Undo it all

I feel like I've undone my progress , I'm scared to weigh in. 50.6kg one day probably 54 the next! I ate too much today. An egg with kidney beans for breakfast, cous cous for lunch then a piece of chicken on bread and some schnitzel at family dinner. I feel the lard coming back swallowing my chin. Surrounding my thighs. I've got to start hating food again ! I hate me right now.. I've missed the boy so much I have spent too much time with my own thoughts. I need to snap out of it. I need to get shit into order. Gym more, get off the mess, study harder, eat less and quit the drinking. I always hate life for days after I drink. I always hate it after I eat. If only my mouth didn't open itself to this evil stuff. If only I had more control. I won't promise I will find it because m promises to myself are always short lived and empty. I talk, and fail to do. I'll believe it when I see it.