A while

It has been ages since my last post and it this time I have gained.A whopping 6 kilos infact. I was so ashamed to come on here and read how well everyone is going so I took a break and honestly it was the best thing for me.

I am at my highest weight I have ever been 54kg - no longer weighing the 48kg or 47.7kg that I was only months ago. But you know what I am happier... I am not calorie counting at all. I am not purging (although I did on the weekend twice oops, I am eating allot less sweets actually and I am not binging on a million snacks a day.

While yes I think gosh why could I not just be 48kg again, why cant my clothes be loose, why cant my ribs be showing still and face slimmer oddly I am not as depressed as what I was when I was calorie counting, weighing myself 15 times a day and purging just as many.

I still eat healthily - usually two meals a day and still only drink water and diet soda its not like I am eating Maccas or burgers (not that I did that anyway).

My boyfriend says I look good, and happy that I have my ass back - I still am not content but getting there. I know I was crazy with what I was doing. I was making myself sick.

I still want to lose weight I want to be 50 kg or 49kg again but I am going to try take a different approach and not be so self loathing and in such a rush (losing 6 kilos in a couple of months takes only a couple of weeks to put back on trust!). It was this self loathing that made me binge - thinking I am not good enough or worth anything. If I take my time with it and trick my body into thinking "if you want the cookie eat the cookie" then maybe the body wont want the cookie quite as much!

I think I have failed alot of people, but so be it. I hope everyone is doing well. I have missed you. I hope you understand.

xo Pixie.