blergh alcohol. Today I have pigged out though... Cereal a few nachos, cold rolls and chicken broth.fuck I'm going to be back to fat. Gah I hope to be 51 by the weekend as I have another party and I must be thin! It was kinda good coz I couldnt eat with it, now appetites back fucker. Soup, soup and more soup is the plan for the week ahead. In other news I had a fab weekend the boy came back from his trip so we did dinner and movie fri and a, party sat... But reality beckons amd tomorrow its back to prac... Really ceebs going but I musnt be lazy plus I barely eat there! Im worried though I will need petrol...i have no money which I was so kindly made aware of when my card declined eeeeep. Best go to bed, hopefully have skinny dreams. Xxx pix

53.3 there I said it. Yes I once was 47.7 but then I relapsed got fat. Huge. 56 ar one stage, two wks ago. It kills to confess.but recovery is not for me, I get this now. I thought I could...it made me more depressed than ever. On the plus I have nearly lost 3kg in two weeks im sure ill be 53 tomorrow. I have had a 36 hr gut ache thus minimal eating.i think 350 cals today perhaps l less. Anywho this posting on my phone thing sucks I can't see what I'm typing excuse any mistakds. gah. Soooo all in all 3more kg needs to go ...two weeks timeframe? Sounds good to me. Zoxoxo pixie

Gahh. Since I started dieting again in the past 5ish days ive lost 2kg. Although when I weighed myself to begin I think it was a lot of water/beer weight. I'm actually disappointed that I havent lost more.i was reading an old diary that I tracked my weight each day and I would lose a stack easily... Hopwfully I see more loss tomorrow... Todays cals are around 350. Im humgry now which makes me hopeful I will see results. I want atleast 3kg gone in 2 weeks! Xoxoxo pix

On the brighter side..

I am back from my trip away, whilst it was great seeing old friends I weighed in after landing home sun night and it was no surprise I would see gain - gain - gain. 




So I have been restricting like I haven't in a while. 
Yesterday I had soup and cereal - 356 calories
Today Soup and cereal and soon more soup for dinner so it will be around 400 for today. 


I weighed in today and I have lost 1.3kg in a day! 


I am hoping that I lose more by tomorrow... I dare not report how much I weigh currently as I am appalled - but I will once I am happy with the success that WILL COME! 


I am seeing the skinny girl no doubt in about three weeks - at least I think she will be there at a friends party... I must be thin by then, I cant let her see me like this. 


I also need to fit into a dress by July that I want to wear for my party. I need to lose about 5kg by then.... I think this is doable... small steps. 

I tried to stop smoking, I didnt at all yesterday but restricting calories and all sometimes makes me on edge so I allowed myself a few today - also university is stressing me the fuck out - I can feel myself spiraling down into one of my depressions. I hope some more weight-loss will make me happy. It has to right?


Not a lot else has been happening, just a lot of going out, drinking and eating. But I plan for this to stop... No drinking until next weekend for a bday party then the one after that... Alcohol and anti-depressants are not a good mix for me I get depressed for days after the hangover flees.And in regards to eating I plan to do this soup/ cereal thing until Saturday. From then I am working out a plan that involved healthy eating, incorporating plenty of veggies and LESS carbs. 

( with winter fast approaching I want these legs on me! ) 


This is really just rambling I am going to read some blogs and do some homework. blergh.




xoxo Pixie. 

2 days

Two days until I fly away to visit old friends. I am excited, despite not being thin like last time I saw some of them. I know there will be a shitload of drinking - and probably dinners and lunches with friends.... shit. I could do the whole purge thing - but staying in a hotel with s could prove to be difficult... argh- I hope I can stay strong, but I am sucking at it lately. Sometimes I eat lots, sometimes not much... still I am eating and I dont like this.. I am around 54kg still I lose one week gain by the weekend. Blergh. Sounds bad but one friend I am seeing has the same problem she is thinner than me - I wanted to be thin too by the time I go back - not happening. Dev. Oh well. I will update how the trip goes - probably be a balloon when I get back! 


But I am doing a soup diet with s and he is keen for it too... a detox... so I will only have fruit and soup for I hope 5  days.... hopefully that will allow me to lose a little.. a shit stack of homework to do. 


I hope all is well ladies, stay pretty. 


xo Pix. 

Weekend, gah, where to start ate a fuckload of thai/asian food friday then drank and purged. Satt I wasso hungover I had pasta and pizza. Today theres no excuse. Bacon and eggs, pizza and pasta. What the eff pixie you stupid thing. Mother also thinks I have a drinking problem... Perhaps. I feel more confident when I drink, as if people would like me more. Im not weighing in. tomorrows back to uni I will be awfully busy so I'm hoping I can atleast get rid of the weekends catastrophe, gahh. Fat bitch pixie, over and out. X

Sneaky

Sneaky phone update I'm at s's in bed while ge plays video games todays activities went well new hair colour purchased yet to put in. foodwise.. 2 pce sushi, half a greek salad a bite of garlic bread and diet coke. I hope to see results. Going to bed hungry and loving it! Night girls, I promise to catchup on blogs and reply when home xx pix

Tatt Thinspo Thursday

The weekend is approaching and I am excited. I am going out for a double date tonight - which means dinner- not so excited however I am getting good at choosing healthy options and not eating the lot. Friday it is sangria with a girlfriend and sat a birthday dinner not keen on - will drive not drink nor eat and bail early. 


I weighed in at 53.9kg yesterday, I am still a fair way away but every gram counts right. While 48 still is an ideal I think that I would be more than happy with 50kg! so im about 4 kg away.... 


I have been doing lots of push-ups, sit-ups squats etc and can see a change in my stomach already - the ribs once again are almost visible. 


My scales are being a bitch to me -so I am not weighing in until I am sure I have lost a significant amount. 
I have been eating less too:
Yesterday I ate a squid salad. a bite of chicken and roast veggies.  (no sweets wooo)


Today I have had a coffee so far. S and I are going to the shops soon - I need new hair colour cant decide -red, purple, brown, black argh suggestions haha - hard to tell when you don't know what I look like. We will probably by his request get "a bite to eat" - salad thanks or cold rolls. Dinner - Salad please. 




Fingers crossed - god being social can have its downfalls!


I have fallen in love with Tatt thinspo - funnily enough when browsing pictures I found a pic of a girl I know - wouldn't that be ideal - someone taking your myspace/facebook/blog photos and using them as a thinspo!


Enjoy!

xox - Pixie.