Scared

Yep. Scared shitless is my state of mind right now. This weekend I have not counted calories.. and I ate a shitload.. three meals a day (not like me at all). We had family stay with us from out of town so Mother prepared breakfast, lunch and dinner daily=  gah FAT. 


I haven't dared weigh myself. I don't know if I can even bring myself to go near the scales tomorrow... I predict I am back where I was 53-54 :/ 


I will try recap my eating (be warned this is ugly)


Friday - No bloody idea what I ate during the day for dinner I ate squid and purged it all.


Saturday - toast with turkey, veggie slice, dips, bbq, peanut butter sandwich. 


Sunday - toast with turkey, veggie slice, sausage in bread, chicken mornay, and three slices of pizza


I am feeling sick as I type this! How can I just ruin good work with stupid weekend blunders. Oh and also I drank last night: beer too!


Tomorrow I want to start over. I will start over. I want to  be thin by the time I go back to University. I start in about two weeks. Strict dieting, more exercising and fasting. 


I should be okay this week the boy is going away - he was meant to last week but changed the dates so no eating out for me! I am trying to save money because as mentioned before I quit my job and am nearing the end of my rostered shifts (which I don't have many). Its Australia day on Thursday so no work, then I have two more shifts left and I am out of that place. 


Although I will be out of an income I figure that money isn't making me happy in fact I just eat too much when I have money hah. I don't care much for buying clothes and shoes regularly. Twice a year I probably will do a shop once in winter once in summer.. then perhaps for an odd special occasion but rarely. One thing I am good at is making outfits last for years and just accessorize them so they look new/different - so hopefully that won't be a problem really. I am going to start op shopping again and customizing. I miss that. i need to get in touch with my creative side again :)


Random: It is just petrol, uni books, occasional going out money but that is all I will need for the next few months. So I will have plenty of time to get a new job.. something that I will enjoy. I have decided that instead of doing something that makes me unhappy I rather not do it at all - next thing on the list to cross off is find the perfect job! 


I am always curious what other people who are studying (or not) do for a job.. what is out there and what would people recommend? 


I hope everyone had a far better weekend than I - this week I will catch up on blogs. 


XO Pixie. 

Normally I don't like Mondays..

I hate the feeling of Monday morning, when you go to the scales and realise that the weekend has spoiled all of the weeks work. But not this weekend - a surprise for once. I weighed in and found myself at 52.8kg. So far thats 1.3kg in 4 or so days - which I am happy with.

I was so hungry last night. However I did not eat until 3pm today - pasta at a restaurant with dad... Bad I know but I figure I have not had any calories other than that today and I wont eat dinner apart from perhaps 130 cals of porridge or fruit.

I hope that tomorrow I will lose again.

3.8kg to my goal.. even 50kg would be great.. If I keep at this rate I hope to be 49-50kg by mid February - however I know that soon my metabolism will go out of wack and losing will get harder - usually though this happens when I want to get under 49kg - it did last time at least.

Any-who today was nice I just saw a friend for a coffee, and went to the cinema with my father which was nice because we don't spend heaps of time together. Tomorrow I am going to stay home and I think my grandpa is coming over whilst my Nan is in surgery- open heart - I really hope it goes well! I then may go to the beach as it is meant to be rather hot, I need to spend more time outside to get me some vitamin D.

What is everyone's plans this week?

xo Pixie

Hungry

I'm hungry. I have been for two days. I am feeling thinner the ribs are starting to show again. I haven't weighed properly so I will tomorrow morning. I'm to hungry to sleep but other than that and dizziness I feel good.
Yesterday I ate soup, small bowl of noodles with vegies, a pce of bread with turkey. So all up 430 cal
Today was coffee, and family lunch which I did rather well played the stomach arche card. I had a few bites ofmy roast chicken and ate the vegies, then came dessert which blew,
.. Some chocky moose thing.. Ate a few bites. Then dinner porridge.. All up around 750 cal.

I'm ok with this weekends efforts lets hope I feel the same upon checking inn tomorrow morning. Well its 1am hopefully I get some sleep!

Really shouldn't be hungry..

Xo pix.

Quick

Sneaky phone update whilst on my lunch break.

Weighed in this morning at 53.4 ! Stoked 4.4 kg and I'm arty my goal. I was surprised that if lost even the slightest amount as yesterday I drank beer and nibbled on the platers at my depends shindig. So I am ferling good. So far today I'm at 80 cals. Then nada til dinner, wish me luck xo pix

weekend is near.

Hello Darlings, 


Reporting in for yesterday and so far today. 


Well yesterday - what can I say dinner at the boys = pigout. 


