Undo it all

I feel like I've undone my progress , I'm scared to weigh in. 50.6kg one day probably 54 the next! I ate too much today. An egg with kidney beans for breakfast, cous cous for lunch then a piece of chicken on bread and some schnitzel at family dinner. I feel the lard coming back swallowing my chin. Surrounding my thighs. I've got to start hating food again ! I hate me right now.. I've missed the boy so much I have spent too much time with my own thoughts. I need to snap out of it. I need to get shit into order. Gym more, get off the mess, study harder, eat less and quit the drinking. I always hate life for days after I drink. I always hate it after I eat. If only my mouth didn't open itself to this evil stuff. If only I had more control. I won't promise I will find it because m promises to myself are always short lived and empty. I talk, and fail to do. I'll believe it when I see it.

50.6

Finally not 53 but 50.6 read my scales today! I've ate hardly anything in days. . A Burger sat nothing yesterday and 300 cals for dinner today. I can do this! I'm almost where I want to be... 50 or 49 and I will be stoked. Lets not ruin this pixie. Xx hangovers and weightloss

What a busy weekend

Indeed it has been a very busy weekend, consisting of work, work and more work and house cleaning. 

The boy is away for a few days with a friend so I have been keeping myself company with bunny. It has been good to be alone for a while. 

I haven't had to eat meals that I don't want too. I haven't ate much really but still scales say I haven't lost a lot either... disappointing, but as my last post indicated they aren't so reliable so i think I need a new set. 

I have not gone to the gym either which I really was trying to do. Instead a girl at work was sick and left early so I was at work for 12 hours with no break... nor food just diet coke, surely I thought I would lose something but when I got home I ate some soup. Weigh in the next day only read a 300gm loss, which is not good usually when I dont eat much for a day and am active like I was at work running around like a madwoman I would see a somewhat pleasing loss.... if only.

Then the next day I also worked 6 hours no food. But when I got home my sister and I watched a movie and had a burger :( disappointing . I have not weighed in today for I am rather anxious that this said burger will make me puff like a beached whale. 

Today I slept in to a lonely bed and the sound of rain.. sadly it was bliss. When I awoke I started cleaning and have been cleaning ever since.. 4 or so hours... hopefully this counts for some exercise as I have still not made it to the gym... I have only had coffee (about to have my second) and two alcohol beverages to keep me happy while I clean and dance around with the music blasting.. 

I am really enjoying time alone.. not eating when people expect me too. I do miss the boy though and can not wait to see his return which I think is tomorrow sometime!

Tonight I am just seeing skinny girl for movies and drinks... we don't eat around each other so I don't think I will be worried about any food induced calorie intake.. there will be alcohol though ;)

Well I am off to finish my painting to put in the bedroom to surprise the boy when he gets home.. I have had it half finished for about 3 months now... today has been productive.

I hope everyone else is enjoying their weekend yes?

xo PIXIE 

Post-Christmas

Gosh I hate holidays... spending money, eating, spending time with people you'd rather not. 

I really have no idea what to write anymore.. it is as if my mind is empty. Nothing much is happening. 

I got accepted into the honors program at college... which I am sure will be stressful but perhaps that's a good thing.. keep my mind occupied and mouth shut.

I re-joined the gym post-nye.. and I have gone twice this week and I am feeling sore but good. All I want to do is exercise when  I'm not there. Eating has been blergh. Today the scales read 52.6kg then 53.2kg 1 minute after (if only I was not an obsessive "must weigh three times in a row" type) so I don't want to trust them. Instead I am going to workout, eat less and try and fit into the clothes I could this time last year. . loosely. Oddly enough even though I am fat, I have had two friends talk about how worried they are as apparently some pictures of me look too thin.... HA! It is funny when no one really noticed that much when I was 6kg lighter or said anything. I will get back to that stage < current goal 50kg before start of semester = 3.5weeks > 

So far today I have had coffee and half a packet of slim pasta with veggies and a bit of curry powder... Slim pasta is amazing 16 calories for the whole pack and that will last me two meals. 

So far I am guessing 50-80 cal for today and that will do me until dinner time. The boy wants to make dinner for me tonight but I am going to encourage something very basic/healthy. 

I may have another coffee later, while I stick my head into all these readings I need to do so I can pick my thesis topic. I have a meeting with my supervisor next week and she wants to know all my ideas and plans... this stage I don't really have any. Bad student already before semester starts :/ 

Not a fan of Miley but she does look good!