intro.

Well today I have fasted pretty much - water, chai latte and a piece of chocky - I also went to the gym for the first time in forever after classes. I was only there for 30 mins, because I had to run to the shops and to be honest since I have not been working out for weeks I felt the burn.. I hope this means results!!

So today calorie consumption would be about 200 cals. I also burned this at the gym.

I was going to continue a fast through the day but my sweet tooth sparked and I needed that energy kick :P but I still feel good... Instead of fasting tonight I will make a healthy dinner... shirataki noodles, and spicy tofu and a salad..

Shirataki noodles have no fat and no calories - I recommend highly!! look them up they are also known as "miracle noodles".. I buy them from an Asian grocer near by for $2.00 a packet. They don't have a lot of flavour - in fact they are bland and the texture at first is weird but if you add some chili or condiments they taste ayokay and they make you feel really full! Who wouldn't want that plus the benefit of a low cal meal.

I also bought some red kidney beans - my new love :)

Today was okay. Thoughts as usual sway from I hate my life, I am going to just pack up and leave, blah blah blah.... I am very unpredictable with my moods - well in my head anyway I always wear a smile - I don't want to be a bore to be around so no matter what is happening I keep it away from everyone else!


I guess that is why I am good hiding my eating habits, or lack of.

I am thinking this blog I will incorporate more info and insight into my life - I know alot of people would be bored and think who cares right? But I think it will be a good way to express myself and assist me in understanding what the hell is going on I'm my life so INTRO -

People when looking at me would think, girl studying at university, good job that pays well, loving boyfriend, a few good friends, a nice house, car, good family unit - "theres nothing to complain about"

I am faced with this all the time - I have what some people would die for, but still I face this burden of unhappiness and constantly questioning more or less my existence.
More than ever these feelings have come about this year... why I don't know I am doing well at uni, never fighting with S (apart from food), making money, seeing friends when I can but I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.. never wanting to leave the house to go to work, afraid of things that I would do everyday... then I guess that triggered my weight loss.. prescribed Zoloft I researched about it and the side effects - so many people complained about weight gain! I could not bare the thought of being not only depressed but then becoming fat-er. So i restricted myself on what I ate - One meal a day  - no meal a day.

I saw the numbers on the scale drop. I became obsessed with weighing in. I liked the comments "you have lost a bit of weight, you look thinner"... these have stopped now though - and I want them back.. I guess that is why I keep going. Someone to ask me what is wrong? even if I don't have an answer....
My psychologist thinks my self esteem issues have come about due to post-traumatic stress- which I beg to differ I even have - but she thinks it's underlying... in the unconcious.. whatever anyway when I was 15 I was at a party drunk and beat up by a bunch of random girls... I woke up in hospital dazzed and confussed highly medicated to see the doctor stand over me putting a needle and string into my face... I woke up the next morning to hear mum and dad say "shes up. should we cover the mirrors".. I walked to the bathroom to see through my swallen eyes that could barely open the stitches down my face the bruises that filled the remainder.. I was shrek. that's what I called myself. I did not leave the house for days.. weeks. months... I hated me. I thought no one would love me...

I was with a guy at the time.. drug addict "Asshole" but he was good to me ... well at the time I thought - perhaps the reason why I stayed with him until I moved interstate at the age of 18... I think sometimes I blame him for not being there when in happened - he didnt go out in public with me.. he just stayed home and smoked bongs - he developed anxiety of people so I suffered to.. no movies, no dates nothing over the 4 years we spent together - stupid me huh... but I thought no one else could like shrek... but luckily I found S the most caring and loving guy in the world who thinks the world of me!

But here I am... 1.5 years in the relationship and I can't think the world of me and I am faced with this depression and anxiety I can't explain... maybe it will all make sense maybe it never will... all I know is that the only thing I look forward to or get really happy about is seeing the numbers on the scale decrease......

That is enough rambling. I have an essay to write..

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend and start to the week
- xo Pixie.