ups

I woke up today at 51.8 kg. I'm happy with this. The thrill and excitement came back.. momentarily.  I went to work today and although I ran around a bit I have also had 5 slices of pizza today. Three big . Two small. I'm positive I will be 53 tomorrow until I crap it out or something gross. Purging was not an option.. laxs will be.

Despite this pizza deal I've had roughly 950-1000  cals
yestetday I ate three party pasties and a few crackers and cheese at my sisters.

so im not eating two meals really. Iys more so snacking here and there which seems to keep the cravings away.

Tomorrow there is a Christmas and july lunch that I am required to attend.. I'm hoping vegetables will be roasted and plentiful so I can just munch those.

Before the lunch I'm going to go to the gym or for a run so hopefully that helps.  I'm wanting to be 50kg within two weeks and stay there !!!!


It's doable... Just no more pizza!!!!


Xx pix

purge

Today I woke up feeling thinner. I'm happy about that  I can see I'm not as hungry anymore too which brings me to dinners fiasco.. I ate a serve of low Cal pasta which just came back up. . I didn't want to purge I ran to the bathroom feeling my stomach in knots and mouth salivating clear indicator I need to spew.  Ew it had to come out  .and I helped to do so I hated the feeling of needing to be sick. I wanted it over with.. I forgot how easy it was. Not proud... is pixies old ways coming back to haunt her ???

I don't know how I feel. .. dizzy time to lie down.

Xx

it's always tomorrow

Tomorrow.  I always say I will do it tomorrow.  Diet. Exercise. Study. But tomorrow turns into tomorrow and that tomorrow is tomorrows tomorrow.  Well tomorrow is coming and I need to start being accountable.

So fuck tomorrow . I'm starting now.

No more smoking. I hate it I'm poor from it and always in the cold. I need to replace that habit with another. .. Plan is in the morning tomorrow haha I'm going to have my coffee and exercise in replace of my morning nicotine fix. Then I shall make a plan or something for the day and week with my goals. If I teach them I will treat myself. .. clothes something...probably a book since I don't want to buy anything until I'm two sizes smaller... but you get the picture.

I need to get out of my rut of nothings working everything sucks mode because to nake shit better shits just gotta change and that starts with me.


sorry that this post is shit and more so for myself to look back on.  I hope though in the future I can say oh yep that's the moment I stopped smoking and lost a few kgs...


accountabilty....

xo pix.

Oh there you are

Where have you been Pixie? 

This year has just gone by so quickly so far. Yet I have nothing to show for it.

I have moved out. Trying to make a house a home but it just doesnt feel that way. I thought my depression had gotten better. I even considered giving the meds the flick but I feel empty. . like I have nothing going for me at the moment even though a lot seems to be happening around me. 

I feel like im in this transitional period of my life where I don't know who I am meant to be or where I am going... 

I had a birthday. 22. I feel old and like I should know what I am meant to be doing, have some sort of routine. You know wake up go to the gym, go to class, go to work, come home, say hi honey i'm home heres your dinner, look at finding a house, do productive things on the weekend apart from drinking and drugs. I don't like who I have become lately. 

I think I am missing ana. Shes been gone for so long. Shes in the back of my mind whispering Pixie I'm here... I've always been here. . talk to me. But living with the boy its hard to let her out. I eat all the time. It feels like it anyway. Two meals a day is two too many. 

I think its ana who i have been missing. I need to gain control again. I need the thrill of seeing the numbers on the scale go down, the bones and ribs visible through my skin. 

Im going to let her back. I need to. 
She will let me get to where I want to be. 50kg. I need to lose 3 kg to get there. I want to be stable at 50kg and go from there. I will do it. A

na will help me to do it. 

I need routine. Ana gave me that motivation. 

Im back. Pixie is back. Being MIA sucked. I missed you. 

xo Pix.