I don't know what has sparked it. Perhaps it is because I am no happier now which I had hoped to be - in fact I think I am worse off - hungry - binging purging - feeling weak with no energy nor the motivation do much at all. I thought to myself today - I'm not fat. WOW theres a first for everything
At 49.5kg-50kg and 173cm tall I know medically speaking I am far from fat but underweight... but still I can't help but want to get thinner (my head is twisted)
But as I strive to get thinner I am getting weaker. I miss the things I used to be able to do. Enjoy a meal out with S. Now I fear going to his house or being around him. It should not be this way! I love S + he loves me.
I am not getting what I wanted to out of this... I think the first few weeks-months I was as I dropped around 6kg in a short time then I got the comments "you lost weight" "you are too thin"... but now people are used to seeing me at my 48-49-50kg's and it is no different. It is harder to lose weight...
I just ate some lasagna, chocolate and berries and even had a non-diet soda - already I would have consumed 550+ calories and it is only half past midday... and I want more.. more food. Because I know I shouldn't. .
How the hell did all this begin?
I thought I had found myself... an identity... something I am good at.. but it is taking over me and I am failing miserably. Questioning it all... is it worth it? Followers will hate me,,,, I will probably hate me....
What will the end result be if I do get thin... or thinner - what is thinner when will it all be enough? when will I be happy.. hell I though 50kg would be my halt.. then 48.. then I wanted more and more once I got there... I got to 47.7 then I wanted to get to 46instead I crept up and up and up back to 49-50kg.. is that my stable weight?...
What happens when I stop or "recover" - do I maintain? or do I just gain?
sometimes it's just all too hard for a girl. Where does one go next? Do i take two step forwards or two steps back and which way is forward - the pursuit to thin or the path to "normal" living, which way is back - the path to fat or the path to "unhealthy" living...
I am so sorry to all of you.. and to myself. I really don't know what is going to happen... I wish I or someone could give me all the answers!
x Pix.
hun, don't be sorry. It just means that you are thinking about things, which isn't bad. Most people who go into recovery relapse. 10-15% of all those with anorexia will die from it. It's hard to know which path to take. Is being thin worth all the suffering? The answer is different for each person. But I will say this, people who don't have food issues seem to be a lot happier than me. And if you are happier in recovery then hun, go into recovery and hang onto happiness.
ReplyDeleteKnow that I'm here to support you no matter what path you take. I'm not going to preach recovery or pro ana to you. Just to support you.
Thankyou so much lovely. That is honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me! I will hold onto your words forever.. I don't know if its just a bad day or what... It could be just a moodswing where the devil and angel on my shoulder are trying their hardest to compete! I will see in the morning. I domt know how i can thank you enough for your words of kindness. .. People may think big deal they're just words.. But sometimes when you're so low that's all you need "just words" .. I vow to be there and return the favour to you whenever you may need me.
ReplyDeleteXo pixie