Breaky - Cereal - 150 cals
Lunch - prawn shirataki noodles and capsicum - 200 cals
Dinner - 2 slice of pizza, a pce of fish and a tomato - 542


Total = 892 :/ eep


Today so far I have had 


Breaky - 150 cals
coffee - 10 cals
sushi - 200 ? I dont really know but I didn't have much 


= 360 already and I am meant to be going out with friends to drink tonight - god darn,  I really can not afford to purge, the chest pain is getting worse. I have bloods and xray next week fun...


Weigh in - Just ten mins ago = 53.7 kg (that's with all the food)


Saturday I am just going to go to work then come home, and maybe visit my gran before her heart op on Monday.. so hopefully limited intake there The boy is going on a roadtrip with a mate over the weekend so there will be less eating I spose... 


I quit my job yesterday - 6more shifts and I am out of there.. they want to try and keep me but I really think I need a new change and chapter in my life. I get bored easily I have moved interstate so many times, and moved house at least 4 times in the past few years.. I think a new career option will be on the cards... maybe retail. I hated having an office job sitting on my ass all day feeling my thighs, butt and gut expand -I need to be on my feet, in view of people so that way I will feel compelled to be thin as everyone will be glaring at me!


Rant: 
I hope everyone is doing well, staying positive and feeling beautiful. I am reading so much lately about girls falling into the arms of self harm. I am not one to make judgement - I have been there and at the time thought it was the perfect release, but I realized I cherished my life and when I am thin I want to show off my bones - with no scars. I just hope everyone is being safe if they are going to do what they feel they need to - if there is such a way. There is always light at the end of the tunnel and I know it doesn't have to involve self harm. Helplines and websites can be great support networks, and I highly recommend that if you at times feel no one else is there and no one gives a shit - people in fact really do sometimes our troubles and stresses of life blind us to the support and love that is SOMEWHERE out there whether it can be immediately found or is waiting to be discovered it is well worth the wait and patience, as with pure happiness - I truly believe  it can be found and I am on a journey to find it! 


End Rant

XO - Pixie. 

Day two & Angelina thinspo

Well today was not to bad either- I am feeling hungry - something I miss


Breaky - cereal and berries 150 cal
Lunch - nada
snack - soup 100
dinner soup and two pce garlic bread (shit I know, but I only ate half the bowl of soup and it was a vegetable broth) 350 approx


so around 600 Cals


I resisted pasta - which is big for me and also another day without sugar. 


I am drinking plenty of water but need to drink what I used to.


I weighed in this morning 54.1kg - then in the arvo 53.9kg I know it is big for me! Since last year I was 47.7kg... but seeing a smidge of that 53 show on the scales made me happier. I know I can do this. I know I can get to my desire of 49kg.. even 50 and I am happy so a four kilo loss is my aim :). No time frames.


In the life side of things it is all going well. The christmas season was great despite the food intake but I loved being with family and friends. I made the decision to stay in town and not move interstate therefore I will be finishing my degree here. So that is a bit exciting. I know that I will always be able to travel and I should focus on my studies first and complete masters there. 


I start placement which goes for abour 4 month of unpaid work. YAY. Time to live without an income but I figure this way I wont use money on food. 


Things with the boy are fabulous as always. I am really happy there. Things at work not so - I am resigning eventually to focus on my study and take a break. Hopefully then the anxiety and depression will ease and I can focus on me.


Well enough rant - I am slowly getting into the blog of things gosh gals it has been a while hasn't it. I hope all is going well for you darlings. Here is some Angelina thinspo I think her and Mila Kunis are the two absolutely most beautiful beings on this earth. 

(amazing career, beautiful family and boyfriend she has it all)

Also has anyone tried Bikram Yoga? I want to try it... opinions would be nice. 


Xo stay beautiful Pixie. 

Intake

Soo today was going okay til I nibbled on some bread ..

Morning ~ nada
Lunch ~ cup soup 76 cal
Arvo~ cereal 200
Snack ~ shake 176
dinner ~ soup & bread 350

Ehh better than my past eating would have been better if I didn't eat bread !!!

the beginning

That's where I am starting from. 
I am excited rather than scared though!
I know that everyone has noticed my weight gain - my doctor, my friends, my jeans...
"you're looking better now.. more booby"
I don't want booby I want thin!


I have been away for two weeks but now I am back to start the new year - as of tomorrow I am going to do what I should have been doing months ago - get back on track. 


I am not going to have time frames - because I know if I do I wont reach them in time causing severe disappointment. 


I have noticed so many skinny people around me of late- friends losing weight they are becoming the same size as me! As selfish as it sounds I font want them to be the same size as me. I have always been known as the thin one.. not the same size.. I will get there though. I know I will..


Keep beautiful like Mila . 

xo - Pixie.